I LOVE YOU Because ...

I was recently reminded of an experience I had a number of years ago while serving as a missionary for my church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I got assigned to serve with a missionary I was way excited about and knew her and I would be good friends. As our transfer (6 week period) began I had the thought come to me that I needed to tell her something I loved about her each day and how I saw God's hand in my life. She told me she would join in too. So, at the end of each day as we were back in our apartment I would tell her something I noticed she did that day that I loved, something she said, or an attribute I noticed in her. It was amazing! We had a pretty deep friendship that formed quicker than I had previously experienced. We had a lot of challenges that happened to us over the next 6 weeks but because of that nightly experience we had been having, we had built a foundation that was deeply rooted.

Fast forward 1 year later when I started dating my future husband. It had taken a couple attempts for both of us to get on the same page, but when we did it felt right. A week in to dating I had the thought I needed to do the same thing I had done with the missionary I served with. So, each night I would send him a text about what I loved about him and he would send me one! It was a bit nerve racking to do this but I knew that my love for him would grow quickly by doing this because all day long I was paying attention to the good he was doing. Even though we had plenty of fights, my focus was on the positive because I wanted to be able to honestly tell him what I loved about him that day. We were married a few short months later, and I attribute the love I had for him to that simple little thing we did each day.

In the book, "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage", H. Wallace Goddard says, "We can learn to choose and cherish the good." My husband and I were choosing to look for the positive and the goodness in each other. The word cherish means: to hold something dear, or protect and care for (someone) lovingly. I love the book, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work". Seriously it is so good! In it John Gottman says, "Cherishing is a habit of mind, ... you maximize thoughts of your partner's positive qualities and minimize thoughts of negative ones." By looking for the positive in my husband and not focusing on the negative I was learning a habit that would help me cherish him more. Through this process I have been able to hold dear to the great qualities in my spouse and I want to protect and care for him in small and simple ways.

To simply tell my future spouse what I loved about them each day was not always easy. The days when we had a fight were very difficult, but it stretched me to look beyond my own pride and hurt feelings towards someone that was just as important. Goddard mentioned experiences like this when he said, "God knows that what we obtain too easily we esteem too lightly. ... To become heavenly, we must endure earthly challenges - including the unexpected ones in marriage." I realize now that God was preparing me to love my spouse deeply and to work at that love for him in the midst of our earthly challenges. Gottman says, "Having fundamentally positive views of your spouse and your marriage is a powerful buffer when bad times hit." I totally believe this. Although the love I have for my spouse was not always an easy thing to have, especially with the many challenges we faced before we got married and since being married. We have worked at loving each other, which has been a blessing when the trials have come in our marriage. It has been a great buffer!

These simple little acts I have come to understand are ways to build our love maps and to nurture a fondness and admiration for each other. Our love maps are essential in helping us learn more about each other. It's where we store all the information about one another that is relevant like: their favorite salad dressing, the books they like to read, what music they like, how they feel about their boss, what kinds of gifts they like, what they like to do to relax and  many other things. As these love maps are built it is easier to be connected with each other when trials do come. By doing those simple "I love you because..." I was building a love map with my spouse because I was interested in them and wanting to know as much as I could. I was on the hunt for more to love about them! Gottman said, "The key to reinvigorating fondness and admiration is to get in the habit of scanning for qualities and actions that you can appreciate. And then, let your partner know what you've observed and are grateful for."

This week take the time to evaluate your relationships, as you saw it worked with both my mission friend and my husband. Our relationships will have ups and downs due to challenges, but lets make sure we are giving them our best by focusing on the positive in each other! If you don't know what your spouse's favorite food is, ask them. If you don't know how they feel about their boss, have a conversation. Ask the questions! Have the discussions! Build your Love Map! Find your Buffer! Take a minute to tell your spouse or whoever it is in your life, "I LOVE YOU Because ...."!

Stop the Four Horseman

The other night my husband and I were discussing the book, "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John Gottman and started talking about the love labs Gottman used to do research on couples. I told my husband that Gottman can predict whether a couple will get divorced with a 90% accuracy based on watching them have a conversation for about 15 minutes on something they have a continual disagreement about. We both looked at each other and at the same time said, "I kind of want to go to one of his love labs!" Then we both started laughing and said it would be kind of fun to see what he would say. We finished our conversation laughing and making jokes about the "fight" we would have and what repair attempts we would use. It was a good experience because this type of conversation wouldn't have happened quite like that when we got married. It would have been more like one of us would have brought up a sensitive subject and then it would have turned into a real conflict.

I tell you this to show you that your marriages can get better. We had silent treatments or stonewalling when we were first married. We weren't sure how to address conflict, so we avoided it instead. It was a great blessing that right after we got married my husband and I decided to take a Marriage Enhancement class together. I needed it for my major and he needed an elective. We had to discuss a lot of hard things in class and at home. Almost our whole class was made up of couples both old and young and it was amazing to listen to them talk about what they were learning. Something that really stood out to me during that class was John Gottman's Four Horsemen and what we can do to overcome those in our marriages. The Four Horsemen are Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. In his book he goes into great detail about why these are so important to look out for in a marriage. He expresses that it's not necessarily bad that couples argue but in the way they argue. 

