A New Day

I've been having the hardest time writing my thoughts down because I felt that once I had shared my thoughts I had to be different somehow.  It was like I had to live up to someone else's expectation of me and where I was headed.  I finally had some clarity though.  I'm not writing my thoughts on a blog because someone told me I should.  I'm writing my thought down because I felt that God wanted me to.  He is the one that knows what I need to write and share.  He is the one that knows where I am going and who I can become.  When I listen to what He tells me, then it's easier to think and feel truth.  I feel peace and have understanding.  When I listen to what I think others want me to say or how they want me to interpret certain situations I get confused.  I don't like being confused.  I like having that sense of clarity that lets you see how things are working together.  I like having purpose and direction which I'm sure is what many of us are searching for.

So, today is a new day.  A day for me to listen to what God wants for me.  He is the one that is teaching me how to be the best version of myself.  He will use people along the way to help lift and encourage me, but ultimately it is through His guiding hand.  When I do things the way He guides me to I'm a better person.  Of course, I'm also stubborn so I kick against what He says and continually find myself back in a confused state wondering why I didn't listen to Him as He was guiding my life.  I don't want to keep experiencing this up and down and twirl around motion.  I want to move upward and forward.  Hopefully I'll be able to give you the real version of me that struggles, triumphs, progresses and is guided because I know those things are what help us on our journey of becoming who we need to become.

The Tortoise and the Hare

Do you ever feel like you get burnt out?  I have felt that often throughout my life.  I push myself too hard and then I lake the motivation to keep going at the same pace.  When I do something I don't like to give 50% or less than 100%.  I like to give it everything I've got until I'm completely exhausted.  That's what happened over this last weekend.

We have tree stumps, weeds, and clumps of dirt all over our yard.  When one says yard I think nice grass you can play in.  Our yard was the opposite of that.  It was a trap for all sorts of entanglements with the gopher holes, the torn down fences, and the piles of weeds.  So, we decided that over the next few weeks we were going to rip all the junk out and get rid of it, till the dirt and get some grass planted.  I started Friday and loaded the trailer with the branches and tree stumps from the yard.  Then I ripped out a fence and raked all the weeds together.  Then I took a the load of wood and dumped it at my in-laws, just so I could get back and burn all the weeds before my husband came home.  I got it done, but I was exhausted.  I knew we still had another couple of hours worth of work left with a little tractor and getting the tree stumps out.  We worked until dark and the next day we finished off that project at our house and went to my in-laws to take out their tree stumps.  I fell into bed Saturday night exhausted.  My body ached but felt good from the physical labor.  Monday came and I attacked the yard again with the tiller going full steam ahead.  By Wednesday my body was so tired and sore I didn't want to do anything. 

I felt it hit.  I didn't want to keep up with my projects.  I didn't think I could keep up this maniac pace of going and going.  I knew from the cycle I was seeing that I was going to crash.  I prayed to ask for help to be able to keep going and I had the gentle reminder come to mind of the story, "The Tortoise and the Hare".  I instantly knew, I was the hare.  The hare in the story just wants to win so he sprints from the get go.  Then he gets so far ahead he lays down to rest.  When he wakes up the tortoise has passed him, so he sprints off to pass the tortoise once again.  Once he is far ahead and quite tired from sprinting he lays down to take a rest.  This happens throughout the story.  The racing to get ahead, then the resting from being tired and thinking he can take a break. The tortoise ends up winning because he was slow, steady, and consistent.  He kept up a sustainable pace.  What I have been doing throughout my life is being like the hare.  I want to do it right now and I want it to be great, so I sprint.  Then I get burnt out and decide to take a rest.  Then it's weeks sometimes before I get back up to sprint again on the projects I have.  This may seem crazy to do the back and forth thing, but I know there are probably times in everyone's lives when they have this experience.  

