Getting married is a pretty big step in life. There are lots of things to consider when making a choice that will affect you for the rest of your life. A big choice is who you are going to be with. You wonder if your family will like them. You discuss children and how many you want. How you will raise those kids. Where you will live. What careers you want. Are your backgrounds compatible. How do they handle finances, sickness, and stress. Those are just a few of the things that will come up as you venture out on that path.
When I told my Dad I felt I should marry my now husband, he gave me the advice to get to know him the best I could and see him in as many different circumstances as possible. He wanted me to ask my boyfriend lots of questions, which was a really good idea because we had only been dating for two months at this point! It was crazy because immediately after this discussion with my Dad we had a number of unexpected circumstances come up that were really trying and tested us. I got to know him very well through each of these experiences and knew my choice was correct.
I was reminded of these experiences when I read a talk titled Divorce by President Dallin H. Oaks, who is an Apostle of the Lord. He said if you want to marry well, you need to inquire well and you will avoid divorce. He also mentioned that we need to be careful, thoughtful, and thorough in our dating and see them in many different circumstances. It sounds like my Dad and him were on the same page, which I'm grateful for.
Since reading that talk I've been pondering on marriage and courtship I had this little scene come to mind. It starts with this picture of a lake. I see two people walking towards the water. They get to the edge of the water and put just their toes in. They want to see what it feels like before they get in all the way. They decide that the water seemed okay, so they walk out a bit further. One splashes the other. They have fun and get talking, pretty soon they are up past their waists. (Courtship) They realize they have enjoyed the water so far and decide to get all the way wet. (They get married.)
They continue to move through the water playing, sometimes floating on their backs, and at other times swimming. Then it happened. One of their arms start flailing about and it looks like they are drowning. The other jumps in to help and together they stand up. Hearts pounding but safe. They see that the water they thought they were drowning in was only to their necks. They just needed some help to stand up. They regroup and continue on. The stumbling and fighting to get back on their feet continues to happen. They both experience moments when they are the one struggling and the other one rushes to help. Finally through the ups and downs they reach the other side hand in hand and walk onto the shore.
The part of this scene that strikes me is when one of them stumbles. The one who falls doesn't get mad at the other one and tell them to get away from them. They aren't yelling at each other that it was their fault. They pick each other up and keep going.
It makes me think of how we will each have moments in our marriages when we stumble or experience challenges and feel like we are fighting to stay afloat. President Oaks talked about this when he said that the remedy isn't divorce or to get away, it's repentance. Stay and fight for our marriages and they will be stronger. He said, "The first step is reformation not separation." He is telling us we need to walk together. When one stumbles or both of you do, grab on to each other's hands and walk together. That way when the next challenge comes and it will, you are compatible because you have been going at life together. You have reformed your marriage so your spouse and the Lord are the most important parts of your life. You are looking out for each other.
Working at our marriages is doable, but it takes work! Instead of fighting we need to be kneeling together. Instead of telling everyone else our woes with our spouse pray to the Lord for them and with them. Hold their hand and love them. Give them the best you've got! When we work at our marriages healing comes when it's needed and strength is there to lift us up and carry us on.
President Oaks said, "A good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection." It takes work and commitment!
We can't do marriage alone because it's not easier. Too many studies show it's not easier going through life alone, or being a single parent. It's worth the effort because as married couples we can help our children have good homes. We can help them succeed emotionally and socially by being an example of working at what matters most; which is our Marriages!
Our families need us to work at our marriages! Our communities need us to! Our Nation needs us to! So tonight, spend some time together. Talk, listen, lift and encourage as you continue on your journey!
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