A Covenant Marriage

Each of us are going to face trials and tests in life and our marriages. It's how we face opposition in marriage that shows us if our marriage is based on a contract or a covenant. “Elder Bruce C. Hafen gave a talk called "Covenant Marriage" and in it he shared how those in a contract marriage (when faced with challenges) walk away because it's not what they bargained for.” Those in a covenant marriage stay to work through them. They marry to grow and to give of themselves. He said, "Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent."

I wouldn't want to be in a marriage where my spouse was only going to give 50 percent of themselves to making our marriage work. It reminds me of group projects. In those groups you have some people that give it everything they've got and others who are riding the coat tails of the rest of the group. You have the one who doesn't show up until the last meeting, hoping that they will get full credit. Then you have the one you've only ever heard of. They never show up and you never hear anything from them. The most difficult is when you have the person in your group who said they would do a really important part and they never participate past the first meeting. You call them. You see them at school. It's always one excuse after the other and they never do it. It leaves others scrambling to get the project done and no one wants to work with them again.

You have each of these types in marriage. You have the spouse who gives their marriage everything they have, even when they've been given a big load to carry. Then you have another type of spouse who shows up but doesn't really do any work. Another one who sees their marriage about to fail and finally puts in the last ditch effort at the very end hoping those efforts will save their marriage. Then another one who doesn't really seem to worried about getting married. They have more important things to do. They are the marriage companion that will come when the Lord fulfills His promises on the other side! Lastly you have the contract companion. They vow they will honor and support their spouse. They showed up on their wedding day but when there was more required they couldn't be counted on. They had other things they put ahead of their spouse and their marriage. It was more than they bargained for. Their marriage failed because they gave into those things that Elder Hafen calls the wolves that test our marriage.

He mentions how every marriage will be tested, and if you are married you know that is true. The three kinds of wolves that will test us are natural adversity, our own imperfections, and excessive individualism. The wolf I feel that has tested my marriage the most is natural adversity.  My husband and I have experienced many natural struggles like my dad dying, sickness, having multiple miscarriages, job changes, financial challenges, moving, children, and school to name just a few. Each of you probably have had some similar challenges and are able to recall the times it was really hard. It's what you did during those hard times that give you strength. We learned during our phases of struggle that we weren't going to give up. We had committed to do our part and we did. We grew closer together. We were like the student giving 100% on the project. For others maybe it's your own imperfections that test your marriage, or the need to have your own space and being left alone. Whatever it is, don't let the wolves win. Stay close to each other. 

Elder Hafen reassures us, "When we observe the covenants we make at the altar of sacrifice, we discover hidden reservoirs of strength." He shared further insight by declaring, "Covenant marriage requires a total leap of faith; they must keep their covenants without knowing what risks that may require of them. They must surrender unconditionally, obeying God and sacrificing for each other. They will discover ... incomprehensible joy."

As we honor our covenants and are willing to sacrifice for each other, strength and joy do come and together we are able to beat the wolves that are testing our marriages! So, lets keep our covenants we made at marriage. Give it 100% so the other person in our group, (Our Spouse), will benefit from our efforts as well. It's when we do these things that we find strength to keep going, to move forward and draw closer together. Make your marriage a covenant one full of joy! 

Defenders of Marriage

This week I was reading a commencement address given at BYU by Elder Russell M. Nelson in 2014, called "Disciples of Jesus Christ - Defenders of Marriage". He is now the Prophet of my church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He gave so much great advice and counsel that I thought I should finally let my thoughts be heard as he suggested.

I'll start with being honest. I have been afraid for a long time to share what I'm being taught by God about my family and marriage. So, I have kept my blog private for a number of years. I have a number of drafts written that I have never posted because I was too afraid. I sat back silently hoping that someone else would write some of the things I was thinking and feeling. There were some people who did, but they didn't write it the same way I was being taught specific things. I kept hoping that the thought to share what Heavenly Father wanted me to would go away. It hasn't. I still feel the need to share what I'm being taught because I feel like it is important.

