Accepting the In-law

Over the last couple months I have been taking two different classes on family and marriage. There have been many similarities in these classes and things I have read that have made a big difference in my family. One of those things was a chapter we read from the book "Helping and Healing our Families". I was really excited to read this as I had used this book in a different class taught by Julie Haupt ,who is the managing editor of the book. I have pulled this book out often over the last 8 years and looked through it's teachings to help me. I would recommend getting a copy of this book if you have a family, are part of a family, or want your own family. Seriously everyone should read it.

As I was reading about the importance of extended family I kept thinking about the kind of in-law I wanted to be someday and future grandparent. I want to be involved in my children's lives, but not to the point of being over-bearing. I want to be able to visit my kids and their spouses. I want to have a close family but have wondered how to do this with a large family. My husband and I both come from big families and we have seen how difficult it is for our parents to be involved in our lives. It seems to be much easier to be involved in your children's lives when they live near you. So, what do we do to keep our children close, yet let them live their own lives? How do you show love and acceptance even when the relationships aren't good? Is there hope for troubled in-law relationships?

Something that stood out to me in answering these questions was the importance of accepting your children's choices and spouses. We need to be happy with whoever our children are going to marry and realize they are not going to be just like us. They will be different so we need to reestablish our expectations. James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen said, "A more realistic expectation is that children-in-law will bring new perspectives into the family, and the family can learn from these differences and be complemented by them ... Parents who can work toward inclusion of a new son- or daughter-in-law and who show increased love and support have the best relationship with their married children and more influence in the lives of their grandchildren."(Helping and Healing our Families, p.330) I think when we show acceptance we find greater happiness in those in-law relationships. We keep our children close by acknowledging that they can make good choices and then supporting them as they choose what to do with their lives.

Another thing I found interesting was how parent-in-laws should work on building relationships with their children's spouses. Harper and Olsen said, "It is important for parents-in-law to find ways to personally build relationships with their children-in-law as individuals. Often interactions are with the newly married couple or the larger family group rather than with the individual."(Helping and Healing our Families, p.331) Coming from a large family I understand this situation of usually being in a large family group instead of individually. I think my Dad did a really good job of this for the short time he was alive after my husband and I married. He would stay with us on his way passing through for work and got to know my husband in a setting free from other family members. Many times he took my husband with him for hours to go help him with his work. They had a good relationship because they were able to talk. My Dad got to know just him without the opinions of my brothers, sisters, my sibling's spouses, or my mom. My Dad loved my husband and cherished the relationship they had.

Harper and Olsen said, "The burden of acceptance rests with parents-in-law in these situations. Children-in-law want nothing more than to be accepted and respected."(Helping and Healing our Families, p.331) I have learned that as a parent I need to be the one reaching out. I need to teach my children the importance of making good choices, then I need to trust those choices that they make. Since they are different from me they will pick someone different than maybe I would have picked for them. As I take the time to listen and be understanding I can show greater love to my child and their future spouse. I think this is one of the ways I will be able to be involved in my children and grandchildren's lives.

Now I don't have any children close to marriage age yet, but preparing for those moments is something I want to do. I need to learn to be more accepting of others and their differences. I don't need to be scared of those things because they will add perspective to my family. If you already have children-in-law look at the quality of those relationships. Maybe they are already great with just the right amount of communication and mutual acceptance, respect and love. Way to go!

If they aren't, there are a few things one can do to improve those relationships. You can find ways to be with your child and child-in-law away from the rest of the family. Harper and Olsen suggest that if the relationship is strained that forgiveness is probably necessary. They said, "Forgiveness means you let go of consuming feelings of animosity, bitterness, and hatred. Improved relationships will require time, effort, patience, and a willingness to communicate about issues and past offenses with love and concern ... Trusting in Christ and His timetable will help each prepare to do all they can do to mend troubled relationships." I know that this statement is true. I have seen it in my life and the lives of others. Forgiveness and the Savior can change our hearts and mend our relationships! 

Our families are important and so are our extended families. If we can work on being more accepting and showing greater love to those in our families we could do a lot of good for the world. This week think about your in-law relationships whether you are the child-in-law, the parent-in-law, or the future-in-law and do what you can do now to prepare your heart to show an increase of love, respect, and acceptance. I think this is one of those things that matters most!

The Power of Family Councils

I don't know if you like Sundays, but over the last 5 months I have come to love Sunday more than any other day. I have always liked it but we added something into our Sunday routine that has made a big impact on our family. We decided to begin officially holding Family Councils. We use to just talk and see how things were going when a difficult situation would arise, but felt that we needed to change it up a little bit. On a typical Sunday after we get home from church we gather our children together to discuss our upcoming week. We talk about what we learned. We ask them if they have any questions. We may talk about something that is going well. Usually my husband or I talk about a challenge we are having as a family and we discuss what we can do to improve in that area.

On the first Sunday of the month though we do something extra special. Our children probably love this Sunday the most, as do my husband and I! As a couple we do interviews with each of our kids. We pull them aside and talk to them about what their goals are Socially, Spiritually, Physically and Intellectually. It is really neat to see them talk about what they are learning or what we can do to help them. Sometimes they tell us they want to change their goal because it's not working out. So, we discuss and help them so they can be successful in accomplishing their goals. We begin this time together with having them say a prayer and we end it by my husband or I praying for them. We express lots of love and care for our children.

It has been a neat experience to take the time to talk to each of our children with just one of them and us. It has helped me feel greater love and appreciation for their unique gifts and abilities. Something I felt to do after becoming a certified mentor a year ago, was to take notes from each of those interviews. Those notes have been so valuable in helping us remember the important things they are telling us, and to help us remember to follow up with our children. I can go back to any interview and see the progress my children are making. I can see where they are struggling and be reminded of what I need to pray for concerning them. I'm also able to note funny things they say. Like this month my son was telling me what he wanted for Christmas and there was a specific treat he wanted. He said he hadn't had it in so long, probably like 244 years. He's 5, so it was really funny. My husband and I have our own folder as well for when we have our counseling time together. By keeping notes we can strengthen our marriage and family. It reminds me of a quote by James E. Faust. He said, "Revelation recorded is revelation received." I feel like what we are talking about in these times together is revelation for me in how to best help my family. 

As my husband and I have implemented these councils into our family we have tried what Richard B. Miller, a professor in the School of Family Life at BYU, talked about when he talked about power relationships in families. He said, "Parents work together in their leadership in the family ... It is vital that parents support each other in the presence of their children." We have found that as we work together and are united in our efforts that we have greater love in our marriage and family. Miller goes on to say, "happy relationships are most likely to occur in marriages where the couple shares power and has a true partnership." This is exactly what we have found. We have been able to share power in our relationship and we have an equal relationship where we can support each other in raising a righteous and happy family.

