I'm a Mother

My husband and I have been married for a 8 1/2 years and during that time frame I have been pregnant 12 times.  5 of those will be babies I get to hold in my arms and kiss and hug and the other 7 have died at 6 weeks, 8 weeks and even 4 months.  Each time I was pregnant I could feel a difference in my body like something special was happening even when I was really sick.  I knew I was getting to create a miracle.  The chances of a women getting pregnant are a 1 in 4 million chance, quite a miracle.  It's amazing that I've had the opportunity to participate in the creation of life as many times as I have even though it hasn't always turned out how I wanted it to.

I've learned in this process over and over again that I am a creator.  No one has been able to duplicate the human body and what it is capable of.  We don't even know all of it's capabilities but I and women all over the world have been able to create life within us.  No one does it just like another.  We do our best caring for the lives inside of us taking care to nurture and sustain it to give it the best possible chance at succeeding.  We feel the potential this tiny life has.  We have hopes and dreams for their future.  We hope they are going to be healthy.  We wonder what we can do to give them a better life.  We wonder if we are capable of helping them become someone who can be kind, generous, and touch the lives around them in positive ways.  We feel scared sometimes that we won't be a good enough mom.  We hope to instill in them the value of hard work and going after their dreams.  We want them to know we love them unconditionally and that they matter to us.  I am a mother, a woman, and a creator of one of the most miraculous things this world has ever known of: human life.

Human life is amazing.  We can change and grow.  We develop attributes that help us contribute to the world around us.  We learn how to adapt to our environments.  We are remarkable and we should celebrate the miracle of our lives because we too were born and developed because of a miracle.  I have tried and I'm not near as great at this as I would love to be but I have tried to help my children realize that they are a miracle.  They should be grateful for their lives and the lives of others because of this knowledge.  Something I do every day is I tell my children I love them and I hug and kiss them because I want their world and their lives to be filled with love.  When they are filled with love and they know they are loved they will show love to others.  I try to help them see how valuable they are to me and their dad.  When I value them and their lives.  They will value the lives of those around them.  I teach them to pray for people who are struggling and that they can go to their divine Creator for guidance and that they matter to Him.  That's what's important to me.

I love being a mother.  It motivates me to be better and to reach for my potential.  I want to be great for my kids and there is no better support system then having your kids cheer you on.  When they tell you they are proud of you and so glad you are their mom the days you yelled or wanted to hide in your closet don't matter anymore.  You know you can be better and that you are raising great kids who can still see your potential even when you don't see it.  That's the type of human being you wanted to help create.  It's what I as a mom want to do for my children.  Starting inside the womb the desires start and after birth when you see them growing and learning it makes everything worth it.

I whole heartedly support the life within the womb.  Those babies have personalities and you know when they are happy and when they are struggling.  I knew when we lost our baby at 4 months that for the previous month something hadn't been right.  Something wasn't okay and when we went into our doctor and didn't find a heartbeat I was devastated.  We found in the ultrasound a couple weeks later that the baby had been being reabsorbed by my body.  I miscarried another 10 days later.  I could feel that from the baby that something wasn't right, and I can't imagine having an experience where I knew the baby was okay and getting rid of that life on purpose.  I had tried everything I could and prayed and hoped it would all be a mistake that my doctor was wrong.  I was hoping for a miracle to keep that life but I had already experienced the miracle and that was getting pregnant.  I got to carry that little life for a short time and it was worth it.  It wasn't a mistake, neither were the other 6 times we lost babies, or the 4 about to be 5 live births.  Life isn't a mistake it's a miracle.  God doesn't make mistakes.  He makes miracles and it's what we do with those miracles we are blessed with as mothers, fathers, families, and friends that make the biggest difference for good or for bad.  I'm grateful I wasn't a miracle that someone thought was a mistake and got rid of, because now I get to choose.  Everyday I choose to be a mother and I'm so grateful.  I say out loud, "I willingly and openly embrace my role as a mother to protect, teach, and nurture my children and make our home a sanctuary of faith and peace."  I'm a woman, a mother, and a lover of the miracle of life.