Elder Nelson said, "The day is gone when you can be a quiet and comfortable Christian. There is no such thing as a "part-time" disciple of the Lord Jesus Christ. Jesus invited anyone who wants to be His disciple to take up His cross and follow Him. Are you ready to join the ranks? Or will you be ashamed of the gospel? Will you be ashamed of your Lord and His plan?... Disciples of the Lord are defenders of marriage. We cannot yield. History is not our judge. A secular society is not our judge. God is our judge!"

That line, “God is our judge” keeps going through my mind over and over again. I realized I was more afraid of the world judging me than I was God. But God is my true judge, not our secular society. I can't sit silently on the sidelines cheering on others who are defending what I believe in and not let my voice be heard even if I'm afraid. I need to join the ranks and defend my Lord and His plan. His plan was designed for families. In the Bible in the first chapter of Genesis it says, "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. ...God blessed them, and said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth,". He designed it for a man and a woman to get married and have children.

Elder Nelson said, "Male and female are created for what they can do and become, together. It takes a man and a woman to bring a child into the world. Mothers and fathers are not interchangeable. Men and women are distinct and complementary. Children deserve to grow up with a mom and dad." I believe this is true. People of the same-sex can't bring a child into the world without the means and aid of someone of the opposite sex. It's simple biology that tells us this truth. I believe marriage between a man and a woman is needed for the continuation of society. 

The law in our society in recent years has tried changing God's law and allowed for people of the same-sex to get married. Justice Alito, one of the justices who didn't agree with the ruling allowing same-sex marriage, said, "“The family is an ancient and universal human institution. Family structure reflects the characteristics of a civilization, and changes in family structure and in the popular understanding of marriage and the family can have profound effects." Elder Nelson attests to this truth about family structure when he said, "Marriage was not created by human judges or legislators. It was not created by lobbyists. Marriage was created by God!" Marriage was ordained by God to be between a man and a woman who would have children. That family structure is universal institution. 

I want my voice to be heard that I stand by God's Prophet, President Russell M. Nelson and by Him, God our Father, who created marriage. To sum up what Alexander Dushku said in a Religious Freedom Annual Review at BYU if we want to continue the discussion for change in our societies we need to make our voices heard. We can speak civilly about our opinions. We need to stand up for what we believe in and not retreat. We need to be tolerant and ask for decency as we in turn do the same for those of opposing beliefs. I'm going to strive more consistently to be an example of my beliefs with others through love and charity for all God's children no matter what. 

I hope you can think of ways you can be a disciple of Christ all the time, and join His ranks. I'm learning that it's good to share what I believe in. I encourage you to stand up for what you believe in and share it with others in a loving way!

Give It Your Very Best

Getting married is a pretty big step in life. There are lots of things to consider when making a choice that will affect you for the rest of your life. A big choice is who you are going to be with. You wonder if your family will like them. You discuss children and how many you want. How you will raise those kids. Where you will live. What careers you want. Are your backgrounds compatible. How do they handle finances, sickness, and stress. Those are just a few of the things that will come up as you venture out on that path.

When I told my Dad I felt I should marry my now husband, he gave me the advice to get to know him the best I could and see him in as many different circumstances as possible. He wanted me to ask my boyfriend lots of questions, which was a really good idea because we had only been dating for two months at this point! It was crazy because immediately after this discussion with my Dad we had a number of unexpected circumstances come up that were really trying and tested us. I got to know him very well through each of these experiences and knew my choice was correct.

I was reminded of these experiences when I read a talk titled Divorce by President Dallin H. Oaks, who is an Apostle of the Lord. He said if you want to marry well, you need to inquire well and you will avoid divorce. He also mentioned that we need to be careful, thoughtful, and thorough in our dating and see them in many different circumstances. It sounds like my Dad and him were on the same page, which I'm grateful for.