If you are looking for ways to strengthen your family, look towards starting a family council in your home. If you live with roommates, than find a way to sit down and talk to them in a spirit of love as you discuss the challenges that may be happening for each of you. If it's just you and your spouse coming together I think it allows your hearts to soften and deepen the love you have for each other. Taking the time for our marriages, our families and our relationships helps us have greater peace and love in those relationships that matter most. Make the time and you'll be glad you did. If you don't have a great experience the first time or the second time, keep at it. It will happen! Rome wasn't built in a day and neither are great family relationship built in one family council! 

Staying Emotionally Connected

I read an article this week that has really had me thinking about the emotional strength of my marriage. I think that in our day it's easy to be more emotionally distracted from our spouses with all the social media platforms, movie streaming services, and the distraction of focusing on ourselves. I have seen it with some friends and others who are just mere acquaintances. The distraction and lure of being emotionally fulfilled outside of our marriages seems to be something we can easily justify away. In the article, "Fidelity in Marriage", Kenneth W. Matheson shared a story that illustrated this point and it really struck me. This woman had become friends with a male coworker. They began casually conversing and pretty soon they started having lunch together. She'd spend her breaks with him and they conversed through email and texts. Her spouse wasn't good at conversation but her coworker was. She found herself talking to him more than her husband since her coworker was such a good listener. She justified the relationship away, saying they were just friends. She finally realized there was a problem after her sister asked some questions. She was experiencing emotional infidelity.   
I don't think we really think of emotionally infidelity as being a problem or even realize that it happens. It seems to be that often times it's the physical infidelity we hear about, but as I read this week I realized that it starts with emotional infidelity. Matheson said, "Emotional infidelity, doesn't usually happen suddenly; rather, it occurs gradually- often imperceptibly at first." Most people don't just go have a physical affair to start with. It starts slowly and innocently at first but gradually it becomes something much more than an innocent association.

I have noticed this in my own life in a somewhat similar way. I love to read, and good clean romance novels are some of my favorites. I especially love regency romance novels. Well, over the summer I read a lot of books. I would read while my kids were playing and while I was feeding my baby. I easily read over 100 books in a matter of a few months. I found that it was a good escape from the every day life. I started reading even when my husband would get home from work. I would eat dinner with my family and then go sit back down to read my book. I became emotionally distant from my spouse. He would try and tell me something about work and I would find myself still reading while he was talking. My books had become more important to me than connecting with my spouse. It wasn't that I didn't love him. I just felt a sense of romance in the novels that I wasn't experiencing in my own marriage. I was developing unrealistic expectations for ways I wanted my spouse to treat me and to feel towards me.

Since I have been in school the last couple months I haven't been able to read as much and it has been really hard. A few weeks ago as I was sitting in church I was thinking about what I needed to change in my life and I had the thought come that I needed to stop reading my romance novels. When I told my husband about this I was crying and so sad. I was devastated to lose this "relationship". It wasn't until I was reading this article this week that I realized that I wasn't being emotional present in my own marriage. It had started as a small book, and little by little it became an obsession of reading as much as I could. I would easily read a book a day and I was neglecting my relationship with my spouse. So, even though it was really hard to stop reading these books, I'm extremely glad I had the prompting to stop reading them. I'm even more grateful that I have come to understand at least one reason why I needed to stop, so I could have emotional fidelity with my spouse.

This may seem like a silly example of emotional infidelity but to me it has been a big thing. No, it wasn't with someone else in particular but it was putting me emotionally out of touch with my spouse. Matheson said, "Emotional infidelity, which occurs when emotions or thoughts are focused on someone other than a spouse, is an insidious threat that can weaken the trust between a couple and shatter peace of mind."(Fidelity in Marriage) I think emotional disconnect can happen in many ways as I noticed it happening in my marriage. H. Wallace Goddard said, "The Lord says in no uncertain terms: "Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else' ... when the Lord says all thy heart, it allows for no sharing nor dividing nor depriving .. The words none else eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse becomes preeminent ... and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse." I had allowed my books to take precedence over my relationship with my spouse. I wasn't cleaving to my spouse and none else. I was sitting next to my spouse while holding onto my book. That's not what the Lord had commanded me to do.

So, now I want you to think for just a minute about what may be taking precedence over your spouse. Is it your cell phone, Facebook, video games, work, church calling, children's sporting activities, hunting, working out, etc.? Is there something you are putting more emotional effort into than your marriage? If so, it's time to prioritize what matters most. Our marriages matter most and being emotionally present with our spouses. President Ezra Taft Benson put it very well when he said, "What does it mean to love someone with all your heart? It means to love with all your emotional feelings and with all your devotion." So that you can love with all your emotional feeing and devotion take the time to ask what you may need to change in your marriage and life. When I did, it opened my eyes and prepared me to hear what I needed to. It helped me to see that I needed to give up something I really enjoy for someone I love far more! I hope you can see ways to improve the emotional fidelity of your relationships and draw closer together through the Lord's help!

Pray for Charity

I've been looking over my last couple posts and something that has stood out is the importance of working on changing our hearts and having forgiveness in our marriages and towards others. I think those things happen by having charity. When I hear the word charity I think of love for others. As I was reading my scriptures recently I read that charity is God's love for us, and that He can help us feel this love for others. So, if we want charity we need to pray and ask to love others as God loves them.

I had an experience like this right after I started on my mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I was receiving training before heading to Florida where I was going to serve. I didn't get along great with my companion I was assigned to be with and we were having some difficulties. My teacher pulled me aside and asked me if I would pray to love this sister. I began praying for her every day that I would see her as God did and be able to feel His love for her. It was pretty neat to feel the difference it made in my heart. We were able to finish our time together on better terms and it strengthened me to feel God's love for someone else. So, even if you aren't married you have co-workers, roommates, family members, neighbors, and lots of other people you can strengthen your relationships with by praying to see them as God does. Maybe you have had an experience like this that has helped you see someone in a new light.

Another experience I had towards the end of my mission was as missionaries we were praying for all these people we were working with, specifically on how we could help them. We prayed for them morning and night. As we prayed for them, Heavenly Father would teach us what we needed to teach them and help them with because Heavenly Father loves all of his children. All the people we were praying for, and us missionaries had so many miracles happen in our lives. It was amazing! I think the important thing I learned here was the importance of being specific in our prayers. If I'm having a hard time with someone don't just pray that it will go away or that whatever needs to happen to fix it will work out. I need to pray specifically like we did for all these people. 

