A couple weeks go I began another semester of college and I have whole heartedly decided in the weeks since how much easier it would have been to finish my degree earlier. Life moved forward though and I needed to be willing to go. Since that time there have been many things I have learned about parenting. I'm not a perfect parent but really who is? It was in the last couple weeks that I learned something about parenting that I wish I would have known when I had my first child.
The thought was connected to this parenting pyramid done by "The Arbinger Company". The pyramid looks like the food pyramid but with parenting practices. At the top and in the smallest space is "Correction", then "Teaching", followed by "Parent/Child Relationship", next "Husband/Wife Relationship" and at the base is "Personal Way of Being". It has fascinated me and occupied a good portion of my brain since reading this. I'll see my children act out and I'll try and understand why or what's happening for them. When they don't respond to some type of correction I'm giving them I wonder to myself if have I really taught this to my children. It has been in those moments when I'm a little frustrated that I have a thought come to mind to ask if they understand what I'm telling them to do or not to do. It's so interesting because that thought almost immediately dispels the frustration I was once feeling. A common response from my kids was no. They didn't understand. So, I teach them again. If that doesn't work I move to my relationship with the child.
With each area that doesn't seem to be getting across to them I work my way toward the bottom of the pyramid from where we are experiencing a short in this system that doesn't seem to be working. It kind of makes me think about how putting up Christmas lights is similar to parenting. When we go to put up Christmas lights we have this ideal in our minds of how nice the lights are going to look like, and where we will put each strand of lights. This is similar to the way we view what it will be like to have kids and how we hope they will turn out.
Then we start going through the lights and realize over the last year that some of the strands have completely stopped working or are only marginally working. Kind of like some parenting practices. So, we sit down with each strand seeing if there is a way we can get them to work. We keep doing what we have been doing as parents even if it's only kind of working.
On one strand we try every single bulb to make sure it's all working, as we put an extra bulb in and out of every socket. It still doesn't work. Those are parenting practices that you can let go. You've tried it every way you can think of and it still doesn't work. Toss the strand and toss that strategy. No use keeping it around to take up physical or mental space.
Then you have another strand that is only partially working. You think you can justify keeping it around because half of it works, just not the whole thing. An example of this could be, "Well, half of the bedtime routine seems to be working where we read them a story. They love that part, but they really fight us about the time." You can either just throw out the strand and this technique for something that may work better. Or you could keep trying that extra bulb into each of the sockets that aren't working. As you have probably experienced sometimes all the effort pays off. The bulb finally makes the rest of the strand work. Patience and persistence in finding the part of the equation that will work for you and your family makes everyone happy. Other times even after all your effort it still didn't work. It's okay to throw it out and try for something else. I usually work through the lights with my kids and it's either full cooperation or some cooperation with a few episodes of complaining.
Once you have the strands working you have your spouse help you or whoever it is that is helping you hang the lights. This is quite an ordeal at my house because my husband is afraid of heights. So, sometimes it is him hanging the lights and other times it's me. We discuss and go over what we just did. Sometimes we take them back off because we don't like how they looked. No matter how you do them there is usually a discussion in the process. Just as with parenting there is discussion or there should be and it takes working together to make your ideas come together.
Once they are up we think I want to see how great all this work I've been doing looks. We flip the switch and it either works or it doesn't. I've had both experiences. We are the power source to the lights just as the switch or the plug is for the lights. If there is no plug and power to the lights, it doesn't matter how wonderful the light strands look across your roof and throughout your yard. They won't work. If we aren't aware of the good in ourselves and see that we as parents are capable and know our children, our families won't have power. When there is power and the lights light up we have a similar experience like is show in the photo below from the movie, "National Lampoons Christmas Vacation". As parents when some parenting practice we have done works it reminds me of the expression on his face. He is blown away! As a parent we either power our family to be successful and happy or to not be by how we feel about ourselves, just like the plug supplies the power.
I realized that I had many shortcomings in how I viewed myself that was affecting my parenting style. I was keeping strands that didn't work, and working my tale off to get a half broken strand to work. What ultimately was happening though was I was forgetting to plug in the cord and turn on the power switch. This doesn't mean as a parent we need to be selfish but it does mean that we need to take care of ourselves in the process. If you feel like you are worthless that attitude may come out in your parenting. Our children are smart and will pick up on those beliefs. If you know you are a good person that will roll into each part of the parenting pyramid.
So, the next time you find yourself struggling with a child not responding to your correction, or blowing off what you are teaching them, take a closer look. Work your way down the pyramid to find the answer. I can take all the lights off my house when they don't light up or I can look at the source. Parenting is hard but each one of us are capable of making changes that allow us to let go of what doesn't work and to incorporate into our families what will work for us! We can do this!
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