I LOVE YOU Because ...

I was recently reminded of an experience I had a number of years ago while serving as a missionary for my church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I got assigned to serve with a missionary I was way excited about and knew her and I would be good friends. As our transfer (6 week period) began I had the thought come to me that I needed to tell her something I loved about her each day and how I saw God's hand in my life. She told me she would join in too. So, at the end of each day as we were back in our apartment I would tell her something I noticed she did that day that I loved, something she said, or an attribute I noticed in her. It was amazing! We had a pretty deep friendship that formed quicker than I had previously experienced. We had a lot of challenges that happened to us over the next 6 weeks but because of that nightly experience we had been having, we had built a foundation that was deeply rooted.

Fast forward 1 year later when I started dating my future husband. It had taken a couple attempts for both of us to get on the same page, but when we did it felt right. A week in to dating I had the thought I needed to do the same thing I had done with the missionary I served with. So, each night I would send him a text about what I loved about him and he would send me one! It was a bit nerve racking to do this but I knew that my love for him would grow quickly by doing this because all day long I was paying attention to the good he was doing. Even though we had plenty of fights, my focus was on the positive because I wanted to be able to honestly tell him what I loved about him that day. We were married a few short months later, and I attribute the love I had for him to that simple little thing we did each day.

In the book, "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage", H. Wallace Goddard says, "We can learn to choose and cherish the good." My husband and I were choosing to look for the positive and the goodness in each other. The word cherish means: to hold something dear, or protect and care for (someone) lovingly. I love the book, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work". Seriously it is so good! In it John Gottman says, "Cherishing is a habit of mind, ... you maximize thoughts of your partner's positive qualities and minimize thoughts of negative ones." By looking for the positive in my husband and not focusing on the negative I was learning a habit that would help me cherish him more. Through this process I have been able to hold dear to the great qualities in my spouse and I want to protect and care for him in small and simple ways.

To simply tell my future spouse what I loved about them each day was not always easy. The days when we had a fight were very difficult, but it stretched me to look beyond my own pride and hurt feelings towards someone that was just as important. Goddard mentioned experiences like this when he said, "God knows that what we obtain too easily we esteem too lightly. ... To become heavenly, we must endure earthly challenges - including the unexpected ones in marriage." I realize now that God was preparing me to love my spouse deeply and to work at that love for him in the midst of our earthly challenges. Gottman says, "Having fundamentally positive views of your spouse and your marriage is a powerful buffer when bad times hit." I totally believe this. Although the love I have for my spouse was not always an easy thing to have, especially with the many challenges we faced before we got married and since being married. We have worked at loving each other, which has been a blessing when the trials have come in our marriage. It has been a great buffer!

These simple little acts I have come to understand are ways to build our love maps and to nurture a fondness and admiration for each other. Our love maps are essential in helping us learn more about each other. It's where we store all the information about one another that is relevant like: their favorite salad dressing, the books they like to read, what music they like, how they feel about their boss, what kinds of gifts they like, what they like to do to relax and  many other things. As these love maps are built it is easier to be connected with each other when trials do come. By doing those simple "I love you because..." I was building a love map with my spouse because I was interested in them and wanting to know as much as I could. I was on the hunt for more to love about them! Gottman said, "The key to reinvigorating fondness and admiration is to get in the habit of scanning for qualities and actions that you can appreciate. And then, let your partner know what you've observed and are grateful for."

This week take the time to evaluate your relationships, as you saw it worked with both my mission friend and my husband. Our relationships will have ups and downs due to challenges, but lets make sure we are giving them our best by focusing on the positive in each other! If you don't know what your spouse's favorite food is, ask them. If you don't know how they feel about their boss, have a conversation. Ask the questions! Have the discussions! Build your Love Map! Find your Buffer! Take a minute to tell your spouse or whoever it is in your life, "I LOVE YOU Because ...."!