I'm hoping that I can learn the importance of being steady and consistently doing things every day which will help me win the race.  There is a scripture I love that says, "By small and simple things are great thing brought to pass."  Small things are things we can consistently do every day that make the great things happen in our lives.  Praying is something simple to do but do we do it consistently?  Are we expressing gratitude every day?  It's a really small thing to do, but when you do it the whole world seems so much brighter.  Then you look at the other things in our lives that we do consistently that aren't helping us move forward.  I'm sure that everyone has something like this in their life.  I know I have things I do that aren't helping me and things that are.  I know I'm much happier when I'm doing the small and simple actions that are bringing great blessings and changes into my life.  When I make my baby giggle and we laugh together, there is nothing sweeter.  When I consistently pray with my kids they learn who to turn to.  When I sit and play on my phone, then that's what they want to do too.  I'm the role model for my children and the one who gets to teach them how to learn consistency through small and simple things.  I'm grateful for stories that teach me the lessons of life and how I can change to become someone better on my journey. 

Focus on the Best Things

Have you ever been so overwhelmed at all there is to do in a day, a week, a month, or a lifetime?  There is a lot of good things for us to do and to put our focus on.  As I've been thinking about the things there are to do, I was reminded of a talk and an experience I had almost two years ago.

We were living in Texas and I had been trying to start a new business, which wasn't working out great.  I was really sick and trying to get rid of a cancer causing parasite in my uterus.  I had recently had two miscarriages.  I had three children under three.  I was stressed out.  I saw everything the people on my Facebook feed were doing and I wondered how I would ever keep up.  I knew there were so many things I wanted and needed to do, but how was I ever going to find the time to do them.  I felt overwhelmed thinking about everything, but I had to keep pushing forward because everyone around me was.  I was becoming depressed because of this weight I was carrying.  

Then one day as I was studying my scriptures I had this thought come.  It wasn't related to anything I was reading, but I decided I had better act on it.  The thought was, "Write down all the things that I wanted or needed to do." So, I began writing a list down of all these things.  I was writing furiously because there was just so much to do.  As I got to about number 17 on my list I had another thought come to mind.  The thought was, "Now go back through your list and cross off everything you want or need to do because someone else does it or they told you, you need to."  As I began crossing off things on my list, I'm thinking to myself,  "Why am I doing this?  I don't understand what this is all about."  Then another thought came for me to look back at my list.  As I looked at the scribbled writing of things I thought were so important many of them were crossed out.  There were a few things left on my list which I don't remember what they are now but they all had something in common.  They were all something that I had received a prompting from the Spirit to do.  I began crying as I realized that my load seemed a bit lighter, and that maybe I could keep pushing forward and actually enjoy it.

The next day I read a talk by Elder Dallin H. Oaks titled "Good, Better, Best".   I knew why I had, had those promptings the previous day because He wanted me to focus on the best things, even though the other things on my list I'm sure were good things or even better things, he wanted me to focus on the best.  That experienced has changed my life and I've thought about it a lot since I had it because I see it all the time.  I get around women and men who will say they are so busy because they have so much to do.  Then there are others who will say they feel overwhelmed because of all there is to do and they don't know where to even start.  I've come to learn the place to start is by talking to the Lord or writing down a list.  

Write down a list of the things you want to do or need to do.  Go through it and get rid of the stuff that someone else told you, you need to do or that you want to do.  Then look at the remainder.  If there still feels like there is a lot of things mark them by what the good, better or best things are.  The things left on my list were things God had told me to do, but all the other things I was trying to do were crowding the best things out of my life.  When I focused on the best things on that list I felt peace and let go of all those things that I had scratched off my list.  It doesn't mean none of those things will at some point become the best things for me to do, but it does mean that right then the Lord knew what was best for me.  He knows whats best for all of us and the best things for us to focus on.  I'm grateful that He reminded me of that this morning as I was studying and came across Elder Oaks talk once again.  He must have known I needed a reminder to focus on the best things right now and spending time with my kids is one of those! So, until another prompting comes I'll be playing in the dirt with my kids. 