Since reading that talk I've been pondering on marriage and courtship I had this little scene come to mind. It starts with this picture of a lake. I see two people walking towards the water. They get to the edge of the water and put just their toes in. They want to see what it feels like before they get in all the way. They decide that the water seemed okay, so they walk out a bit further. One splashes the other. They have fun and get talking, pretty soon they are up past their waists. (Courtship) They realize they have enjoyed the water so far and decide to get all the way wet. (They get married.)

They continue to move through the water playing, sometimes floating on their backs, and at other times swimming. Then it happened. One of their arms start flailing about and it looks like they are drowning. The other jumps in to help and together they stand up. Hearts pounding but safe. They see that the water they thought they were drowning in was only to their necks. They just needed some help to stand up. They regroup and continue on. The stumbling and fighting to get back on their feet continues to happen. They both experience moments when they are the one struggling and the other one rushes to help. Finally through the ups and downs they reach the other side hand in hand and walk onto the shore.

The part of this scene that strikes me is when one of them stumbles. The one who falls doesn't get mad at the other one and tell them to get away from them. They aren't yelling at each other that it was their fault. They pick each other up and keep going.

It makes me think of how we will each have moments in our marriages when we stumble or experience challenges and feel like we are fighting to stay afloat. President Oaks talked about this when he said that the remedy isn't divorce or to get away, it's repentance. Stay and fight for our marriages and they will be stronger. He said, "The first step is reformation not separation." He is telling us we need to walk together. When one stumbles or both of you do, grab on to each other's hands and walk together. That way when the next challenge comes and it will, you are compatible because you have been going at life together. You have reformed your marriage so your spouse and the Lord are the most important parts of your life. You are looking out for each other.

Working at our marriages is doable, but it takes work! Instead of fighting we need to be kneeling together. Instead of telling everyone else our woes with our spouse pray to the Lord for them and with them. Hold their hand and love them. Give them the best you've got! When we work at our marriages healing comes when it's needed and strength is there to lift us up and carry us on.

President Oaks said, "A good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection." It takes work and commitment!

We can't do marriage alone because it's not easier. Too many studies show it's not easier going through life alone, or being a single parent. It's worth the effort because as married couples we can help our children have good homes. We can help them succeed emotionally and socially by being an example of working at what matters most; which is our Marriages!

Our families need us to work at our marriages! Our communities need us to! Our Nation needs us to! So tonight, spend some time together. Talk, listen, lift and encourage as you continue on your journey!

His Promises Come

Have you ever heard people say they don't bribe their children or offer them rewards because it teaches them they always get something when they complete a task or chore?  Well, the other day I realized something about this topic that I think is pretty important when we are raising kids and I learned it in preparation for teaching the kids I teach at church.  I now teach the 7-8 year olds at church and something I told them I would do is bring them cinnamon rolls on the last Sunday of the month if they all remembered their scriptures every Sunday.  Now sometimes they don't and I send them off to the library to go get them, even though most of them remember now that they need to bring their scriptures to church.  I also give them a snack or some sort of treat when they answer questions and get involved in the discussion. 

What I didn't recognize at first is that I'm helping them learn an eternal principle and how Heavenly Father works.  No, His rewards aren't in treats and cinnamon rolls but He does reward us.  He asks us to say our prayers and read our scriptures every day and lots of times we have the instant rewards of more peace, greater clarity, and we just feel happier.  Then there are other things he asks us to do over an extended period of time.  He wants us to learn diligence and to have a desire to receive the blessings He has for us.  He doesn't give it to us the first time we keep the commandment He has asked us to.  He waits and watches for us to keep acting on our own.  Just like the kids in my church class even though they ask me on the first Sunday of the month and every Sunday after that if I brought them cinnamon rolls, I gently remind them no I didn't.  Remember you have to keep up your end and bring your scriptures to church every Sunday.  They don't get mad at me, they just say okay. 