Miracles are Still Happening

Yesterday I was reminded of an experience I had a few months ago and felt that I needed to share it with more people than I had when it had originally happened.  So, one Sunday morning as I was getting ready for church I felt this almost sudden sickness in my stomach.  As I sat in the bathroom the pain became more and more intense and I recognized what was happening, I must have had an ovarian cyst burst.  If you have ever had one of those burst I think it is way worse than childbirth.  They are excruciating.  The last two I've had I've ended up in the hospital getting fluid because I was so sick and dehydrated.  So, I just sat there praying that the pain would go away and wishing that my husband was home.  My husband was already at church for his morning meetings and I really didn't think I would make it to church without him coming home and giving me a Priesthood Blessing.

If you don't know what a Priesthood Blessing is it's an authority and responsibility given to man in the church I go to, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, to act in the name of God.  My husband or another worthy Priesthood holder would lay his hands on my head and give me a blessing from God to heal, comfort, and guide me.  They are amazing and I always feel such strength when I receive them.  I sent my husband a message telling him that I think death had swarmed over me and I really needed him to come home and give me a blessing.  I hoped in the shower waiting for his meeting to get done and told the kids to play for a little bit until I felt better. 

I continued to pray in the shower for Eric to hurry and get done and get home.  I wanted to feel better because I had a great lesson planned for my Sunday School Class that day.  I teach the young men and women in our ward, which is based on geographical boundaries, that are 15-18 years old.  I had lots of thoughts and impressions that week that I felt would help them.  As I kept thinking and praying huddled in the fetal position in the shower I had this thought clear as day come to my mind, "Why don't you ask Me to be healed?"  I thought that's true why hadn't I thought of that and so I did.  I said, "Heavenly Father, Would Thou please heal me from this pain I'm in? I would really like to go to church today. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen."  The pain lessened significantly at the end of my prayer.  Within 5 minutes I could actually stand.  I got out of the shower and within 15 minutes I felt perfectly fine just like I had before any of this had happened that morning.  I kept telling Heavenly Father, "Thank you for the miracle you sent me this morning.  Thank you.  Thank you."  I finished getting ready and went to church.

When I got to church I told Eric Heavenly Father had given me a miracle and healed me.  I kept telling people all day about how amazing our Heavenly Father is.  He loves us so much and wants to help us.  We just need to ask Him for the help and then do what He asks us to do, which brings me back to why I was reminded of this experience.  I'm 9 weeks pregnant and have been pretty sick the last couple weeks.  Yesterday I was praying for Heavenly Father to make me feel better, when I was reminded that He could heal me and I've experienced that before.  So, of course I immediately prayed and asked for Him to heal me from the sickness and the nausea so I could take care of my kids and home.  I felt Him tell me that if I shared this experience of His power to heal us, if we will just ask Him, then He would heal me.  So, I said okay I will share it and I felt pretty good all day yesterday.  Then the night rolled around and I started feeling sick.  I wondered why am I feeling sick and why didn't He heal me like He told me He would.  As I read from my scriptures I came across a scripture that talked about the importance of writing down the things we are taught by God.  I knew in that moment why He hadn't completely healed me.  I hadn't done my part that I told Him I would.  I hadn't shared the experience He had given me to show others that He is real.  He is aware and He wants to help us because He loves us.

So, today this experience is being shared and I am already feeling much better.  I'm learning that when I do what Heavenly Father tells me I should do He does His part and helps us.  Sometimes He doesn't need us to do anything besides ask and other times He needs us to do a little bit more.  When we do though He always comes through.  I love my Heavenly Father and He loves each of us so much.  I know my healing miracle I received didn't come without the love of Jesus Christ and His sacrifice either.  He makes us whole and complete when we turn to Him.  If you need a miracle in your life or some extra help.  Say a prayer.  Seek for Him because HE is always there and willing to lift you!  Hopefully this helps you as much as it has helped me in strengthening my faith in the power of our Heavenly Father and the Savior, Jesus Christ.  Miracles still are happening!