In the book "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage", H. Wallace Goddard gave an example about a woman who was trying to find love again for her spouse. She was miserable. She tried for a couple weeks with sincere effort to change and nothing did. He then shared, "She begged God to change her husband. God invited her to change herself. ... She began trying to see her husband as Jesus saw him, And she felt invited to look for the good in him." Her heart changed and she finally felt love for him again. Maybe your experience isn't as dire as this or maybe it is, the big thing is that we look to change ourselves. As we work on ourselves it's easier to find in one another the things that are good. If you have a hard time finding the good in one of your relationships, take a minute or two and write down something that's good about the other person. Maybe they have really good hygiene, or they work hard. Maybe they have a great smile and they use it often when telling people hello. Start small if that's all you can think of and grow your list from there on the good you find in the other person. I think you'll see a big improvement and you'll draw closer together by rebuilding that friendship that started the relationship in the first place. 

I came across this quote by Marvin J. Ashton in Goddard's book that I think ties into looking for the good in each other. He said, "The greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don't judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone's differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down."

As I read this quote I had the thought, that I could implement these teaching on charity into my prayers and pray for my husband, children and others more specifically. I could learn to be more accepting of their weaknesses and look for their good. I could pray to love them as God does and to see them as He does. Goddard said, "As we feel the love from Him and for Him, we naturally love like Him." As I have been doing this over the last couple days I have felt a difference in my marriage. The relationships with my kids has been better. The relationships with those I have struggled with has improved. It has been really neat and I have loved having this experience! I'm definitely going to continue to do this in my life and to teach my children to do this in their lives. 

As we each look at our own unique relationships I hope we can realize the importance of charity. Having love for your spouse or others allows you to see both sides when conflicts arise. It brings hope and belief when you are making big decisions. It helps us bear and endure all things when we are trying to manage challenges that happen. It enhances all our relationships and gives them added strength. Through charity we learn to be kind and think of others. We can see our spouses and others as God sees them because He loves us! I hope you can see those in your life through new eyes this week and evaluate how you can have greater charity in those relationships that matter most to you!

Turn to Him

I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness this week as I've been reading from John Gottman's book, "the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work". He was talking about the two types of conflicts we have in marriage which are the solvable problems or the perpetual problems, or in other words you can resolve them or you won't. When he talked about the perpetual problems he said that the "majority of marital conflicts fall into this category - 69 percent to be exact". I just kept thinking that seems really high. I wondered if it would really be that high if we allowed Jesus Christ to be part of our marriages. I know that He helps us to change individually, so why wouldn't He help our marriages too.

As I was reading I kept thinking about Jesus Christ and how He is the Master Healer. He suffered in a garden for us and died on a cross, so that He could help. He performed the Atonement, so our hearts could be changed and made whole as we repent. He can heal our hearts so that struggles we have had previously and presently are no longer problems. It doesn't matter whether the conflict we are having is in our marriage, with our parents, our family, a friend, co-worker, neighbor, stranger, or anyone else; because of Jesus Christ our hearts can change. HE will soften what was once hard and we will become clay in HIS hands, so that HE can mold us into becoming WHO we can Become! In the Bible in Jeremiah 18:6 the Lord says, "As the clay is in the potter's hand, so are ye in mine hand." When we are humble in our relationships, we can become clay in our Savior's hands. He will help heal our hearts and mend our conflicts. He will make us more than we could ever be without Him!






To receive His help, we need to be humble. I love the definition of the word humble. It means to bring down the pride of or to reduce someone to a lower state. A potter shows us how this work when working with clay. He takes a block of clay that is hard in his hands, but by working with it, it slowly becomes softer and workable. The potter is able to sculpt beautiful creations because it is able to soften in the master's hands. When our hearts are softened we can be made into something great. Our marriages and our other relationships can grow because we are softening our hearts. It takes diligent effort and the skill of someone who is a master to make a beautiful creation.




This reminds me of an experience I had a number of years ago. I went on a group date to a friend's house where we used his mother's potting wheel. We all attempted to sculpt bowls and cups, but they were nothing anyone would have wanted to buy. We weren't even sure if they would have held any water without leaking. They weren't beautiful creations, but we gave it our best. In contrast his mother's work was really amazing. They had beautiful vases, bowls, and cups in their home. She was more of a master. I think this illustrates how when we try to make something of ourselves, our marriages, and our relationships on our own, we may sometimes only produce something that was considered okay. We may even wonder at the work we have produced, but when we turn our lives/relationships "our clay" over to the Master, He makes beautiful creations. He makes us and our relationships better than we ever could have made them on our own!



H. Wallace Goddard said, "in our marriage, we give gladly and wholeheartedly. We give everything we have and are. And we ask God to increase our capacity so we can give yet more."(Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage) I know when we give our best, there is still more we can give. We can give our hearts in prayer to God. We can ask for His help to increase our ability to forgive our spouse, our family, and others. As we do this I think we become more spiritually mature. Goddard said, "When we become more spiritually mature, we are more likely to enjoy our partner as a total package." I would insert there that we would also enjoy our family and those around us more.

Like I have mentioned in previous posts being prideful is the opposite of humility. When we are prideful we become set in our ways, our hearts are hard just as the clay in the potter's hands. It takes a lot of work to soften. Pride in any relationship is a great stumbling block to having better relationships. So, when we experience conflict in our relationships we can choose to make those problems solvable by being humble and involving the Savior in the process. You may not like how your spouse, parent, or anyone else treats you but by taking those concerns to HIM who knows you and your heart, you can receive help. We in turn can learn how to consecrate ourselves to the Lord and to our relationships.

H. Wallace Goddard said, " Consecration in marriage is... about becoming qualified for the life we will presumably be living there(heaven). This requires a transformation of character. In serving and giving to those within our family stewardship as well as demonstrating patience and continually forgiving our spouses for all the ways they might not meet our expectations, we have the opportunity to emulate Christ, thus transforming ourselves."(Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage)

We need to forgive in our conflicts! If you are having a hard time forgiving, turn to Jesus Christ, who is the Master. Try an experiment in trusting Him. Goddard said, "He will answer every experiment with the same result: love, joy and peace are the fruits of trusting Him." Take a look at your relationships. Are there any where forgiveness could take place? Could the perpetual problems in your marriage or relationships be taken to the Savior? Turn to Him and He will mend your hearts!

To Counsel or Not

The other day I was reading the Book of Mormon, which is another testament of Jesus Christ. There were two verses in Alma 37:36-37 that really stood out to me.

36 Yea, and cry unto God for all thy support; yea, let all thy doings be unto the Lord, and whithersoever thou goest let it be in the Lord; yea, let all thy thoughts be directed unto the Lord; yea, let the affections of thy heart be placed upon the Lord forever.