Listen & Act

I had one of those days yesterday where I wondered to myself, "Why did I have kids?"  They had been into everything all day long.  There had been multiple fights and tantrums.  My daughter had yelled at me telling me it was my fault we had missed a performance of "The Little Mermaid", not even thinking about the 30 minutes we spent sitting in the parking structure that was bursting at the seams with cars looking for spots as well.  By the end of the day I knew I needed to do something different, but I wasn't sure what.

So, as I started into my night time routine with my kids I had some thoughts come.  I started with my oldest son and began with a little massage I do to ease his muscles from growing pains and the things that weigh on him during the day.  As I'm massaging him I ask him how his day was.  He tells me, "It was the worst day ever."  I asked him why.  He says, "Because we didn't go to the park, we didn't watch a movie as a family, I didn't get to be home with everyone."  My heart softens to hear the things that make up his worst day and I just want to love away his worries.  I'm pretty sure I can fix at least the first two things on his list and realize when he is home with everyone we need to be with everyone.  We need to put away the electronics and talk.  He tells me, "Mom, I love talking."  I said, "If you could talk all day long you would, huh?" "Yep!"  He just wants to talk with us, so I want to make sure we are talking and listening to each other more as a family.  I tell him goodnight and that I love him so much.  Then I say, "Lets make tomorrow the best day ever!"  He grins from ear to ear and goes to sleep with a great weight off his shoulders.

I move onto my third who's a boy.  He loves the massage and constantly tells me, "Mom, one more time."  By the time I'm done giving him a massage that one time turned into 10 or 15.  He tells me about the cars laying in his bed and asks me to tell him a story.  He wanted my time and attention, which I hadn't done a very good job at that day.  He seems to have more worries when I don't focus on spending daily quality time with him and he needs that from me and his dad.  At the end of his massage I ask him if he feels better.  He nods his heavy eyes and snuggles in.  I tell him goodnight and that I love him.  He says, "Love you, Mom."  What a sweet little boy.

Then I finally get over to my daughter's room.  I sit down and ask her if she wants a hand massage.  She says, "Yes!"  I ask her how her day was and she says, "It was pretty good Mom except when you yelled at me for being out of my seatbelt when we were driving."  I explained to her why I had yelled about the seatbelt and why she needed to wear her seatbelt.  I told her I wanted her to be safe and how her seatbelt would protect her if we were in an accident.  I told her I loved her so much I wanted to protect her, and that maybe I shouldn't have yelled but she wasn't listening.  That is when the thought came to me of how Heavenly Father works.

Heavenly Father would take the time with us each night to talk about our concerns, worries, triumphs, and anything else every night before we went to bed if we would just ask him.  My daughter every night asks me to come into her room to tap her and give her a massage.  She asks for me to come.  Do I do the same thing with Heavenly Father?  Do I ask for Him to come help me?  Do I ask Him to take away the worries I have or to help me find ways of how to better cope or remove them from my life?
I know He would in a heartbeat help us "Become" something better if we just asked Him and listened.  When I talk to my kids they tell me what they are worried about and I want to listen to them so I can help them.  When I talk to my kids I hope they will do the same thing and listen.  As I listened to my daughter she taught me about a weakness I had.  I payed attention because I wanted to be better.  I didn't want to have to yell at my daughter to do something.  I wanted to be calm and help her understand how listening to my voice would protect her.  Sometimes we get so caught up in the world around us the spirit has to give us an urging with a strong voice because we aren't listening.  When we learn to listen better to the promptings from the spirit protect and guide us.

