Staying Emotionally Connected

I read an article this week that has really had me thinking about the emotional strength of my marriage. I think that in our day it's easy to be more emotionally distracted from our spouses with all the social media platforms, movie streaming services, and the distraction of focusing on ourselves. I have seen it with some friends and others who are just mere acquaintances. The distraction and lure of being emotionally fulfilled outside of our marriages seems to be something we can easily justify away. In the article, "Fidelity in Marriage", Kenneth W. Matheson shared a story that illustrated this point and it really struck me. This woman had become friends with a male coworker. They began casually conversing and pretty soon they started having lunch together. She'd spend her breaks with him and they conversed through email and texts. Her spouse wasn't good at conversation but her coworker was. She found herself talking to him more than her husband since her coworker was such a good listener. She justified the relationship away, saying they were just friends. She finally realized there was a problem after her sister asked some questions. She was experiencing emotional infidelity.   
I don't think we really think of emotionally infidelity as being a problem or even realize that it happens. It seems to be that often times it's the physical infidelity we hear about, but as I read this week I realized that it starts with emotional infidelity. Matheson said, "Emotional infidelity, doesn't usually happen suddenly; rather, it occurs gradually- often imperceptibly at first." Most people don't just go have a physical affair to start with. It starts slowly and innocently at first but gradually it becomes something much more than an innocent association.

I have noticed this in my own life in a somewhat similar way. I love to read, and good clean romance novels are some of my favorites. I especially love regency romance novels. Well, over the summer I read a lot of books. I would read while my kids were playing and while I was feeding my baby. I easily read over 100 books in a matter of a few months. I found that it was a good escape from the every day life. I started reading even when my husband would get home from work. I would eat dinner with my family and then go sit back down to read my book. I became emotionally distant from my spouse. He would try and tell me something about work and I would find myself still reading while he was talking. My books had become more important to me than connecting with my spouse. It wasn't that I didn't love him. I just felt a sense of romance in the novels that I wasn't experiencing in my own marriage. I was developing unrealistic expectations for ways I wanted my spouse to treat me and to feel towards me.

Since I have been in school the last couple months I haven't been able to read as much and it has been really hard. A few weeks ago as I was sitting in church I was thinking about what I needed to change in my life and I had the thought come that I needed to stop reading my romance novels. When I told my husband about this I was crying and so sad. I was devastated to lose this "relationship". It wasn't until I was reading this article this week that I realized that I wasn't being emotional present in my own marriage. It had started as a small book, and little by little it became an obsession of reading as much as I could. I would easily read a book a day and I was neglecting my relationship with my spouse. So, even though it was really hard to stop reading these books, I'm extremely glad I had the prompting to stop reading them. I'm even more grateful that I have come to understand at least one reason why I needed to stop, so I could have emotional fidelity with my spouse.

This may seem like a silly example of emotional infidelity but to me it has been a big thing. No, it wasn't with someone else in particular but it was putting me emotionally out of touch with my spouse. Matheson said, "Emotional infidelity, which occurs when emotions or thoughts are focused on someone other than a spouse, is an insidious threat that can weaken the trust between a couple and shatter peace of mind."(Fidelity in Marriage) I think emotional disconnect can happen in many ways as I noticed it happening in my marriage. H. Wallace Goddard said, "The Lord says in no uncertain terms: "Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else' ... when the Lord says all thy heart, it allows for no sharing nor dividing nor depriving .. The words none else eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse becomes preeminent ... and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse." I had allowed my books to take precedence over my relationship with my spouse. I wasn't cleaving to my spouse and none else. I was sitting next to my spouse while holding onto my book. That's not what the Lord had commanded me to do.

So, now I want you to think for just a minute about what may be taking precedence over your spouse. Is it your cell phone, Facebook, video games, work, church calling, children's sporting activities, hunting, working out, etc.? Is there something you are putting more emotional effort into than your marriage? If so, it's time to prioritize what matters most. Our marriages matter most and being emotionally present with our spouses. President Ezra Taft Benson put it very well when he said, "What does it mean to love someone with all your heart? It means to love with all your emotional feelings and with all your devotion." So that you can love with all your emotional feeing and devotion take the time to ask what you may need to change in your marriage and life. When I did, it opened my eyes and prepared me to hear what I needed to. It helped me to see that I needed to give up something I really enjoy for someone I love far more! I hope you can see ways to improve the emotional fidelity of your relationships and draw closer together through the Lord's help!