These four horsemen can happen in a marriage if we aren't vigilant in our interactions and in deepening our relationship with our spouse. Gottman says, "Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse." Friendship needs to be the foundation of our love for each other. When we do things to deepen our friendship and strengthen those bonds we operate in what he calls a Positive Sentiment Override. We feel happy about our marriage. We can look to the good even if we have had negative experiences with each other. 

He shared the idea of a "set point", similar to what you would find when you hit a point in your weight where you fluctuate up and down from it but is usually where you reside. If you are overweight it takes a lot of effort to get to a better weight. The same would go for any weight. You usually stick to a similar weight range. Marriage happiness or negativity work the same way. If you have a lot of positivity in your marriage you'll experience more of it and it will take more negativity to hurt your relationship. If there is more negativity it's more difficult to fix. So, we need to work on getting our "set point" on a higher plane. Some ideas that my husband and I have found to be helpful are reading a book together, going on walks or drives, watching funny movies, playing games together, joking around, cooking, holding hands, giving each other a kiss whenever one of us leaves, hugging, and there are many more options. Find something that works for you to bring happiness into your marriage. If we can get the positivity in our marriages to happen more frequently and at a higher rate we can combat the four horsemen in our relationships. By reinforcing my friendship with my spouse we have been able to find repair attempts that work when conflicts do arise.

What is a repair attempt? Repair attempts are something you do to prevent a negative situation from getting out of control. If you aren't sure think about an inside joke you have with your spouse or if there is something they do or say that just calms you down. Something my husband and I say right before we know that stonewalling is a high possibility is, "I STILL love you!" and then we grab their hand. It brings an instant smile to our face. Then we chuckle and finish the conversation. It's an inside joke that works for us. An example of this is when we say, "Count to 10." We are trying to calm down before the storm hits. Successful and happy marriages are able to use things like this to help their marriages. They recognize them when they are used by their spouse. Gottman says, "What determines the success of their repair attempts is the strength of their marital friendship." 

In order to develop this friendship, so we can stop the negative eruptions during conflict, we need to have what Gottman calls, attunement. It's when you have "a mutual understanding of each other on a core emotional level." He explains that the more skilled partners are at attunement the more resilient their friendship and promising their future will be. That's the optimal goal to have a promising future and be understanding of each other. I believe this is important because through understanding each other we gain compassion, show empathy and learn how to love each other in a more meaningful way. What are some ways you have learned how to connect with your spouse that enhance your emotional connection? I watch sad movies with my spouse and we talk about hard things. When I allow myself to be vulnerable, it seems like he feels he's allowed to be as well. Having our kids has deepened this understanding. So as much as people say kids drive a wedge between spouses, our kids bring up things in us that allow us to connect and talk about them. They have helped us strengthen our bond.

This week as you pay attention to your most important relationships think about the good things you are doing to strengthen those friendships. Is there an area you can improve? Are you allowing too much negativity into your marriage or this relationship? Do you need a better repair attempt? Pay attention to thoughts that come to your mind. I think we can all improve in some way every day in any of our relationships and all these suggestions work for any type. So, choose something today and build a deep and abiding friendship with your spouse, significant other, or someone else you could have a better relationship with. Frienship is important and it matters; remember it could save you from the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse! 

A Covenant Marriage

Each of us are going to face trials and tests in life and our marriages. It's how we face opposition in marriage that shows us if our marriage is based on a contract or a covenant. “Elder Bruce C. Hafen gave a talk called "Covenant Marriage" and in it he shared how those in a contract marriage (when faced with challenges) walk away because it's not what they bargained for.” Those in a covenant marriage stay to work through them. They marry to grow and to give of themselves. He said, "Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent."

I wouldn't want to be in a marriage where my spouse was only going to give 50 percent of themselves to making our marriage work. It reminds me of group projects. In those groups you have some people that give it everything they've got and others who are riding the coat tails of the rest of the group. You have the one who doesn't show up until the last meeting, hoping that they will get full credit. Then you have the one you've only ever heard of. They never show up and you never hear anything from them. The most difficult is when you have the person in your group who said they would do a really important part and they never participate past the first meeting. You call them. You see them at school. It's always one excuse after the other and they never do it. It leaves others scrambling to get the project done and no one wants to work with them again.

You have each of these types in marriage. You have the spouse who gives their marriage everything they have, even when they've been given a big load to carry. Then you have another type of spouse who shows up but doesn't really do any work. Another one who sees their marriage about to fail and finally puts in the last ditch effort at the very end hoping those efforts will save their marriage. Then another one who doesn't really seem to worried about getting married. They have more important things to do. They are the marriage companion that will come when the Lord fulfills His promises on the other side! Lastly you have the contract companion. They vow they will honor and support their spouse. They showed up on their wedding day but when there was more required they couldn't be counted on. They had other things they put ahead of their spouse and their marriage. It was more than they bargained for. Their marriage failed because they gave into those things that Elder Hafen calls the wolves that test our marriage.