After having this thought I finished putting my daughter to bed.  With a big hug and kiss I told her how important she was to me and how much I loved her.  Then I said I was sorry I had yelled at her.  She told me she forgave me.  Then I got tears in my eyes because of this sweet little girl.  Entering the bedtime experience I was not happy with my kids and wondering why I even had them.  Exiting my bedtime routine I had a different perspective.  I loved my children with a deeper love and I knew why I had them.  My children are here to help me become someone far better than I could have imagined for myself.  They test me, push me, love me, forgive me, and believe in me.  They are the example of how the Savior and our Heavenly Father feel towards us.  They love us.  They test us so our capacities are increased.  They push us to become who they know we can become. They forgive us! They believe in us, that we can do what they need us to do and that we are doing good things in our lives.  Most importantly again our Savior and Heavenly Father love us!  I'm thankful for my children and how they teach me of the workings of the Savior and Heavenly Father.  They help me know how I can be better and I love them for loving me on my good days and bad days.  They taught me what I needed to change was to listen to them and the spirit with greater focus and act!  I want to listen and act!

Climbing Our Walls

Over the weekend my husband and I went to a class in Salt Lake City to enhance the communication and love within our marriage!  My husband was not excited at first, but by lunch of the first day he was loving the experience.  I felt like it was a win for our team and marriage!  The three days we spent there were filled with tears, laughter, understandings, insights, and hope for the ability to change.  One of the things we connected with was about the power that comes from being in sync with each other.  So, they taught us to sway every day to build unity and power in our marriage.  One of the times that we were swaying during the class they played a song by Labyrinth called Beneath Your Beautiful.  If you haven't listened to it or heard of it go find it.  The lyrics touched my soul and opened the flood gates in my eyes.  A phrase in the song says, "You've built your wall so high That no one could climb it, But I'm gonna try."  I felt the song was speaking directly to me.  I had built my walls so high.  I didn't want anyone to climb those walls, but here is the man I love looking at me. I started crying as his eyes told me these walls don't matter because I'm going to try and climb them.

I thought of what makes me build walls.  Have I been hurt by someone that I love?  Did I make a mistake and feel embarrassed?  What causes the walls I have around me and around my heart to stand so strong when I feel so weak sometimes?  I have felt like my walls will never come down, it doesn't matter who tries to break them down.  It comes down to me and asking for the help of my Savior.  If I really want to break free from the prison I hold myself within, isolated from the outside world, I must reach out.  Reach outside of my walls to the Savior's always out reached hand and grab hold.  Grab hold and have him help me.  At first glance I thought this song was about my husband wanting to help me by saying he would try to climb these walls I've built.  But I know the deeper meaning of these lyrics is talking about my Savior.  He says, "Brittny you've built your walls so high, that no one could climb them, but I'm gonna try."  He will always try to reach us even if we try to put ourselves out of His reach by building these walls.  He is the one that will always try, but will I let Him in.

I'm going to try and do better at letting Him.  When I feel weak instead of thinking I can do it myself and build my wall a little thicker, I'm going to ask for His help.  He wants me to learn to ask for His help even though He is so willing to give it.  I'm the one who needs to learn to rely on Him and when I do I will become more than I thought I could be.

Abide With Me

            I watched the Mormon Message, Abide with Me- Finding Peace Through Prayer this week and was really touched to change my life.  I saw this lady who was so caught up in her own life and what she was doing that she wasn’t looking towards others.  She worked in a chaotic environment and the stress level was high.  The stress she experienced though wasn’t healthy because it didn’t only affect her, but also her intern.  She was demanding, demeaning, and ugly to this young man.  He didn’t know everything he was suppose to be doing, but she acted as though he should be doing it perfectly.  It wasn’t until she saw him praying that she finally looked outside of herself.  She realized that he was struggling but to get through it he was praying.  When she finally seeks help from Heavenly Father in prayer I felt a direction I could be better. 