Taking Time for You

For the last couple weeks, I have walked through my kitchen, cooked and cleaned in my kitchen and only gotten stuck a few times to the floor.  Yes, my floor has been gross and dirty.  I wouldn’t notice it every time I walked on it, just certain times when I would step in something sticky.  I would think to myself I really need to clean my floor, but I don’t have time right now.  I’ll do it later or I’ll clean it tomorrow.  I just knew how dirty it was and was sure it was going to take forever to get it clean.  Now this has been going on for weeks and finally I decided enough is enough, I am cleaning this floor today.

So, I got my water and vinegar mixture ready to clean my floors and I got on my hands and knees.  As I started scrubbing in the far corner it wasn’t too bad, then I got to the areas that have the most traffic like underneath the kitchen chairs and table.  Wow, it was bad.  I had to wash my rag out every two boards.  Each new spot I cleaned made this idea I was having in my mind become clearer and clearer until I realized that Heavenly Father wanted me to learn something from what some would call a mundane task around the home.  As this thought was coming to my mind I become really excited about cleaning my floor and getting it as clean as possible as quickly as I could.

The idea was this, that we are like a floor.  We start out clean and over time we make mistakes, we have challenges, emotions get trapped down inside of us and all of this “personal baggage” piles on.  Our floors get dirty, a spill is made here and there and sometimes you are in the middle of something else and you forget it happened, so you don’t clean it up.  Many times in our own lives things happen that we don’t fully process.  I think when my Dad died I didn’t fully process what was happening to me emotionally or what I was burying down inside of me.  Now a few years later I can look back and see the different areas of my life that were what you could call “sticky” or showing signs that I needed to pay attention and clean some stuff out of me.

When I finally finished cleaning the floor I kept thinking about how much easier that would have been if I would have taken care of the spills when they happened or even did a regular weekly maintenance of wiping my kitchen floor down.  Then the epiphany came.  What if we did that for ourselves?  What if we took better care of ourselves emotionally when things happened?   I began to think of ways that I could maintain a healthier emotional state by getting out the stuck emotions if I had the right tools and by paying attention to my personal warning signs that I needed to work on me.

I know sometimes the thought of working on ourselves and changing can be overwhelming and also a bit scary.  I know before I use to think what if I do this and it doesn’t work.  What if I don’t have enough time to spend to really fix the problem.  Don’t let little fears get in the way of working on cleaning up you.  I have been trying to clean me up just like I did my floor for a long time.  Sometimes I’m not as diligent about it, then I have a power purge day where I have to take a couple hours to clean my floor or some intense couple days trying to figure out why I stopped making the progress I want to.  These are hard and what would be way more effective would be if the cleaning up and clearing out was done day by day and not every couple months.  

I think Heavenly Father is amazing and that it’s awesome that He will teach us simple lessons while we are doing tasks that we routinely do, just like He taught me while I was cleaning my kitchen floor and it was very simple.  He showed me very clearly the importance of taking time daily to pay attention to the simple things happening in my life and how are they affecting me.  If I’m feeling agitated then work on it.  Journal about it and figure it out.  If I’m feeling stuck then write a letter to God and let Him speak back to me.  If I feel sad I try to figure out the source by praying and writing out what’s going on.  As I do this my emotional state is healthier and happier.  I’m not full of the gunk because I’ve been working on clearing it out, cleaning it up, and trying to understand better what I’m going through.  Keeping ourselves “clean” takes a consistent effort and when we do it we are happy and so are the people around us because they don’t get stuck in our personal gunk or the spot on the floor!    

To Honor

Lately I’ve been thinking about the role of a mother and father in the home.  When God commanded us to honor our father and mother, what did that really mean?  I wasn’t sure what it meant to honor, so as I looked in the dictionary it talked about having reverence or respect for someone, even giving them some authority in your life.  Almost instantly the thought came to my mind that there were definitely things I respected in my father and mother.  I respected and honored the faith of my father.  He would do whatever God told him to do and it didn’t matter how hard it was going to be.  He just said okay if that’s what you want me to do, I’ll do it.  I respected my mother for always standing by my Dad’s side and believing in him, whatever the goal or dream was he was pursuing.  She had a lot of faith that God was directing them together as a couple.  I truly honored them for those attributes. 