37 Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for good; yea, when thou liest down at night lie down unto the Lord, that he may watch over you in your sleep; and when thou risest in the morning let thy heart be full of thanks unto God; and if ye do these things, ye shall be lifted up at the last day.

The point that stood out to me was the importance of counseling with the Lord and heeding the directions that He gives us. It reminded me of a chapter I read in John Gottman's book, which I have mentioned in previous posts. His book is called, "the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work". He talked about how accepting the influence of your spouse shows "love and esteem" for them. I think by listening to the counsel that the Lord gives us, shows Him our love and esteem for Him as well.

When we accept the influence of our spouse Gottmans says, "We make them a partner in decision making. We respect and honor each other and their opinions and feelings. We understand that for our marriages to thrive, we have to share the driver seat." There have been many times my husband and I have had this experience of learning how to be partners in our decisions. We have lived in many different states and cities, and each time we have needed to listen to each other as we have made decisions. I haven't felt pushed into one of these decision as we have had many in-depth discussions and talked about the pros and cons. When we have made a choice, we then counsel with the Lord. We have learned to accept each other's influence. One point to make here Gottman says is, "Accepting influence doesn't mean never expressing negative emotions toward your partner."  When we make each other's feelings and opinions an important part of our marriages, then we can be honest with each other even if some of our feelings are negative.

There have been times when I have been irritated with a certain decision we are trying to make because I'm sure that I'm right. I'm sure all of us have experienced this type of situation in our marriages or other relationships when we know we are right. Something that H. Wallace Goddard said is, "We must set aside our provincial view of the world (and of our spouses) and be open to our partner's perspective. We must invite truth, the heavenly perspective."(Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage) I would add in here that we also need to be open to our Heavenly Father's perspective as well. As I shared before it's important that we are counseling with Him too, so He can direct us. 

There are times when we don't listen or acknowledge our spouses thoughts and feelings. Moments like this can lead to pride. Pride is costly to our peace. President Ezra Taft Benson (a previous Prophet for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) said, "Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves ... Selfishness is one of the more common faces of pride. ...The antidote for pride is humility. ... God will have a humble people. Either we can choose to be humble or we can be compelled to be humble. ... Let us choose to be humble."(Beware of Pride) So, even though pride is very destructive in marriages, we can change. We can choose to be humble. We can counsel with our spouses and with the Lord.

I learned this lesson the hard way. My husband and I were making a decision about some further schooling. I didn't really feel like we should do it. My husband on the other hand thought we should. We discussed it at lengths many times. My Dad talked to us about it when we counseled with him and he didn't think it was the best option. We didn't know what else to do. I took it to Heavenly Father in my prayers and had an impression come to go somewhere else. I didn't want to do it. I was very against the counsel I had received and I was so against it, I never even told my husband. We didn't receive further direction, so we ended up making the decision to go on to this additional schooling. 

Half way through that schooling we were praying about where to go when we got done. I received the same answer I had previously. I once again didn't want to tell my husband. I didn't for a couple weeks until I realized that I wasn't heeding the counsel I was given. I finally told my husband. We ended up going there and doing what we would have done before the additional schooling and cost. Neither of us liked it what he was doing. We had spent a lot of money to go to school to do something he didn't like. I was devastated that my pride had gotten in the way of us following Heavenly Father's counsel. He had tried to help us learn without the high cost, but we didn't listen. I constantly look to this experience now every time my pride starts getting in the way when we are making decisions.

In our marriages, if we don't listen to our spouses and accept their influence there are high costs too. Gottman said specifically speaking about husbands, "When a man is not willing to share power with his partner there is an 81 percent chance that his marriage will self-destruct." This isn't saying that women shouldn't listen and accept their spouse's influence as well. It takes practice and being willing to talk to each other. It's okay if you aren't great at accepting the influence of your spouse right now because we can always get better. Goddard says, "When we humbly turn our minds, our lives, and our purposes over to God, He will refine us. We begin to see with new eyes. We feel with new warmth and goodness." 

Take the time to look at your marriage or relationship. Are you listening to each other's opinions and feelings? When you disagree with each other are you still respectful? Do you feel you have influence in your relationship? Do you easily get irritated with each other? Notice I framed these questions to look at yourself, not anyone else.

When we are humble and not prideful we can listen with respect to each other and receive counsel from God! This is a happy path!

Turn Towards Each Other

With Fall gone and Winter upon us overnight I recalled an experience I have had over the last few months. I had really wanted a nice warm welcome when people came up to our house, so we removed truckloads of awful rock away. Then one day after lots of planning I grabbed my kids to tackle the front yard project. We laid pavers, new sod, and planted a hundred flowers. It looked so good and inviting. There was this one plant that really took root and it smelled amazing. (We can't remember what it was called but hopefully we can find it again next year!) Every time I walked up to my house it would make me happy because it looked beautiful and smelled wonderful. I babied all these flowers. Every day I took time to water them and take out the dead flowers to help them bloom more.

As Summer faded into Fall some of those flowers started dying. When I would see them I'd have the thought that I should really take care of those plants before Winter comes. I had this same thought every time I passed my flowers. Then we had a freezing rain and snow the first of October. I hadn't gotten to my plants. Now they looked terrible and I thought the ground would be too hard to pull them all out, so I put it off. Another week went by and every time I opened my door I would think "I really need to get out there and take care of those plants".

Well, one day I finally had the time to set my homework down and get outside. I began on the pots I thought would be easiest. The plants came right out, which took me by surprise. I shook off the dirt and threw the plants out. Once I got done with the pots I moved onto the flower beds. All of the flowers came out really easy. It took a bit of effort and I didn't get every little weed, but it was done. I had cleared the flower beds of the dead debris and they looked so much better. Now every time I walk past those beds I am so thankful I finally listened to what I was hearing, which was "please care about us and take the time to make us feel good again".

I think this experience relates to similar situations we experience in our own relationships with family, friends, and in our marriages. We have an ideal in mind of what we want our marriage to look like and we take careful effort in making it happen. Some examples of little things we do every day that make a big difference are: My husband kisses me every morning before he leaves for work. I great him with a hug and kiss when he gets home from work. We make phone calls during the day to each other. We are doing the little things to make sure our marriage is getting enough "water and is able to bloom!" Then life starts getting in the way. He has a late meeting and I'm headed somewhere so we don't get to connect that day. He has to leave early for work and I don't get to see him. My kids have my phone so I miss his phone calls. The boys have an activity and he goes with them. Little things get in the way of connecting.