            So, while thinking of these things and listening to what I needed to change I felt that sometimes I do this to my very own children.  I sometimes think that they need to do everything perfect exactly how I would want them to do it.  When they don’t I get frustrated and get mad at them.  Other times I thought do I get so involved in my own life and struggles that I don’t even think of what my children are going through.  I learned that I need to be better at looking outside of myself and not get so caught up in the tasks at hand.  I need to care about people.  Life isn’t all about tasks and to do lists.  It’s about the people in our lives that are going to make those tasks and to do lists a lot more enjoyable to do because some of them we will do together.  I love my children but do they really know that I love them more than the other tasks I need to get done in a day.

            I don’t want to tell you what you should get from this video, because I have watched it before and never had this thought come to mind.  I think in each different phase of our life that Heavenly Father guides us in different ways that we can improve then.  So, as you watch it yourself, whether you have seen it before, ask yourself how Heavenly Father needs you to abide in Him.  He needs me to abide in Him, by putting my children as a greater priority in my life.  I’m going to really try to be better this week and I know this will help me become a better version of myself, just like the thoughts you get for you will help you become a better version of yourself.  I know this will change your life for the better and I hope the video touches you as much as it did me.  I couldn’t stop crying.

            You can click on this link to watch the Mormon Message https://www.mormonchannel.org/watch/series/mormon-messages/abide-with-me-1

"Prove me now herewith"

         While I was growing up we had many family discussions on tithing and giving to the Lord.  My Dad was constantly telling us of the blessings my mom and he and experienced throughout their lives by being honest in their tithes and offerings.  Many times He even talked about the importance of being generous in our offerings.  I loved hearing their experiences and some of them I had seen during difficult financial times in their lives.  I just knew the Lord would take care of those who gave back to Him.

            So, because of these experiences I never really questioned that 10% of what I earned I was going to give back to the Lord, since ultimately He is the one who gave me all that I have.  Over the years I have experienced amazing blessings that have come through doing what He asks us to do by paying tithes and offerings. 

            My husband and I had a firsthand experience a couple years ago.  We were broke, going to school, we had 2 kids and were pregnant with our third, and my Dad had just died of cancer.  One night my husband and I were praying and I felt that we should double our fast offering.  I thought okay, the Lord has taken care of us so far, and if He needs us to give more He will make it all work out.  So, we began doubling our fast offering.  I can’t explain all the miracles we saw but the windows of heaven poured out upon us.  One of the big miracles for me was that I no longer felt constant worry about our finances and how we were going to pay for everything we needed to each month.  It just worked out.  Our food storage just kept going and going.  It was amazing.

            I tell you all this because I just realized what I have been doing throughout my life that is helping me become the best version of myself.  I have been doing what the Lord asks us to do in 3 Nephi 24:8-10, verse 10 specifically.  The Lord is talking about tithes and offerings and then says, “…prove me now herewith, … if I will not open you the windows of heaven and pour you out a blessing that there shall not be room enough to receive it.”  The Lord asks us to try Him and learn truth for ourselves that He will do what He says He will.  He says if we pay our tithes that he will open the windows of heaven and pour out blessings.  He has done that for me as I have tried the Lord.  I tried the promise that He offered and His promise was fulfilled. 

            I think there are many time in our lives when the Lord wants us to try or prove the promises that come from following Him and keeping His commandments.  He wants to bless us and one of the ways that He blesses us is when we do what He asks.  When we search for truth by acting on promptings or whatever it is He tells us to do, He also promises certain blessings for our lives.  It just makes me think there are so many other things that the Lord needs me to do and blessings He wants to give me but I need to be willing to “prove” Him now herewith and the blessings will come.

            This week if you haven’t had the experience of proving the Lord by paying tithes and offerings, try Him.  I know His blessings and promises are real and true.  They are always there for us when we act.  If you have done that continue to do it and look for other areas of your life that the Lord needs you to try Him and His promises will come.  It is incredible how much He desires to bless us and help us become better.  As you try this out for yourself pay attention to the blessings that come large or small and be grateful as He helps you become the best version of yourself.