It's not about the cinnamon rolls once a month or the small treat every Sunday when they participate.  It's about teaching them how Heavenly Father works by acting and waiting until the promises come.  There are so many things we do each and every day that seem like normal life situations, but they are actually experiences where Heavenly Father is trying to teach us how He works.  When we learn those simple lessons keeping at something He has told us to do that seems hard is made easier because we have learned that the promises come.  The kids didn't get mad at me they said okay.  We can learn a great deal by saying okay when the blessing hasn't come yet or an answer to a question hasn't come yet.  Those words okay from those children, show they have faith in me and that I will do what I said I would do. They learn to have faith just like we can that the Lord will do what He said He will, if we do what He has asked us to do.  Keep learning.  Keep trying.  Keep growing and looking for the ways that Heavenly Father is showing you who He is.

I'm a Mother

My husband and I have been married for a 8 1/2 years and during that time frame I have been pregnant 12 times.  5 of those will be babies I get to hold in my arms and kiss and hug and the other 7 have died at 6 weeks, 8 weeks and even 4 months.  Each time I was pregnant I could feel a difference in my body like something special was happening even when I was really sick.  I knew I was getting to create a miracle.  The chances of a women getting pregnant are a 1 in 4 million chance, quite a miracle.  It's amazing that I've had the opportunity to participate in the creation of life as many times as I have even though it hasn't always turned out how I wanted it to.

I've learned in this process over and over again that I am a creator.  No one has been able to duplicate the human body and what it is capable of.  We don't even know all of it's capabilities but I and women all over the world have been able to create life within us.  No one does it just like another.  We do our best caring for the lives inside of us taking care to nurture and sustain it to give it the best possible chance at succeeding.  We feel the potential this tiny life has.  We have hopes and dreams for their future.  We hope they are going to be healthy.  We wonder what we can do to give them a better life.  We wonder if we are capable of helping them become someone who can be kind, generous, and touch the lives around them in positive ways.  We feel scared sometimes that we won't be a good enough mom.  We hope to instill in them the value of hard work and going after their dreams.  We want them to know we love them unconditionally and that they matter to us.  I am a mother, a woman, and a creator of one of the most miraculous things this world has ever known of: human life.

Human life is amazing.  We can change and grow.  We develop attributes that help us contribute to the world around us.  We learn how to adapt to our environments.  We are remarkable and we should celebrate the miracle of our lives because we too were born and developed because of a miracle.  I have tried and I'm not near as great at this as I would love to be but I have tried to help my children realize that they are a miracle.  They should be grateful for their lives and the lives of others because of this knowledge.  Something I do every day is I tell my children I love them and I hug and kiss them because I want their world and their lives to be filled with love.  When they are filled with love and they know they are loved they will show love to others.  I try to help them see how valuable they are to me and their dad.  When I value them and their lives.  They will value the lives of those around them.  I teach them to pray for people who are struggling and that they can go to their divine Creator for guidance and that they matter to Him.  That's what's important to me.

I love being a mother.  It motivates me to be better and to reach for my potential.  I want to be great for my kids and there is no better support system then having your kids cheer you on.  When they tell you they are proud of you and so glad you are their mom the days you yelled or wanted to hide in your closet don't matter anymore.  You know you can be better and that you are raising great kids who can still see your potential even when you don't see it.  That's the type of human being you wanted to help create.  It's what I as a mom want to do for my children.  Starting inside the womb the desires start and after birth when you see them growing and learning it makes everything worth it.

I whole heartedly support the life within the womb.  Those babies have personalities and you know when they are happy and when they are struggling.  I knew when we lost our baby at 4 months that for the previous month something hadn't been right.  Something wasn't okay and when we went into our doctor and didn't find a heartbeat I was devastated.  We found in the ultrasound a couple weeks later that the baby had been being reabsorbed by my body.  I miscarried another 10 days later.  I could feel that from the baby that something wasn't right, and I can't imagine having an experience where I knew the baby was okay and getting rid of that life on purpose.  I had tried everything I could and prayed and hoped it would all be a mistake that my doctor was wrong.  I was hoping for a miracle to keep that life but I had already experienced the miracle and that was getting pregnant.  I got to carry that little life for a short time and it was worth it.  It wasn't a mistake, neither were the other 6 times we lost babies, or the 4 about to be 5 live births.  Life isn't a mistake it's a miracle.  God doesn't make mistakes.  He makes miracles and it's what we do with those miracles we are blessed with as mothers, fathers, families, and friends that make the biggest difference for good or for bad.  I'm grateful I wasn't a miracle that someone thought was a mistake and got rid of, because now I get to choose.  Everyday I choose to be a mother and I'm so grateful.  I say out loud, "I willingly and openly embrace my role as a mother to protect, teach, and nurture my children and make our home a sanctuary of faith and peace."  I'm a woman, a mother, and a lover of the miracle of life.