In John Gottman's book, "the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work", he calls these little moments we experience "turning towards each other". He calls it this because in those moments we have given a "bid for attention". Bids for attention can be as small as a sigh when doing the dishes, a grumble when doing the laundry, or even asking for a back rub. They can also be as big as asking for help in taking care of an aging parent. We can respond to these bids by turning towards each other, by asking a question, being there to listen or doing what they asked for. Just like my plants needed my attention my spouse needs it just as much. Gottman talks about how turning towards each other operates under the law of positive feedback. He says, "You don't have to turn toward your partner in a very dramatic way to see the benefit." It can be a simple, "Do you need to talk?" or giving them a hug. Just like my flower beds that I thought where going to be really hard to get the plants out of, they were much easier to take care of.

If we listen to the little bids of attention that our spouses, family and friends are giving us we can improve our relationships. Pay attention and listen to those bids. I was turning away from my plants every day I would walk past and not take care of them. Don't leave your relationships to wilt and trust to die because you aren't willing to take a small moment to see to what needs to happen. Make sure you are paying attention to the "bids" and pay attention to when those people in your life turn towards you.

Now if your relationships aren't like you would like them to be, know that there is hope. If you have a habit of ignoring your spouse's requests because you are tired, you can change. If your spouse forgets to help with the dishes even though you have asked (a hundred times), things can change. If you and your spouse don't connect in the day because you are too busy with what you each want to do, you both can change. If you snap at your spouse because something they did upset you, you can change. There is hope for everyone to change. H. Wallace Goddard in his book, "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage", talks about how we can change. He says, "It takes focused faith to remove the most stubborn and persistent maladies of mortality. It takes faith in the Lord Jesus Christ to remove evil from our marriages and bring them to vibrant life." He explained what these evils are with this comment, "Over time we transition irritations into evils."

Not responding to those "bids" can lead to irritation for each other. As we pay attention to those "bids" we receive from others and turn towards each other we can rid ourselves of the wilting aspects of our relationships. We can have vibrant life in those areas that matter most. We can look towards our relationships and feel gratitude that we are able to help each other bloom in small ways each day! Our relationships matter and taking the time to turn towards each other is vital in sustaining them!

I LOVE YOU Because ...

I was recently reminded of an experience I had a number of years ago while serving as a missionary for my church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I got assigned to serve with a missionary I was way excited about and knew her and I would be good friends. As our transfer (6 week period) began I had the thought come to me that I needed to tell her something I loved about her each day and how I saw God's hand in my life. She told me she would join in too. So, at the end of each day as we were back in our apartment I would tell her something I noticed she did that day that I loved, something she said, or an attribute I noticed in her. It was amazing! We had a pretty deep friendship that formed quicker than I had previously experienced. We had a lot of challenges that happened to us over the next 6 weeks but because of that nightly experience we had been having, we had built a foundation that was deeply rooted.

Fast forward 1 year later when I started dating my future husband. It had taken a couple attempts for both of us to get on the same page, but when we did it felt right. A week in to dating I had the thought I needed to do the same thing I had done with the missionary I served with. So, each night I would send him a text about what I loved about him and he would send me one! It was a bit nerve racking to do this but I knew that my love for him would grow quickly by doing this because all day long I was paying attention to the good he was doing. Even though we had plenty of fights, my focus was on the positive because I wanted to be able to honestly tell him what I loved about him that day. We were married a few short months later, and I attribute the love I had for him to that simple little thing we did each day.

In the book, "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage", H. Wallace Goddard says, "We can learn to choose and cherish the good." My husband and I were choosing to look for the positive and the goodness in each other. The word cherish means: to hold something dear, or protect and care for (someone) lovingly. I love the book, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work". Seriously it is so good! In it John Gottman says, "Cherishing is a habit of mind, ... you maximize thoughts of your partner's positive qualities and minimize thoughts of negative ones." By looking for the positive in my husband and not focusing on the negative I was learning a habit that would help me cherish him more. Through this process I have been able to hold dear to the great qualities in my spouse and I want to protect and care for him in small and simple ways.

To simply tell my future spouse what I loved about them each day was not always easy. The days when we had a fight were very difficult, but it stretched me to look beyond my own pride and hurt feelings towards someone that was just as important. Goddard mentioned experiences like this when he said, "God knows that what we obtain too easily we esteem too lightly. ... To become heavenly, we must endure earthly challenges - including the unexpected ones in marriage." I realize now that God was preparing me to love my spouse deeply and to work at that love for him in the midst of our earthly challenges. Gottman says, "Having fundamentally positive views of your spouse and your marriage is a powerful buffer when bad times hit." I totally believe this. Although the love I have for my spouse was not always an easy thing to have, especially with the many challenges we faced before we got married and since being married. We have worked at loving each other, which has been a blessing when the trials have come in our marriage. It has been a great buffer!

These simple little acts I have come to understand are ways to build our love maps and to nurture a fondness and admiration for each other. Our love maps are essential in helping us learn more about each other. It's where we store all the information about one another that is relevant like: their favorite salad dressing, the books they like to read, what music they like, how they feel about their boss, what kinds of gifts they like, what they like to do to relax and  many other things. As these love maps are built it is easier to be connected with each other when trials do come. By doing those simple "I love you because..." I was building a love map with my spouse because I was interested in them and wanting to know as much as I could. I was on the hunt for more to love about them! Gottman said, "The key to reinvigorating fondness and admiration is to get in the habit of scanning for qualities and actions that you can appreciate. And then, let your partner know what you've observed and are grateful for."

This week take the time to evaluate your relationships, as you saw it worked with both my mission friend and my husband. Our relationships will have ups and downs due to challenges, but lets make sure we are giving them our best by focusing on the positive in each other! If you don't know what your spouse's favorite food is, ask them. If you don't know how they feel about their boss, have a conversation. Ask the questions! Have the discussions! Build your Love Map! Find your Buffer! Take a minute to tell your spouse or whoever it is in your life, "I LOVE YOU Because ...."!

Stop the Four Horseman

The other night my husband and I were discussing the book, "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John Gottman and started talking about the love labs Gottman used to do research on couples. I told my husband that Gottman can predict whether a couple will get divorced with a 90% accuracy based on watching them have a conversation for about 15 minutes on something they have a continual disagreement about. We both looked at each other and at the same time said, "I kind of want to go to one of his love labs!" Then we both started laughing and said it would be kind of fun to see what he would say. We finished our conversation laughing and making jokes about the "fight" we would have and what repair attempts we would use. It was a good experience because this type of conversation wouldn't have happened quite like that when we got married. It would have been more like one of us would have brought up a sensitive subject and then it would have turned into a real conflict.