He mentions how every marriage will be tested, and if you are married you know that is true. The three kinds of wolves that will test us are natural adversity, our own imperfections, and excessive individualism. The wolf I feel that has tested my marriage the most is natural adversity.  My husband and I have experienced many natural struggles like my dad dying, sickness, having multiple miscarriages, job changes, financial challenges, moving, children, and school to name just a few. Each of you probably have had some similar challenges and are able to recall the times it was really hard. It's what you did during those hard times that give you strength. We learned during our phases of struggle that we weren't going to give up. We had committed to do our part and we did. We grew closer together. We were like the student giving 100% on the project. For others maybe it's your own imperfections that test your marriage, or the need to have your own space and being left alone. Whatever it is, don't let the wolves win. Stay close to each other. 

Elder Hafen reassures us, "When we observe the covenants we make at the altar of sacrifice, we discover hidden reservoirs of strength." He shared further insight by declaring, "Covenant marriage requires a total leap of faith; they must keep their covenants without knowing what risks that may require of them. They must surrender unconditionally, obeying God and sacrificing for each other. They will discover ... incomprehensible joy."

As we honor our covenants and are willing to sacrifice for each other, strength and joy do come and together we are able to beat the wolves that are testing our marriages! So, lets keep our covenants we made at marriage. Give it 100% so the other person in our group, (Our Spouse), will benefit from our efforts as well. It's when we do these things that we find strength to keep going, to move forward and draw closer together. Make your marriage a covenant one full of joy! 

Defenders of Marriage

This week I was reading a commencement address given at BYU by Elder Russell M. Nelson in 2014, called "Disciples of Jesus Christ - Defenders of Marriage". He is now the Prophet of my church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He gave so much great advice and counsel that I thought I should finally let my thoughts be heard as he suggested.

I'll start with being honest. I have been afraid for a long time to share what I'm being taught by God about my family and marriage. So, I have kept my blog private for a number of years. I have a number of drafts written that I have never posted because I was too afraid. I sat back silently hoping that someone else would write some of the things I was thinking and feeling. There were some people who did, but they didn't write it the same way I was being taught specific things. I kept hoping that the thought to share what Heavenly Father wanted me to would go away. It hasn't. I still feel the need to share what I'm being taught because I feel like it is important.

Elder Nelson said, "The day is gone when you can be a quiet and comfortable Christian. There is no such thing as a "part-time" disciple of the Lord Jesus Christ. Jesus invited anyone who wants to be His disciple to take up His cross and follow Him. Are you ready to join the ranks? Or will you be ashamed of the gospel? Will you be ashamed of your Lord and His plan?... Disciples of the Lord are defenders of marriage. We cannot yield. History is not our judge. A secular society is not our judge. God is our judge!"

That line, “God is our judge” keeps going through my mind over and over again. I realized I was more afraid of the world judging me than I was God. But God is my true judge, not our secular society. I can't sit silently on the sidelines cheering on others who are defending what I believe in and not let my voice be heard even if I'm afraid. I need to join the ranks and defend my Lord and His plan. His plan was designed for families. In the Bible in the first chapter of Genesis it says, "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. ...God blessed them, and said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth,". He designed it for a man and a woman to get married and have children.

Elder Nelson said, "Male and female are created for what they can do and become, together. It takes a man and a woman to bring a child into the world. Mothers and fathers are not interchangeable. Men and women are distinct and complementary. Children deserve to grow up with a mom and dad." I believe this is true. People of the same-sex can't bring a child into the world without the means and aid of someone of the opposite sex. It's simple biology that tells us this truth. I believe marriage between a man and a woman is needed for the continuation of society. 

The law in our society in recent years has tried changing God's law and allowed for people of the same-sex to get married. Justice Alito, one of the justices who didn't agree with the ruling allowing same-sex marriage, said, "“The family is an ancient and universal human institution. Family structure reflects the characteristics of a civilization, and changes in family structure and in the popular understanding of marriage and the family can have profound effects." Elder Nelson attests to this truth about family structure when he said, "Marriage was not created by human judges or legislators. It was not created by lobbyists. Marriage was created by God!" Marriage was ordained by God to be between a man and a woman who would have children. That family structure is universal institution. 

I want my voice to be heard that I stand by God's Prophet, President Russell M. Nelson and by Him, God our Father, who created marriage. To sum up what Alexander Dushku said in a Religious Freedom Annual Review at BYU if we want to continue the discussion for change in our societies we need to make our voices heard. We can speak civilly about our opinions. We need to stand up for what we believe in and not retreat. We need to be tolerant and ask for decency as we in turn do the same for those of opposing beliefs. I'm going to strive more consistently to be an example of my beliefs with others through love and charity for all God's children no matter what. 

I hope you can think of ways you can be a disciple of Christ all the time, and join His ranks. I'm learning that it's good to share what I believe in. I encourage you to stand up for what you believe in and share it with others in a loving way!