Turn Towards Each Other

With Fall gone and Winter upon us overnight I recalled an experience I have had over the last few months. I had really wanted a nice warm welcome when people came up to our house, so we removed truckloads of awful rock away. Then one day after lots of planning I grabbed my kids to tackle the front yard project. We laid pavers, new sod, and planted a hundred flowers. It looked so good and inviting. There was this one plant that really took root and it smelled amazing. (We can't remember what it was called but hopefully we can find it again next year!) Every time I walked up to my house it would make me happy because it looked beautiful and smelled wonderful. I babied all these flowers. Every day I took time to water them and take out the dead flowers to help them bloom more.

As Summer faded into Fall some of those flowers started dying. When I would see them I'd have the thought that I should really take care of those plants before Winter comes. I had this same thought every time I passed my flowers. Then we had a freezing rain and snow the first of October. I hadn't gotten to my plants. Now they looked terrible and I thought the ground would be too hard to pull them all out, so I put it off. Another week went by and every time I opened my door I would think "I really need to get out there and take care of those plants".

Well, one day I finally had the time to set my homework down and get outside. I began on the pots I thought would be easiest. The plants came right out, which took me by surprise. I shook off the dirt and threw the plants out. Once I got done with the pots I moved onto the flower beds. All of the flowers came out really easy. It took a bit of effort and I didn't get every little weed, but it was done. I had cleared the flower beds of the dead debris and they looked so much better. Now every time I walk past those beds I am so thankful I finally listened to what I was hearing, which was "please care about us and take the time to make us feel good again".

I think this experience relates to similar situations we experience in our own relationships with family, friends, and in our marriages. We have an ideal in mind of what we want our marriage to look like and we take careful effort in making it happen. Some examples of little things we do every day that make a big difference are: My husband kisses me every morning before he leaves for work. I great him with a hug and kiss when he gets home from work. We make phone calls during the day to each other. We are doing the little things to make sure our marriage is getting enough "water and is able to bloom!" Then life starts getting in the way. He has a late meeting and I'm headed somewhere so we don't get to connect that day. He has to leave early for work and I don't get to see him. My kids have my phone so I miss his phone calls. The boys have an activity and he goes with them. Little things get in the way of connecting.

In John Gottman's book, "the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work", he calls these little moments we experience "turning towards each other". He calls it this because in those moments we have given a "bid for attention". Bids for attention can be as small as a sigh when doing the dishes, a grumble when doing the laundry, or even asking for a back rub. They can also be as big as asking for help in taking care of an aging parent. We can respond to these bids by turning towards each other, by asking a question, being there to listen or doing what they asked for. Just like my plants needed my attention my spouse needs it just as much. Gottman talks about how turning towards each other operates under the law of positive feedback. He says, "You don't have to turn toward your partner in a very dramatic way to see the benefit." It can be a simple, "Do you need to talk?" or giving them a hug. Just like my flower beds that I thought where going to be really hard to get the plants out of, they were much easier to take care of.

If we listen to the little bids of attention that our spouses, family and friends are giving us we can improve our relationships. Pay attention and listen to those bids. I was turning away from my plants every day I would walk past and not take care of them. Don't leave your relationships to wilt and trust to die because you aren't willing to take a small moment to see to what needs to happen. Make sure you are paying attention to the "bids" and pay attention to when those people in your life turn towards you.

Now if your relationships aren't like you would like them to be, know that there is hope. If you have a habit of ignoring your spouse's requests because you are tired, you can change. If your spouse forgets to help with the dishes even though you have asked (a hundred times), things can change. If you and your spouse don't connect in the day because you are too busy with what you each want to do, you both can change. If you snap at your spouse because something they did upset you, you can change. There is hope for everyone to change. H. Wallace Goddard in his book, "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage", talks about how we can change. He says, "It takes focused faith to remove the most stubborn and persistent maladies of mortality. It takes faith in the Lord Jesus Christ to remove evil from our marriages and bring them to vibrant life." He explained what these evils are with this comment, "Over time we transition irritations into evils."

Not responding to those "bids" can lead to irritation for each other. As we pay attention to those "bids" we receive from others and turn towards each other we can rid ourselves of the wilting aspects of our relationships. We can have vibrant life in those areas that matter most. We can look towards our relationships and feel gratitude that we are able to help each other bloom in small ways each day! Our relationships matter and taking the time to turn towards each other is vital in sustaining them!