I tell you this to show you that your marriages can get better. We had silent treatments or stonewalling when we were first married. We weren't sure how to address conflict, so we avoided it instead. It was a great blessing that right after we got married my husband and I decided to take a Marriage Enhancement class together. I needed it for my major and he needed an elective. We had to discuss a lot of hard things in class and at home. Almost our whole class was made up of couples both old and young and it was amazing to listen to them talk about what they were learning. Something that really stood out to me during that class was John Gottman's Four Horsemen and what we can do to overcome those in our marriages. The Four Horsemen are Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. In his book he goes into great detail about why these are so important to look out for in a marriage. He expresses that it's not necessarily bad that couples argue but in the way they argue. 

These four horsemen can happen in a marriage if we aren't vigilant in our interactions and in deepening our relationship with our spouse. Gottman says, "Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse." Friendship needs to be the foundation of our love for each other. When we do things to deepen our friendship and strengthen those bonds we operate in what he calls a Positive Sentiment Override. We feel happy about our marriage. We can look to the good even if we have had negative experiences with each other. 

He shared the idea of a "set point", similar to what you would find when you hit a point in your weight where you fluctuate up and down from it but is usually where you reside. If you are overweight it takes a lot of effort to get to a better weight. The same would go for any weight. You usually stick to a similar weight range. Marriage happiness or negativity work the same way. If you have a lot of positivity in your marriage you'll experience more of it and it will take more negativity to hurt your relationship. If there is more negativity it's more difficult to fix. So, we need to work on getting our "set point" on a higher plane. Some ideas that my husband and I have found to be helpful are reading a book together, going on walks or drives, watching funny movies, playing games together, joking around, cooking, holding hands, giving each other a kiss whenever one of us leaves, hugging, and there are many more options. Find something that works for you to bring happiness into your marriage. If we can get the positivity in our marriages to happen more frequently and at a higher rate we can combat the four horsemen in our relationships. By reinforcing my friendship with my spouse we have been able to find repair attempts that work when conflicts do arise.

What is a repair attempt? Repair attempts are something you do to prevent a negative situation from getting out of control. If you aren't sure think about an inside joke you have with your spouse or if there is something they do or say that just calms you down. Something my husband and I say right before we know that stonewalling is a high possibility is, "I STILL love you!" and then we grab their hand. It brings an instant smile to our face. Then we chuckle and finish the conversation. It's an inside joke that works for us. An example of this is when we say, "Count to 10." We are trying to calm down before the storm hits. Successful and happy marriages are able to use things like this to help their marriages. They recognize them when they are used by their spouse. Gottman says, "What determines the success of their repair attempts is the strength of their marital friendship." 

In order to develop this friendship, so we can stop the negative eruptions during conflict, we need to have what Gottman calls, attunement. It's when you have "a mutual understanding of each other on a core emotional level." He explains that the more skilled partners are at attunement the more resilient their friendship and promising their future will be. That's the optimal goal to have a promising future and be understanding of each other. I believe this is important because through understanding each other we gain compassion, show empathy and learn how to love each other in a more meaningful way. What are some ways you have learned how to connect with your spouse that enhance your emotional connection? I watch sad movies with my spouse and we talk about hard things. When I allow myself to be vulnerable, it seems like he feels he's allowed to be as well. Having our kids has deepened this understanding. So as much as people say kids drive a wedge between spouses, our kids bring up things in us that allow us to connect and talk about them. They have helped us strengthen our bond.

This week as you pay attention to your most important relationships think about the good things you are doing to strengthen those friendships. Is there an area you can improve? Are you allowing too much negativity into your marriage or this relationship? Do you need a better repair attempt? Pay attention to thoughts that come to your mind. I think we can all improve in some way every day in any of our relationships and all these suggestions work for any type. So, choose something today and build a deep and abiding friendship with your spouse, significant other, or someone else you could have a better relationship with. Frienship is important and it matters; remember it could save you from the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse! 

A Covenant Marriage

Each of us are going to face trials and tests in life and our marriages. It's how we face opposition in marriage that shows us if our marriage is based on a contract or a covenant. “Elder Bruce C. Hafen gave a talk called "Covenant Marriage" and in it he shared how those in a contract marriage (when faced with challenges) walk away because it's not what they bargained for.” Those in a covenant marriage stay to work through them. They marry to grow and to give of themselves. He said, "Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent."

I wouldn't want to be in a marriage where my spouse was only going to give 50 percent of themselves to making our marriage work. It reminds me of group projects. In those groups you have some people that give it everything they've got and others who are riding the coat tails of the rest of the group. You have the one who doesn't show up until the last meeting, hoping that they will get full credit. Then you have the one you've only ever heard of. They never show up and you never hear anything from them. The most difficult is when you have the person in your group who said they would do a really important part and they never participate past the first meeting. You call them. You see them at school. It's always one excuse after the other and they never do it. It leaves others scrambling to get the project done and no one wants to work with them again.

You have each of these types in marriage. You have the spouse who gives their marriage everything they have, even when they've been given a big load to carry. Then you have another type of spouse who shows up but doesn't really do any work. Another one who sees their marriage about to fail and finally puts in the last ditch effort at the very end hoping those efforts will save their marriage. Then another one who doesn't really seem to worried about getting married. They have more important things to do. They are the marriage companion that will come when the Lord fulfills His promises on the other side! Lastly you have the contract companion. They vow they will honor and support their spouse. They showed up on their wedding day but when there was more required they couldn't be counted on. They had other things they put ahead of their spouse and their marriage. It was more than they bargained for. Their marriage failed because they gave into those things that Elder Hafen calls the wolves that test our marriage.

He mentions how every marriage will be tested, and if you are married you know that is true. The three kinds of wolves that will test us are natural adversity, our own imperfections, and excessive individualism. The wolf I feel that has tested my marriage the most is natural adversity.  My husband and I have experienced many natural struggles like my dad dying, sickness, having multiple miscarriages, job changes, financial challenges, moving, children, and school to name just a few. Each of you probably have had some similar challenges and are able to recall the times it was really hard. It's what you did during those hard times that give you strength. We learned during our phases of struggle that we weren't going to give up. We had committed to do our part and we did. We grew closer together. We were like the student giving 100% on the project. For others maybe it's your own imperfections that test your marriage, or the need to have your own space and being left alone. Whatever it is, don't let the wolves win. Stay close to each other. 

Elder Hafen reassures us, "When we observe the covenants we make at the altar of sacrifice, we discover hidden reservoirs of strength." He shared further insight by declaring, "Covenant marriage requires a total leap of faith; they must keep their covenants without knowing what risks that may require of them. They must surrender unconditionally, obeying God and sacrificing for each other. They will discover ... incomprehensible joy."

As we honor our covenants and are willing to sacrifice for each other, strength and joy do come and together we are able to beat the wolves that are testing our marriages! So, lets keep our covenants we made at marriage. Give it 100% so the other person in our group, (Our Spouse), will benefit from our efforts as well. It's when we do these things that we find strength to keep going, to move forward and draw closer together. Make your marriage a covenant one full of joy! 