Miracles are Still Happening

Yesterday I was reminded of an experience I had a few months ago and felt that I needed to share it with more people than I had when it had originally happened.  So, one Sunday morning as I was getting ready for church I felt this almost sudden sickness in my stomach.  As I sat in the bathroom the pain became more and more intense and I recognized what was happening, I must have had an ovarian cyst burst.  If you have ever had one of those burst I think it is way worse than childbirth.  They are excruciating.  The last two I've had I've ended up in the hospital getting fluid because I was so sick and dehydrated.  So, I just sat there praying that the pain would go away and wishing that my husband was home.  My husband was already at church for his morning meetings and I really didn't think I would make it to church without him coming home and giving me a Priesthood Blessing.

If you don't know what a Priesthood Blessing is it's an authority and responsibility given to man in the church I go to, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, to act in the name of God.  My husband or another worthy Priesthood holder would lay his hands on my head and give me a blessing from God to heal, comfort, and guide me.  They are amazing and I always feel such strength when I receive them.  I sent my husband a message telling him that I think death had swarmed over me and I really needed him to come home and give me a blessing.  I hoped in the shower waiting for his meeting to get done and told the kids to play for a little bit until I felt better. 

I continued to pray in the shower for Eric to hurry and get done and get home.  I wanted to feel better because I had a great lesson planned for my Sunday School Class that day.  I teach the young men and women in our ward, which is based on geographical boundaries, that are 15-18 years old.  I had lots of thoughts and impressions that week that I felt would help them.  As I kept thinking and praying huddled in the fetal position in the shower I had this thought clear as day come to my mind, "Why don't you ask Me to be healed?"  I thought that's true why hadn't I thought of that and so I did.  I said, "Heavenly Father, Would Thou please heal me from this pain I'm in? I would really like to go to church today. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen."  The pain lessened significantly at the end of my prayer.  Within 5 minutes I could actually stand.  I got out of the shower and within 15 minutes I felt perfectly fine just like I had before any of this had happened that morning.  I kept telling Heavenly Father, "Thank you for the miracle you sent me this morning.  Thank you.  Thank you."  I finished getting ready and went to church.

When I got to church I told Eric Heavenly Father had given me a miracle and healed me.  I kept telling people all day about how amazing our Heavenly Father is.  He loves us so much and wants to help us.  We just need to ask Him for the help and then do what He asks us to do, which brings me back to why I was reminded of this experience.  I'm 9 weeks pregnant and have been pretty sick the last couple weeks.  Yesterday I was praying for Heavenly Father to make me feel better, when I was reminded that He could heal me and I've experienced that before.  So, of course I immediately prayed and asked for Him to heal me from the sickness and the nausea so I could take care of my kids and home.  I felt Him tell me that if I shared this experience of His power to heal us, if we will just ask Him, then He would heal me.  So, I said okay I will share it and I felt pretty good all day yesterday.  Then the night rolled around and I started feeling sick.  I wondered why am I feeling sick and why didn't He heal me like He told me He would.  As I read from my scriptures I came across a scripture that talked about the importance of writing down the things we are taught by God.  I knew in that moment why He hadn't completely healed me.  I hadn't done my part that I told Him I would.  I hadn't shared the experience He had given me to show others that He is real.  He is aware and He wants to help us because He loves us.