Pray for Charity

I've been looking over my last couple posts and something that has stood out is the importance of working on changing our hearts and having forgiveness in our marriages and towards others. I think those things happen by having charity. When I hear the word charity I think of love for others. As I was reading my scriptures recently I read that charity is God's love for us, and that He can help us feel this love for others. So, if we want charity we need to pray and ask to love others as God loves them.

I had an experience like this right after I started on my mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I was receiving training before heading to Florida where I was going to serve. I didn't get along great with my companion I was assigned to be with and we were having some difficulties. My teacher pulled me aside and asked me if I would pray to love this sister. I began praying for her every day that I would see her as God did and be able to feel His love for her. It was pretty neat to feel the difference it made in my heart. We were able to finish our time together on better terms and it strengthened me to feel God's love for someone else. So, even if you aren't married you have co-workers, roommates, family members, neighbors, and lots of other people you can strengthen your relationships with by praying to see them as God does. Maybe you have had an experience like this that has helped you see someone in a new light.

Another experience I had towards the end of my mission was as missionaries we were praying for all these people we were working with, specifically on how we could help them. We prayed for them morning and night. As we prayed for them, Heavenly Father would teach us what we needed to teach them and help them with because Heavenly Father loves all of his children. All the people we were praying for, and us missionaries had so many miracles happen in our lives. It was amazing! I think the important thing I learned here was the importance of being specific in our prayers. If I'm having a hard time with someone don't just pray that it will go away or that whatever needs to happen to fix it will work out. I need to pray specifically like we did for all these people. 

In the book "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage", H. Wallace Goddard gave an example about a woman who was trying to find love again for her spouse. She was miserable. She tried for a couple weeks with sincere effort to change and nothing did. He then shared, "She begged God to change her husband. God invited her to change herself. ... She began trying to see her husband as Jesus saw him, And she felt invited to look for the good in him." Her heart changed and she finally felt love for him again. Maybe your experience isn't as dire as this or maybe it is, the big thing is that we look to change ourselves. As we work on ourselves it's easier to find in one another the things that are good. If you have a hard time finding the good in one of your relationships, take a minute or two and write down something that's good about the other person. Maybe they have really good hygiene, or they work hard. Maybe they have a great smile and they use it often when telling people hello. Start small if that's all you can think of and grow your list from there on the good you find in the other person. I think you'll see a big improvement and you'll draw closer together by rebuilding that friendship that started the relationship in the first place. 

I came across this quote by Marvin J. Ashton in Goddard's book that I think ties into looking for the good in each other. He said, "The greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don't judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone's differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down."

As I read this quote I had the thought, that I could implement these teaching on charity into my prayers and pray for my husband, children and others more specifically. I could learn to be more accepting of their weaknesses and look for their good. I could pray to love them as God does and to see them as He does. Goddard said, "As we feel the love from Him and for Him, we naturally love like Him." As I have been doing this over the last couple days I have felt a difference in my marriage. The relationships with my kids has been better. The relationships with those I have struggled with has improved. It has been really neat and I have loved having this experience! I'm definitely going to continue to do this in my life and to teach my children to do this in their lives. 

As we each look at our own unique relationships I hope we can realize the importance of charity. Having love for your spouse or others allows you to see both sides when conflicts arise. It brings hope and belief when you are making big decisions. It helps us bear and endure all things when we are trying to manage challenges that happen. It enhances all our relationships and gives them added strength. Through charity we learn to be kind and think of others. We can see our spouses and others as God sees them because He loves us! I hope you can see those in your life through new eyes this week and evaluate how you can have greater charity in those relationships that matter most to you!

Turn to Him

I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness this week as I've been reading from John Gottman's book, "the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work". He was talking about the two types of conflicts we have in marriage which are the solvable problems or the perpetual problems, or in other words you can resolve them or you won't. When he talked about the perpetual problems he said that the "majority of marital conflicts fall into this category - 69 percent to be exact". I just kept thinking that seems really high. I wondered if it would really be that high if we allowed Jesus Christ to be part of our marriages. I know that He helps us to change individually, so why wouldn't He help our marriages too.