I then thought of Jesus Christ and what it means to honor him.  I respect and reverence Him for the attributes He possess.  He was selfless, willing, compassionate, merciful, submissive, aware of others, loving and the list goes on.  I place Him as an authority in my life because of the life He led.  He is someone that is worth honoring and giving reverence towards because of who He was.  

As I have pondered upon these thoughts of honoring and reverencing my father and mother and the Savior I realized something very important.  There were other things I didn’t respect about my parents, which doesn’t mean they were bad.  I just needed something different in my life.  I may have needed to see love in a different way or to have felt compassion in a more personal manner.  I know though that my parents were trying their best and doing what God told them to do.  It didn’t mean they were going to be perfect. It just meant they were truly trying and I have an opportunity to learn from them. 

As a mother with small children I get the opportunity every day to work on those attributes that help my children find in me the things they can respect.  Just like I found those in my parents and Jesus Christ.  I realized what I honored about my parents was the positive attributes they were demonstrating in their daily actions and attributes they were trying to develop.  Being a parent isn’t easy, but it is possible to teach our children to honor their father and mother.  We look at the attributes that we honor and respect then try to emulate them in our own lives. 

This week as I’ve been pondering on this thought, I’ve written down attributes that I admire and took a minute to look inward to see where I can improve.  I’ve asked myself how I can acquire that attribute and give my children something to honor in me.  I have had distinct impression on what I can do better to not only help me, but my children as well.  Learning to honor our father and mother will go a long ways in helping our society develop attributes that help and contribute instead of taking away and diminishing the amazing blessings we are given. 

So, today or in the next few days.  Take a few minutes and ask yourself some personal questions.  See how you can improve and be grateful for the areas where you are doing a good job.  Each of you are worth the time it takes to improve and change whether you are a parent now, your children are already gone or you aren’t yet married.  Strive to be the best you and develop those attributes within you that are worth being honored for. You are amazing and worth it!

            

What codes am I receiving?

        Over the last couple weeks I have done a lot of driving to visit family and friends in Utah and Wyoming.  On the first day of my trip my car kept giving me the code "Transmission Hot".  It was freaking me out a bit since it was just me and the kids.  Well, over the weekend I went to this class and Meg Johnson spoke. (Look her story up and all she does, it's amazing.)  One of the things she said we should ask ourselves when we are going through a trial, struggle, challenge, or anything difficult is "What can  I learn from this ... (whatever it is)?"

        So the other night I was driving my car and asked Heavenly Father what was I suppose to learn from this car problem.  Immediately a thought came to my mind that I'm like the transmission.  The code had come up on my car from driving and pushing my car all day.  I realized that Heavenly Father was right.  I push and push myself and sometimes forget to stop and take care of the problems that are showing up in my life.  As I drove I would pull over when the code would come up, and I would be super worried about it.  Then the code would turn off and I would start driving again.  A ways down the road the code would pop up again.  I'd pull over or slow down until it turned off.  Finally it stopped showing up so frequently and I stopped worrying about it so much.

        It's the same way with our own lives.  We have situations that come up that let us know we are having a problem.  We then focus on the problem for a little bit until it seems like everything is okay. Then it may be the next day or week later and we are triggered again.  I realized with me that most of the time I focus on the problem enough to put the band-aid on and move forward.  I bury the problem because I really don't have the time to fix what is really going on.  So, for two weeks now I've been having this struggle with my car and I keep putting the band-aid on instead of fixing it.

        When a problem comes up in our cars it means something is going wrong.  Our car is trying to get our attention focused on something specific so we can give it the attention it needs and fix it.  How often in our own lives do problems come up and we get upset or frustrated instead of looking at the opportunity we are being given to fix a challenge in our life?  I don't want to run like a hot transmission that is constantly pushed to it's max and seems to never get a relief.  I want to run like a well oiled machine because I take care of the challenges, trials and other difficulties that come up in my life when they happen, not when I finally explode or over heat.

         As we work on looking at the things we can learn and what is triggering those situations that may keep being presented in our lives, lets deal with them and be healed!  Lets run more smoothly and efficiently as we work on becoming!  So, ask yourself, "What is the code I'm receiving?  What can I learn from it?  What can I adjust in my life so my 'transmission' (my body, mind, and soul) runs smoothly?