So, today this experience is being shared and I am already feeling much better.  I'm learning that when I do what Heavenly Father tells me I should do He does His part and helps us.  Sometimes He doesn't need us to do anything besides ask and other times He needs us to do a little bit more.  When we do though He always comes through.  I love my Heavenly Father and He loves each of us so much.  I know my healing miracle I received didn't come without the love of Jesus Christ and His sacrifice either.  He makes us whole and complete when we turn to Him.  If you need a miracle in your life or some extra help.  Say a prayer.  Seek for Him because HE is always there and willing to lift you!  Hopefully this helps you as much as it has helped me in strengthening my faith in the power of our Heavenly Father and the Savior, Jesus Christ.  Miracles still are happening!

Taking Time for You

For the last couple weeks, I have walked through my kitchen, cooked and cleaned in my kitchen and only gotten stuck a few times to the floor.  Yes, my floor has been gross and dirty.  I wouldn’t notice it every time I walked on it, just certain times when I would step in something sticky.  I would think to myself I really need to clean my floor, but I don’t have time right now.  I’ll do it later or I’ll clean it tomorrow.  I just knew how dirty it was and was sure it was going to take forever to get it clean.  Now this has been going on for weeks and finally I decided enough is enough, I am cleaning this floor today.

So, I got my water and vinegar mixture ready to clean my floors and I got on my hands and knees.  As I started scrubbing in the far corner it wasn’t too bad, then I got to the areas that have the most traffic like underneath the kitchen chairs and table.  Wow, it was bad.  I had to wash my rag out every two boards.  Each new spot I cleaned made this idea I was having in my mind become clearer and clearer until I realized that Heavenly Father wanted me to learn something from what some would call a mundane task around the home.  As this thought was coming to my mind I become really excited about cleaning my floor and getting it as clean as possible as quickly as I could.

The idea was this, that we are like a floor.  We start out clean and over time we make mistakes, we have challenges, emotions get trapped down inside of us and all of this “personal baggage” piles on.  Our floors get dirty, a spill is made here and there and sometimes you are in the middle of something else and you forget it happened, so you don’t clean it up.  Many times in our own lives things happen that we don’t fully process.  I think when my Dad died I didn’t fully process what was happening to me emotionally or what I was burying down inside of me.  Now a few years later I can look back and see the different areas of my life that were what you could call “sticky” or showing signs that I needed to pay attention and clean some stuff out of me.

When I finally finished cleaning the floor I kept thinking about how much easier that would have been if I would have taken care of the spills when they happened or even did a regular weekly maintenance of wiping my kitchen floor down.  Then the epiphany came.  What if we did that for ourselves?  What if we took better care of ourselves emotionally when things happened?   I began to think of ways that I could maintain a healthier emotional state by getting out the stuck emotions if I had the right tools and by paying attention to my personal warning signs that I needed to work on me.

I know sometimes the thought of working on ourselves and changing can be overwhelming and also a bit scary.  I know before I use to think what if I do this and it doesn’t work.  What if I don’t have enough time to spend to really fix the problem.  Don’t let little fears get in the way of working on cleaning up you.  I have been trying to clean me up just like I did my floor for a long time.  Sometimes I’m not as diligent about it, then I have a power purge day where I have to take a couple hours to clean my floor or some intense couple days trying to figure out why I stopped making the progress I want to.  These are hard and what would be way more effective would be if the cleaning up and clearing out was done day by day and not every couple months.  

I think Heavenly Father is amazing and that it’s awesome that He will teach us simple lessons while we are doing tasks that we routinely do, just like He taught me while I was cleaning my kitchen floor and it was very simple.  He showed me very clearly the importance of taking time daily to pay attention to the simple things happening in my life and how are they affecting me.  If I’m feeling agitated then work on it.  Journal about it and figure it out.  If I’m feeling stuck then write a letter to God and let Him speak back to me.  If I feel sad I try to figure out the source by praying and writing out what’s going on.  As I do this my emotional state is healthier and happier.  I’m not full of the gunk because I’ve been working on clearing it out, cleaning it up, and trying to understand better what I’m going through.  Keeping ourselves “clean” takes a consistent effort and when we do it we are happy and so are the people around us because they don’t get stuck in our personal gunk or the spot on the floor!