I read an article this week that has really had me thinking about the emotional strength of my marriage. I think that in our day it's easy to be more emotionally distracted from our spouses with all the social media platforms, movie streaming services, and the distraction of focusing on ourselves. I have seen it with some friends and others who are just mere acquaintances. The distraction and lure of being emotionally fulfilled outside of our marriages seems to be something we can easily justify away. In the article, "Fidelity in Marriage", Kenneth W. Matheson shared a story that illustrated this point and it really struck me. This woman had become friends with a male coworker. They began casually conversing and pretty soon they started having lunch together. She'd spend her breaks with him and they conversed through email and texts. Her spouse wasn't good at conversation but her coworker was. She found herself talking to him more than her husband since her coworker was such a good listener. She justified the relationship away, saying they were just friends. She finally realized there was a problem after her sister asked some questions. She was experiencing emotional infidelity.
I don't think we really think of emotionally infidelity as being a problem or even realize that it happens. It seems to be that often times it's the physical infidelity we hear about, but as I read this week I realized that it starts with emotional infidelity. Matheson said, "Emotional infidelity, doesn't usually happen suddenly; rather, it occurs gradually- often imperceptibly at first." Most people don't just go have a physical affair to start with. It starts slowly and innocently at first but gradually it becomes something much more than an innocent association.
I have noticed this in my own life in a somewhat similar way. I love to read, and good clean romance novels are some of my favorites. I especially love regency romance novels. Well, over the summer I read a lot of books. I would read while my kids were playing and while I was feeding my baby. I easily read over 100 books in a matter of a few months. I found that it was a good escape from the every day life. I started reading even when my husband would get home from work. I would eat dinner with my family and then go sit back down to read my book. I became emotionally distant from my spouse. He would try and tell me something about work and I would find myself still reading while he was talking. My books had become more important to me than connecting with my spouse. It wasn't that I didn't love him. I just felt a sense of romance in the novels that I wasn't experiencing in my own marriage. I was developing unrealistic expectations for ways I wanted my spouse to treat me and to feel towards me.
Since I have been in school the last couple months I haven't been able to read as much and it has been really hard. A few weeks ago as I was sitting in church I was thinking about what I needed to change in my life and I had the thought come that I needed to stop reading my romance novels. When I told my husband about this I was crying and so sad. I was devastated to lose this "relationship". It wasn't until I was reading this article this week that I realized that I wasn't being emotional present in my own marriage. It had started as a small book, and little by little it became an obsession of reading as much as I could. I would easily read a book a day and I was neglecting my relationship with my spouse. So, even though it was really hard to stop reading these books, I'm extremely glad I had the prompting to stop reading them. I'm even more grateful that I have come to understand at least one reason why I needed to stop, so I could have emotional fidelity with my spouse.
This may seem like a silly example of emotional infidelity but to me it has been a big thing. No, it wasn't with someone else in particular but it was putting me emotionally out of touch with my spouse. Matheson said, "Emotional infidelity, which occurs when emotions or thoughts are focused on someone other than a spouse, is an insidious threat that can weaken the trust between a couple and shatter peace of mind."(Fidelity in Marriage) I think emotional disconnect can happen in many ways as I noticed it happening in my marriage. H. Wallace Goddard said, "The Lord says in no uncertain terms: "Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else' ... when the Lord says all thy heart, it allows for no sharing nor dividing nor depriving .. The words none else eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse becomes preeminent ... and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse." I had allowed my books to take precedence over my relationship with my spouse. I wasn't cleaving to my spouse and none else. I was sitting next to my spouse while holding onto my book. That's not what the Lord had commanded me to do.
So, now I want you to think for just a minute about what may be taking precedence over your spouse. Is it your cell phone, Facebook, video games, work, church calling, children's sporting activities, hunting, working out, etc.? Is there something you are putting more emotional effort into than your marriage? If so, it's time to prioritize what matters most. Our marriages matter most and being emotionally present with our spouses. President Ezra Taft Benson put it very well when he said, "What does it mean to love someone with all your heart? It means to love with all your emotional feelings and with all your devotion." So that you can love with all your emotional feeing and devotion take the time to ask what you may need to change in your marriage and life. When I did, it opened my eyes and prepared me to hear what I needed to. It helped me to see that I needed to give up something I really enjoy for someone I love far more! I hope you can see ways to improve the emotional fidelity of your relationships and draw closer together through the Lord's help!
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