Accepting the In-law

Over the last couple months I have been taking two different classes on family and marriage. There have been many similarities in these classes and things I have read that have made a big difference in my family. One of those things was a chapter we read from the book "Helping and Healing our Families". I was really excited to read this as I had used this book in a different class taught by Julie Haupt ,who is the managing editor of the book. I have pulled this book out often over the last 8 years and looked through it's teachings to help me. I would recommend getting a copy of this book if you have a family, are part of a family, or want your own family. Seriously everyone should read it.

As I was reading about the importance of extended family I kept thinking about the kind of in-law I wanted to be someday and future grandparent. I want to be involved in my children's lives, but not to the point of being over-bearing. I want to be able to visit my kids and their spouses. I want to have a close family but have wondered how to do this with a large family. My husband and I both come from big families and we have seen how difficult it is for our parents to be involved in our lives. It seems to be much easier to be involved in your children's lives when they live near you. So, what do we do to keep our children close, yet let them live their own lives? How do you show love and acceptance even when the relationships aren't good? Is there hope for troubled in-law relationships?

Something that stood out to me in answering these questions was the importance of accepting your children's choices and spouses. We need to be happy with whoever our children are going to marry and realize they are not going to be just like us. They will be different so we need to reestablish our expectations. James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen said, "A more realistic expectation is that children-in-law will bring new perspectives into the family, and the family can learn from these differences and be complemented by them ... Parents who can work toward inclusion of a new son- or daughter-in-law and who show increased love and support have the best relationship with their married children and more influence in the lives of their grandchildren."(Helping and Healing our Families, p.330) I think when we show acceptance we find greater happiness in those in-law relationships. We keep our children close by acknowledging that they can make good choices and then supporting them as they choose what to do with their lives.

Another thing I found interesting was how parent-in-laws should work on building relationships with their children's spouses. Harper and Olsen said, "It is important for parents-in-law to find ways to personally build relationships with their children-in-law as individuals. Often interactions are with the newly married couple or the larger family group rather than with the individual."(Helping and Healing our Families, p.331) Coming from a large family I understand this situation of usually being in a large family group instead of individually. I think my Dad did a really good job of this for the short time he was alive after my husband and I married. He would stay with us on his way passing through for work and got to know my husband in a setting free from other family members. Many times he took my husband with him for hours to go help him with his work. They had a good relationship because they were able to talk. My Dad got to know just him without the opinions of my brothers, sisters, my sibling's spouses, or my mom. My Dad loved my husband and cherished the relationship they had.

Harper and Olsen said, "The burden of acceptance rests with parents-in-law in these situations. Children-in-law want nothing more than to be accepted and respected."(Helping and Healing our Families, p.331) I have learned that as a parent I need to be the one reaching out. I need to teach my children the importance of making good choices, then I need to trust those choices that they make. Since they are different from me they will pick someone different than maybe I would have picked for them. As I take the time to listen and be understanding I can show greater love to my child and their future spouse. I think this is one of the ways I will be able to be involved in my children and grandchildren's lives.

Now I don't have any children close to marriage age yet, but preparing for those moments is something I want to do. I need to learn to be more accepting of others and their differences. I don't need to be scared of those things because they will add perspective to my family. If you already have children-in-law look at the quality of those relationships. Maybe they are already great with just the right amount of communication and mutual acceptance, respect and love. Way to go!

If they aren't, there are a few things one can do to improve those relationships. You can find ways to be with your child and child-in-law away from the rest of the family. Harper and Olsen suggest that if the relationship is strained that forgiveness is probably necessary. They said, "Forgiveness means you let go of consuming feelings of animosity, bitterness, and hatred. Improved relationships will require time, effort, patience, and a willingness to communicate about issues and past offenses with love and concern ... Trusting in Christ and His timetable will help each prepare to do all they can do to mend troubled relationships." I know that this statement is true. I have seen it in my life and the lives of others. Forgiveness and the Savior can change our hearts and mend our relationships! 

Our families are important and so are our extended families. If we can work on being more accepting and showing greater love to those in our families we could do a lot of good for the world. This week think about your in-law relationships whether you are the child-in-law, the parent-in-law, or the future-in-law and do what you can do now to prepare your heart to show an increase of love, respect, and acceptance. I think this is one of those things that matters most!