As I was reading I kept thinking about Jesus Christ and how He is the Master Healer. He suffered in a garden for us and died on a cross, so that He could help. He performed the Atonement, so our hearts could be changed and made whole as we repent. He can heal our hearts so that struggles we have had previously and presently are no longer problems. It doesn't matter whether the conflict we are having is in our marriage, with our parents, our family, a friend, co-worker, neighbor, stranger, or anyone else; because of Jesus Christ our hearts can change. HE will soften what was once hard and we will become clay in HIS hands, so that HE can mold us into becoming WHO we can Become! In the Bible in Jeremiah 18:6 the Lord says, "As the clay is in the potter's hand, so are ye in mine hand." When we are humble in our relationships, we can become clay in our Savior's hands. He will help heal our hearts and mend our conflicts. He will make us more than we could ever be without Him!






To receive His help, we need to be humble. I love the definition of the word humble. It means to bring down the pride of or to reduce someone to a lower state. A potter shows us how this work when working with clay. He takes a block of clay that is hard in his hands, but by working with it, it slowly becomes softer and workable. The potter is able to sculpt beautiful creations because it is able to soften in the master's hands. When our hearts are softened we can be made into something great. Our marriages and our other relationships can grow because we are softening our hearts. It takes diligent effort and the skill of someone who is a master to make a beautiful creation.




This reminds me of an experience I had a number of years ago. I went on a group date to a friend's house where we used his mother's potting wheel. We all attempted to sculpt bowls and cups, but they were nothing anyone would have wanted to buy. We weren't even sure if they would have held any water without leaking. They weren't beautiful creations, but we gave it our best. In contrast his mother's work was really amazing. They had beautiful vases, bowls, and cups in their home. She was more of a master. I think this illustrates how when we try to make something of ourselves, our marriages, and our relationships on our own, we may sometimes only produce something that was considered okay. We may even wonder at the work we have produced, but when we turn our lives/relationships "our clay" over to the Master, He makes beautiful creations. He makes us and our relationships better than we ever could have made them on our own!



H. Wallace Goddard said, "in our marriage, we give gladly and wholeheartedly. We give everything we have and are. And we ask God to increase our capacity so we can give yet more."(Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage) I know when we give our best, there is still more we can give. We can give our hearts in prayer to God. We can ask for His help to increase our ability to forgive our spouse, our family, and others. As we do this I think we become more spiritually mature. Goddard said, "When we become more spiritually mature, we are more likely to enjoy our partner as a total package." I would insert there that we would also enjoy our family and those around us more.

Like I have mentioned in previous posts being prideful is the opposite of humility. When we are prideful we become set in our ways, our hearts are hard just as the clay in the potter's hands. It takes a lot of work to soften. Pride in any relationship is a great stumbling block to having better relationships. So, when we experience conflict in our relationships we can choose to make those problems solvable by being humble and involving the Savior in the process. You may not like how your spouse, parent, or anyone else treats you but by taking those concerns to HIM who knows you and your heart, you can receive help. We in turn can learn how to consecrate ourselves to the Lord and to our relationships.

H. Wallace Goddard said, " Consecration in marriage is... about becoming qualified for the life we will presumably be living there(heaven). This requires a transformation of character. In serving and giving to those within our family stewardship as well as demonstrating patience and continually forgiving our spouses for all the ways they might not meet our expectations, we have the opportunity to emulate Christ, thus transforming ourselves."(Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage)

We need to forgive in our conflicts! If you are having a hard time forgiving, turn to Jesus Christ, who is the Master. Try an experiment in trusting Him. Goddard said, "He will answer every experiment with the same result: love, joy and peace are the fruits of trusting Him." Take a look at your relationships. Are there any where forgiveness could take place? Could the perpetual problems in your marriage or relationships be taken to the Savior? Turn to Him and He will mend your hearts!

To Counsel or Not

The other day I was reading the Book of Mormon, which is another testament of Jesus Christ. There were two verses in Alma 37:36-37 that really stood out to me.

36 Yea, and cry unto God for all thy support; yea, let all thy doings be unto the Lord, and whithersoever thou goest let it be in the Lord; yea, let all thy thoughts be directed unto the Lord; yea, let the affections of thy heart be placed upon the Lord forever.

37 Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for good; yea, when thou liest down at night lie down unto the Lord, that he may watch over you in your sleep; and when thou risest in the morning let thy heart be full of thanks unto God; and if ye do these things, ye shall be lifted up at the last day.

