The other night my husband and I were discussing the book, "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John Gottman and started talking about the love labs Gottman used to do research on couples. I told my husband that Gottman can predict whether a couple will get divorced with a 90% accuracy based on watching them have a conversation for about 15 minutes on something they have a continual disagreement about. We both looked at each other and at the same time said, "I kind of want to go to one of his love labs!" Then we both started laughing and said it would be kind of fun to see what he would say. We finished our conversation laughing and making jokes about the "fight" we would have and what repair attempts we would use. It was a good experience because this type of conversation wouldn't have happened quite like that when we got married. It would have been more like one of us would have brought up a sensitive subject and then it would have turned into a real conflict.
I tell you this to show you that your marriages can get better. We had silent treatments or stonewalling when we were first married. We weren't sure how to address conflict, so we avoided it instead. It was a great blessing that right after we got married my husband and I decided to take a Marriage Enhancement class together. I needed it for my major and he needed an elective. We had to discuss a lot of hard things in class and at home. Almost our whole class was made up of couples both old and young and it was amazing to listen to them talk about what they were learning. Something that really stood out to me during that class was John Gottman's Four Horsemen and what we can do to overcome those in our marriages. The Four Horsemen are Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. In his book he goes into great detail about why these are so important to look out for in a marriage. He expresses that it's not necessarily bad that couples argue but in the way they argue.
These four horsemen can happen in a marriage if we aren't vigilant in our interactions and in deepening our relationship with our spouse. Gottman says, "Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse." Friendship needs to be the foundation of our love for each other. When we do things to deepen our friendship and strengthen those bonds we operate in what he calls a Positive Sentiment Override. We feel happy about our marriage. We can look to the good even if we have had negative experiences with each other.
He shared the idea of a "set point", similar to what you would find when you hit a point in your weight where you fluctuate up and down from it but is usually where you reside. If you are overweight it takes a lot of effort to get to a better weight. The same would go for any weight. You usually stick to a similar weight range. Marriage happiness or negativity work the same way. If you have a lot of positivity in your marriage you'll experience more of it and it will take more negativity to hurt your relationship. If there is more negativity it's more difficult to fix. So, we need to work on getting our "set point" on a higher plane. Some ideas that my husband and I have found to be helpful are reading a book together, going on walks or drives, watching funny movies, playing games together, joking around, cooking, holding hands, giving each other a kiss whenever one of us leaves, hugging, and there are many more options. Find something that works for you to bring happiness into your marriage. If we can get the positivity in our marriages to happen more frequently and at a higher rate we can combat the four horsemen in our relationships. By reinforcing my friendship with my spouse we have been able to find repair attempts that work when conflicts do arise.
What is a repair attempt? Repair attempts are something you do to prevent a negative situation from getting out of control. If you aren't sure think about an inside joke you have with your spouse or if there is something they do or say that just calms you down. Something my husband and I say right before we know that stonewalling is a high possibility is, "I STILL love you!" and then we grab their hand. It brings an instant smile to our face. Then we chuckle and finish the conversation. It's an inside joke that works for us. An example of this is when we say, "Count to 10." We are trying to calm down before the storm hits. Successful and happy marriages are able to use things like this to help their marriages. They recognize them when they are used by their spouse. Gottman says, "What determines the success of their repair attempts is the strength of their marital friendship."
In order to develop this friendship, so we can stop the negative eruptions during conflict, we need to have what Gottman calls, attunement. It's when you have "a mutual understanding of each other on a core emotional level." He explains that the more skilled partners are at attunement the more resilient their friendship and promising their future will be. That's the optimal goal to have a promising future and be understanding of each other. I believe this is important because through understanding each other we gain compassion, show empathy and learn how to love each other in a more meaningful way. What are some ways you have learned how to connect with your spouse that enhance your emotional connection? I watch sad movies with my spouse and we talk about hard things. When I allow myself to be vulnerable, it seems like he feels he's allowed to be as well. Having our kids has deepened this understanding. So as much as people say kids drive a wedge between spouses, our kids bring up things in us that allow us to connect and talk about them. They have helped us strengthen our bond.
This week as you pay attention to your most important relationships think about the good things you are doing to strengthen those friendships. Is there an area you can improve? Are you allowing too much negativity into your marriage or this relationship? Do you need a better repair attempt? Pay attention to thoughts that come to your mind. I think we can all improve in some way every day in any of our relationships and all these suggestions work for any type. So, choose something today and build a deep and abiding friendship with your spouse, significant other, or someone else you could have a better relationship with. Frienship is important and it matters; remember it could save you from the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse!
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