Defenders of Marriage

This week I was reading a commencement address given at BYU by Elder Russell M. Nelson in 2014, called "Disciples of Jesus Christ - Defenders of Marriage". He is now the Prophet of my church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He gave so much great advice and counsel that I thought I should finally let my thoughts be heard as he suggested.

I'll start with being honest. I have been afraid for a long time to share what I'm being taught by God about my family and marriage. So, I have kept my blog private for a number of years. I have a number of drafts written that I have never posted because I was too afraid. I sat back silently hoping that someone else would write some of the things I was thinking and feeling. There were some people who did, but they didn't write it the same way I was being taught specific things. I kept hoping that the thought to share what Heavenly Father wanted me to would go away. It hasn't. I still feel the need to share what I'm being taught because I feel like it is important.

Elder Nelson said, "The day is gone when you can be a quiet and comfortable Christian. There is no such thing as a "part-time" disciple of the Lord Jesus Christ. Jesus invited anyone who wants to be His disciple to take up His cross and follow Him. Are you ready to join the ranks? Or will you be ashamed of the gospel? Will you be ashamed of your Lord and His plan?... Disciples of the Lord are defenders of marriage. We cannot yield. History is not our judge. A secular society is not our judge. God is our judge!"

That line, “God is our judge” keeps going through my mind over and over again. I realized I was more afraid of the world judging me than I was God. But God is my true judge, not our secular society. I can't sit silently on the sidelines cheering on others who are defending what I believe in and not let my voice be heard even if I'm afraid. I need to join the ranks and defend my Lord and His plan. His plan was designed for families. In the Bible in the first chapter of Genesis it says, "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. ...God blessed them, and said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth,". He designed it for a man and a woman to get married and have children.

Elder Nelson said, "Male and female are created for what they can do and become, together. It takes a man and a woman to bring a child into the world. Mothers and fathers are not interchangeable. Men and women are distinct and complementary. Children deserve to grow up with a mom and dad." I believe this is true. People of the same-sex can't bring a child into the world without the means and aid of someone of the opposite sex. It's simple biology that tells us this truth. I believe marriage between a man and a woman is needed for the continuation of society. 

The law in our society in recent years has tried changing God's law and allowed for people of the same-sex to get married. Justice Alito, one of the justices who didn't agree with the ruling allowing same-sex marriage, said, "“The family is an ancient and universal human institution. Family structure reflects the characteristics of a civilization, and changes in family structure and in the popular understanding of marriage and the family can have profound effects." Elder Nelson attests to this truth about family structure when he said, "Marriage was not created by human judges or legislators. It was not created by lobbyists. Marriage was created by God!" Marriage was ordained by God to be between a man and a woman who would have children. That family structure is universal institution. 

I want my voice to be heard that I stand by God's Prophet, President Russell M. Nelson and by Him, God our Father, who created marriage. To sum up what Alexander Dushku said in a Religious Freedom Annual Review at BYU if we want to continue the discussion for change in our societies we need to make our voices heard. We can speak civilly about our opinions. We need to stand up for what we believe in and not retreat. We need to be tolerant and ask for decency as we in turn do the same for those of opposing beliefs. I'm going to strive more consistently to be an example of my beliefs with others through love and charity for all God's children no matter what. 

I hope you can think of ways you can be a disciple of Christ all the time, and join His ranks. I'm learning that it's good to share what I believe in. I encourage you to stand up for what you believe in and share it with others in a loving way!

Give It Your Very Best

Getting married is a pretty big step in life. There are lots of things to consider when making a choice that will affect you for the rest of your life. A big choice is who you are going to be with. You wonder if your family will like them. You discuss children and how many you want. How you will raise those kids. Where you will live. What careers you want. Are your backgrounds compatible. How do they handle finances, sickness, and stress. Those are just a few of the things that will come up as you venture out on that path.

When I told my Dad I felt I should marry my now husband, he gave me the advice to get to know him the best I could and see him in as many different circumstances as possible. He wanted me to ask my boyfriend lots of questions, which was a really good idea because we had only been dating for two months at this point! It was crazy because immediately after this discussion with my Dad we had a number of unexpected circumstances come up that were really trying and tested us. I got to know him very well through each of these experiences and knew my choice was correct.

I was reminded of these experiences when I read a talk titled Divorce by President Dallin H. Oaks, who is an Apostle of the Lord. He said if you want to marry well, you need to inquire well and you will avoid divorce. He also mentioned that we need to be careful, thoughtful, and thorough in our dating and see them in many different circumstances. It sounds like my Dad and him were on the same page, which I'm grateful for.

Since reading that talk I've been pondering on marriage and courtship I had this little scene come to mind. It starts with this picture of a lake. I see two people walking towards the water. They get to the edge of the water and put just their toes in. They want to see what it feels like before they get in all the way. They decide that the water seemed okay, so they walk out a bit further. One splashes the other. They have fun and get talking, pretty soon they are up past their waists. (Courtship) They realize they have enjoyed the water so far and decide to get all the way wet. (They get married.)

They continue to move through the water playing, sometimes floating on their backs, and at other times swimming. Then it happened. One of their arms start flailing about and it looks like they are drowning. The other jumps in to help and together they stand up. Hearts pounding but safe. They see that the water they thought they were drowning in was only to their necks. They just needed some help to stand up. They regroup and continue on. The stumbling and fighting to get back on their feet continues to happen. They both experience moments when they are the one struggling and the other one rushes to help. Finally through the ups and downs they reach the other side hand in hand and walk onto the shore.

The part of this scene that strikes me is when one of them stumbles. The one who falls doesn't get mad at the other one and tell them to get away from them. They aren't yelling at each other that it was their fault. They pick each other up and keep going.

It makes me think of how we will each have moments in our marriages when we stumble or experience challenges and feel like we are fighting to stay afloat. President Oaks talked about this when he said that the remedy isn't divorce or to get away, it's repentance. Stay and fight for our marriages and they will be stronger. He said, "The first step is reformation not separation." He is telling us we need to walk together. When one stumbles or both of you do, grab on to each other's hands and walk together. That way when the next challenge comes and it will, you are compatible because you have been going at life together. You have reformed your marriage so your spouse and the Lord are the most important parts of your life. You are looking out for each other.

Working at our marriages is doable, but it takes work! Instead of fighting we need to be kneeling together. Instead of telling everyone else our woes with our spouse pray to the Lord for them and with them. Hold their hand and love them. Give them the best you've got! When we work at our marriages healing comes when it's needed and strength is there to lift us up and carry us on.

