Accepting the In-law

Over the last couple months I have been taking two different classes on family and marriage. There have been many similarities in these classes and things I have read that have made a big difference in my family. One of those things was a chapter we read from the book "Helping and Healing our Families". I was really excited to read this as I had used this book in a different class taught by Julie Haupt ,who is the managing editor of the book. I have pulled this book out often over the last 8 years and looked through it's teachings to help me. I would recommend getting a copy of this book if you have a family, are part of a family, or want your own family. Seriously everyone should read it.

As I was reading about the importance of extended family I kept thinking about the kind of in-law I wanted to be someday and future grandparent. I want to be involved in my children's lives, but not to the point of being over-bearing. I want to be able to visit my kids and their spouses. I want to have a close family but have wondered how to do this with a large family. My husband and I both come from big families and we have seen how difficult it is for our parents to be involved in our lives. It seems to be much easier to be involved in your children's lives when they live near you. So, what do we do to keep our children close, yet let them live their own lives? How do you show love and acceptance even when the relationships aren't good? Is there hope for troubled in-law relationships?

Something that stood out to me in answering these questions was the importance of accepting your children's choices and spouses. We need to be happy with whoever our children are going to marry and realize they are not going to be just like us. They will be different so we need to reestablish our expectations. James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen said, "A more realistic expectation is that children-in-law will bring new perspectives into the family, and the family can learn from these differences and be complemented by them ... Parents who can work toward inclusion of a new son- or daughter-in-law and who show increased love and support have the best relationship with their married children and more influence in the lives of their grandchildren."(Helping and Healing our Families, p.330) I think when we show acceptance we find greater happiness in those in-law relationships. We keep our children close by acknowledging that they can make good choices and then supporting them as they choose what to do with their lives.

Another thing I found interesting was how parent-in-laws should work on building relationships with their children's spouses. Harper and Olsen said, "It is important for parents-in-law to find ways to personally build relationships with their children-in-law as individuals. Often interactions are with the newly married couple or the larger family group rather than with the individual."(Helping and Healing our Families, p.331) Coming from a large family I understand this situation of usually being in a large family group instead of individually. I think my Dad did a really good job of this for the short time he was alive after my husband and I married. He would stay with us on his way passing through for work and got to know my husband in a setting free from other family members. Many times he took my husband with him for hours to go help him with his work. They had a good relationship because they were able to talk. My Dad got to know just him without the opinions of my brothers, sisters, my sibling's spouses, or my mom. My Dad loved my husband and cherished the relationship they had.

Harper and Olsen said, "The burden of acceptance rests with parents-in-law in these situations. Children-in-law want nothing more than to be accepted and respected."(Helping and Healing our Families, p.331) I have learned that as a parent I need to be the one reaching out. I need to teach my children the importance of making good choices, then I need to trust those choices that they make. Since they are different from me they will pick someone different than maybe I would have picked for them. As I take the time to listen and be understanding I can show greater love to my child and their future spouse. I think this is one of the ways I will be able to be involved in my children and grandchildren's lives.

Now I don't have any children close to marriage age yet, but preparing for those moments is something I want to do. I need to learn to be more accepting of others and their differences. I don't need to be scared of those things because they will add perspective to my family. If you already have children-in-law look at the quality of those relationships. Maybe they are already great with just the right amount of communication and mutual acceptance, respect and love. Way to go!

If they aren't, there are a few things one can do to improve those relationships. You can find ways to be with your child and child-in-law away from the rest of the family. Harper and Olsen suggest that if the relationship is strained that forgiveness is probably necessary. They said, "Forgiveness means you let go of consuming feelings of animosity, bitterness, and hatred. Improved relationships will require time, effort, patience, and a willingness to communicate about issues and past offenses with love and concern ... Trusting in Christ and His timetable will help each prepare to do all they can do to mend troubled relationships." I know that this statement is true. I have seen it in my life and the lives of others. Forgiveness and the Savior can change our hearts and mend our relationships! 

Our families are important and so are our extended families. If we can work on being more accepting and showing greater love to those in our families we could do a lot of good for the world. This week think about your in-law relationships whether you are the child-in-law, the parent-in-law, or the future-in-law and do what you can do now to prepare your heart to show an increase of love, respect, and acceptance. I think this is one of those things that matters most!

The Power of Family Councils

I don't know if you like Sundays, but over the last 5 months I have come to love Sunday more than any other day. I have always liked it but we added something into our Sunday routine that has made a big impact on our family. We decided to begin officially holding Family Councils. We use to just talk and see how things were going when a difficult situation would arise, but felt that we needed to change it up a little bit. On a typical Sunday after we get home from church we gather our children together to discuss our upcoming week. We talk about what we learned. We ask them if they have any questions. We may talk about something that is going well. Usually my husband or I talk about a challenge we are having as a family and we discuss what we can do to improve in that area.

On the first Sunday of the month though we do something extra special. Our children probably love this Sunday the most, as do my husband and I! As a couple we do interviews with each of our kids. We pull them aside and talk to them about what their goals are Socially, Spiritually, Physically and Intellectually. It is really neat to see them talk about what they are learning or what we can do to help them. Sometimes they tell us they want to change their goal because it's not working out. So, we discuss and help them so they can be successful in accomplishing their goals. We begin this time together with having them say a prayer and we end it by my husband or I praying for them. We express lots of love and care for our children.

It has been a neat experience to take the time to talk to each of our children with just one of them and us. It has helped me feel greater love and appreciation for their unique gifts and abilities. Something I felt to do after becoming a certified mentor a year ago, was to take notes from each of those interviews. Those notes have been so valuable in helping us remember the important things they are telling us, and to help us remember to follow up with our children. I can go back to any interview and see the progress my children are making. I can see where they are struggling and be reminded of what I need to pray for concerning them. I'm also able to note funny things they say. Like this month my son was telling me what he wanted for Christmas and there was a specific treat he wanted. He said he hadn't had it in so long, probably like 244 years. He's 5, so it was really funny. My husband and I have our own folder as well for when we have our counseling time together. By keeping notes we can strengthen our marriage and family. It reminds me of a quote by James E. Faust. He said, "Revelation recorded is revelation received." I feel like what we are talking about in these times together is revelation for me in how to best help my family. 

As my husband and I have implemented these councils into our family we have tried what Richard B. Miller, a professor in the School of Family Life at BYU, talked about when he talked about power relationships in families. He said, "Parents work together in their leadership in the family ... It is vital that parents support each other in the presence of their children." We have found that as we work together and are united in our efforts that we have greater love in our marriage and family. Miller goes on to say, "happy relationships are most likely to occur in marriages where the couple shares power and has a true partnership." This is exactly what we have found. We have been able to share power in our relationship and we have an equal relationship where we can support each other in raising a righteous and happy family.

If you are looking for ways to strengthen your family, look towards starting a family council in your home. If you live with roommates, than find a way to sit down and talk to them in a spirit of love as you discuss the challenges that may be happening for each of you. If it's just you and your spouse coming together I think it allows your hearts to soften and deepen the love you have for each other. Taking the time for our marriages, our families and our relationships helps us have greater peace and love in those relationships that matter most. Make the time and you'll be glad you did. If you don't have a great experience the first time or the second time, keep at it. It will happen! Rome wasn't built in a day and neither are great family relationship built in one family council!