The point that stood out to me was the importance of counseling with the Lord and heeding the directions that He gives us. It reminded me of a chapter I read in John Gottman's book, which I have mentioned in previous posts. His book is called, "the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work". He talked about how accepting the influence of your spouse shows "love and esteem" for them. I think by listening to the counsel that the Lord gives us, shows Him our love and esteem for Him as well.

When we accept the influence of our spouse Gottmans says, "We make them a partner in decision making. We respect and honor each other and their opinions and feelings. We understand that for our marriages to thrive, we have to share the driver seat." There have been many times my husband and I have had this experience of learning how to be partners in our decisions. We have lived in many different states and cities, and each time we have needed to listen to each other as we have made decisions. I haven't felt pushed into one of these decision as we have had many in-depth discussions and talked about the pros and cons. When we have made a choice, we then counsel with the Lord. We have learned to accept each other's influence. One point to make here Gottman says is, "Accepting influence doesn't mean never expressing negative emotions toward your partner."  When we make each other's feelings and opinions an important part of our marriages, then we can be honest with each other even if some of our feelings are negative.

There have been times when I have been irritated with a certain decision we are trying to make because I'm sure that I'm right. I'm sure all of us have experienced this type of situation in our marriages or other relationships when we know we are right. Something that H. Wallace Goddard said is, "We must set aside our provincial view of the world (and of our spouses) and be open to our partner's perspective. We must invite truth, the heavenly perspective."(Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage) I would add in here that we also need to be open to our Heavenly Father's perspective as well. As I shared before it's important that we are counseling with Him too, so He can direct us. 

There are times when we don't listen or acknowledge our spouses thoughts and feelings. Moments like this can lead to pride. Pride is costly to our peace. President Ezra Taft Benson (a previous Prophet for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) said, "Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves ... Selfishness is one of the more common faces of pride. ...The antidote for pride is humility. ... God will have a humble people. Either we can choose to be humble or we can be compelled to be humble. ... Let us choose to be humble."(Beware of Pride) So, even though pride is very destructive in marriages, we can change. We can choose to be humble. We can counsel with our spouses and with the Lord.

I learned this lesson the hard way. My husband and I were making a decision about some further schooling. I didn't really feel like we should do it. My husband on the other hand thought we should. We discussed it at lengths many times. My Dad talked to us about it when we counseled with him and he didn't think it was the best option. We didn't know what else to do. I took it to Heavenly Father in my prayers and had an impression come to go somewhere else. I didn't want to do it. I was very against the counsel I had received and I was so against it, I never even told my husband. We didn't receive further direction, so we ended up making the decision to go on to this additional schooling. 

Half way through that schooling we were praying about where to go when we got done. I received the same answer I had previously. I once again didn't want to tell my husband. I didn't for a couple weeks until I realized that I wasn't heeding the counsel I was given. I finally told my husband. We ended up going there and doing what we would have done before the additional schooling and cost. Neither of us liked it what he was doing. We had spent a lot of money to go to school to do something he didn't like. I was devastated that my pride had gotten in the way of us following Heavenly Father's counsel. He had tried to help us learn without the high cost, but we didn't listen. I constantly look to this experience now every time my pride starts getting in the way when we are making decisions.

In our marriages, if we don't listen to our spouses and accept their influence there are high costs too. Gottman said specifically speaking about husbands, "When a man is not willing to share power with his partner there is an 81 percent chance that his marriage will self-destruct." This isn't saying that women shouldn't listen and accept their spouse's influence as well. It takes practice and being willing to talk to each other. It's okay if you aren't great at accepting the influence of your spouse right now because we can always get better. Goddard says, "When we humbly turn our minds, our lives, and our purposes over to God, He will refine us. We begin to see with new eyes. We feel with new warmth and goodness." 

Take the time to look at your marriage or relationship. Are you listening to each other's opinions and feelings? When you disagree with each other are you still respectful? Do you feel you have influence in your relationship? Do you easily get irritated with each other? Notice I framed these questions to look at yourself, not anyone else.

When we are humble and not prideful we can listen with respect to each other and receive counsel from God! This is a happy path!