President Oaks said, "A good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection." It takes work and commitment!

We can't do marriage alone because it's not easier. Too many studies show it's not easier going through life alone, or being a single parent. It's worth the effort because as married couples we can help our children have good homes. We can help them succeed emotionally and socially by being an example of working at what matters most; which is our Marriages!

Our families need us to work at our marriages! Our communities need us to! Our Nation needs us to! So tonight, spend some time together. Talk, listen, lift and encourage as you continue on your journey!

His Promises Come

Have you ever heard people say they don't bribe their children or offer them rewards because it teaches them they always get something when they complete a task or chore?  Well, the other day I realized something about this topic that I think is pretty important when we are raising kids and I learned it in preparation for teaching the kids I teach at church.  I now teach the 7-8 year olds at church and something I told them I would do is bring them cinnamon rolls on the last Sunday of the month if they all remembered their scriptures every Sunday.  Now sometimes they don't and I send them off to the library to go get them, even though most of them remember now that they need to bring their scriptures to church.  I also give them a snack or some sort of treat when they answer questions and get involved in the discussion. 

What I didn't recognize at first is that I'm helping them learn an eternal principle and how Heavenly Father works.  No, His rewards aren't in treats and cinnamon rolls but He does reward us.  He asks us to say our prayers and read our scriptures every day and lots of times we have the instant rewards of more peace, greater clarity, and we just feel happier.  Then there are other things he asks us to do over an extended period of time.  He wants us to learn diligence and to have a desire to receive the blessings He has for us.  He doesn't give it to us the first time we keep the commandment He has asked us to.  He waits and watches for us to keep acting on our own.  Just like the kids in my church class even though they ask me on the first Sunday of the month and every Sunday after that if I brought them cinnamon rolls, I gently remind them no I didn't.  Remember you have to keep up your end and bring your scriptures to church every Sunday.  They don't get mad at me, they just say okay. 

It's not about the cinnamon rolls once a month or the small treat every Sunday when they participate.  It's about teaching them how Heavenly Father works by acting and waiting until the promises come.  There are so many things we do each and every day that seem like normal life situations, but they are actually experiences where Heavenly Father is trying to teach us how He works.  When we learn those simple lessons keeping at something He has told us to do that seems hard is made easier because we have learned that the promises come.  The kids didn't get mad at me they said okay.  We can learn a great deal by saying okay when the blessing hasn't come yet or an answer to a question hasn't come yet.  Those words okay from those children, show they have faith in me and that I will do what I said I would do. They learn to have faith just like we can that the Lord will do what He said He will, if we do what He has asked us to do.  Keep learning.  Keep trying.  Keep growing and looking for the ways that Heavenly Father is showing you who He is.

I'm a Mother

My husband and I have been married for a 8 1/2 years and during that time frame I have been pregnant 12 times.  5 of those will be babies I get to hold in my arms and kiss and hug and the other 7 have died at 6 weeks, 8 weeks and even 4 months.  Each time I was pregnant I could feel a difference in my body like something special was happening even when I was really sick.  I knew I was getting to create a miracle.  The chances of a women getting pregnant are a 1 in 4 million chance, quite a miracle.  It's amazing that I've had the opportunity to participate in the creation of life as many times as I have even though it hasn't always turned out how I wanted it to.

I've learned in this process over and over again that I am a creator.  No one has been able to duplicate the human body and what it is capable of.  We don't even know all of it's capabilities but I and women all over the world have been able to create life within us.  No one does it just like another.  We do our best caring for the lives inside of us taking care to nurture and sustain it to give it the best possible chance at succeeding.  We feel the potential this tiny life has.  We have hopes and dreams for their future.  We hope they are going to be healthy.  We wonder what we can do to give them a better life.  We wonder if we are capable of helping them become someone who can be kind, generous, and touch the lives around them in positive ways.  We feel scared sometimes that we won't be a good enough mom.  We hope to instill in them the value of hard work and going after their dreams.  We want them to know we love them unconditionally and that they matter to us.  I am a mother, a woman, and a creator of one of the most miraculous things this world has ever known of: human life.

Human life is amazing.  We can change and grow.  We develop attributes that help us contribute to the world around us.  We learn how to adapt to our environments.  We are remarkable and we should celebrate the miracle of our lives because we too were born and developed because of a miracle.  I have tried and I'm not near as great at this as I would love to be but I have tried to help my children realize that they are a miracle.  They should be grateful for their lives and the lives of others because of this knowledge.  Something I do every day is I tell my children I love them and I hug and kiss them because I want their world and their lives to be filled with love.  When they are filled with love and they know they are loved they will show love to others.  I try to help them see how valuable they are to me and their dad.  When I value them and their lives.  They will value the lives of those around them.  I teach them to pray for people who are struggling and that they can go to their divine Creator for guidance and that they matter to Him.  That's what's important to me.

I love being a mother.  It motivates me to be better and to reach for my potential.  I want to be great for my kids and there is no better support system then having your kids cheer you on.  When they tell you they are proud of you and so glad you are their mom the days you yelled or wanted to hide in your closet don't matter anymore.  You know you can be better and that you are raising great kids who can still see your potential even when you don't see it.  That's the type of human being you wanted to help create.  It's what I as a mom want to do for my children.  Starting inside the womb the desires start and after birth when you see them growing and learning it makes everything worth it.

I whole heartedly support the life within the womb.  Those babies have personalities and you know when they are happy and when they are struggling.  I knew when we lost our baby at 4 months that for the previous month something hadn't been right.  Something wasn't okay and when we went into our doctor and didn't find a heartbeat I was devastated.  We found in the ultrasound a couple weeks later that the baby had been being reabsorbed by my body.  I miscarried another 10 days later.  I could feel that from the baby that something wasn't right, and I can't imagine having an experience where I knew the baby was okay and getting rid of that life on purpose.  I had tried everything I could and prayed and hoped it would all be a mistake that my doctor was wrong.  I was hoping for a miracle to keep that life but I had already experienced the miracle and that was getting pregnant.  I got to carry that little life for a short time and it was worth it.  It wasn't a mistake, neither were the other 6 times we lost babies, or the 4 about to be 5 live births.  Life isn't a mistake it's a miracle.  God doesn't make mistakes.  He makes miracles and it's what we do with those miracles we are blessed with as mothers, fathers, families, and friends that make the biggest difference for good or for bad.  I'm grateful I wasn't a miracle that someone thought was a mistake and got rid of, because now I get to choose.  Everyday I choose to be a mother and I'm so grateful.  I say out loud, "I willingly and openly embrace my role as a mother to protect, teach, and nurture my children and make our home a sanctuary of faith and peace."  I'm a woman, a mother, and a lover of the miracle of life.