Turn Towards Each Other

With Fall gone and Winter upon us overnight I recalled an experience I have had over the last few months. I had really wanted a nice warm welcome when people came up to our house, so we removed truckloads of awful rock away. Then one day after lots of planning I grabbed my kids to tackle the front yard project. We laid pavers, new sod, and planted a hundred flowers. It looked so good and inviting. There was this one plant that really took root and it smelled amazing. (We can't remember what it was called but hopefully we can find it again next year!) Every time I walked up to my house it would make me happy because it looked beautiful and smelled wonderful. I babied all these flowers. Every day I took time to water them and take out the dead flowers to help them bloom more.

As Summer faded into Fall some of those flowers started dying. When I would see them I'd have the thought that I should really take care of those plants before Winter comes. I had this same thought every time I passed my flowers. Then we had a freezing rain and snow the first of October. I hadn't gotten to my plants. Now they looked terrible and I thought the ground would be too hard to pull them all out, so I put it off. Another week went by and every time I opened my door I would think "I really need to get out there and take care of those plants".

Well, one day I finally had the time to set my homework down and get outside. I began on the pots I thought would be easiest. The plants came right out, which took me by surprise. I shook off the dirt and threw the plants out. Once I got done with the pots I moved onto the flower beds. All of the flowers came out really easy. It took a bit of effort and I didn't get every little weed, but it was done. I had cleared the flower beds of the dead debris and they looked so much better. Now every time I walk past those beds I am so thankful I finally listened to what I was hearing, which was "please care about us and take the time to make us feel good again".

I think this experience relates to similar situations we experience in our own relationships with family, friends, and in our marriages. We have an ideal in mind of what we want our marriage to look like and we take careful effort in making it happen. Some examples of little things we do every day that make a big difference are: My husband kisses me every morning before he leaves for work. I great him with a hug and kiss when he gets home from work. We make phone calls during the day to each other. We are doing the little things to make sure our marriage is getting enough "water and is able to bloom!" Then life starts getting in the way. He has a late meeting and I'm headed somewhere so we don't get to connect that day. He has to leave early for work and I don't get to see him. My kids have my phone so I miss his phone calls. The boys have an activity and he goes with them. Little things get in the way of connecting.

In John Gottman's book, "the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work", he calls these little moments we experience "turning towards each other". He calls it this because in those moments we have given a "bid for attention". Bids for attention can be as small as a sigh when doing the dishes, a grumble when doing the laundry, or even asking for a back rub. They can also be as big as asking for help in taking care of an aging parent. We can respond to these bids by turning towards each other, by asking a question, being there to listen or doing what they asked for. Just like my plants needed my attention my spouse needs it just as much. Gottman talks about how turning towards each other operates under the law of positive feedback. He says, "You don't have to turn toward your partner in a very dramatic way to see the benefit." It can be a simple, "Do you need to talk?" or giving them a hug. Just like my flower beds that I thought where going to be really hard to get the plants out of, they were much easier to take care of.

If we listen to the little bids of attention that our spouses, family and friends are giving us we can improve our relationships. Pay attention and listen to those bids. I was turning away from my plants every day I would walk past and not take care of them. Don't leave your relationships to wilt and trust to die because you aren't willing to take a small moment to see to what needs to happen. Make sure you are paying attention to the "bids" and pay attention to when those people in your life turn towards you.

Now if your relationships aren't like you would like them to be, know that there is hope. If you have a habit of ignoring your spouse's requests because you are tired, you can change. If your spouse forgets to help with the dishes even though you have asked (a hundred times), things can change. If you and your spouse don't connect in the day because you are too busy with what you each want to do, you both can change. If you snap at your spouse because something they did upset you, you can change. There is hope for everyone to change. H. Wallace Goddard in his book, "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage", talks about how we can change. He says, "It takes focused faith to remove the most stubborn and persistent maladies of mortality. It takes faith in the Lord Jesus Christ to remove evil from our marriages and bring them to vibrant life." He explained what these evils are with this comment, "Over time we transition irritations into evils."

Not responding to those "bids" can lead to irritation for each other. As we pay attention to those "bids" we receive from others and turn towards each other we can rid ourselves of the wilting aspects of our relationships. We can have vibrant life in those areas that matter most. We can look towards our relationships and feel gratitude that we are able to help each other bloom in small ways each day! Our relationships matter and taking the time to turn towards each other is vital in sustaining them!