Parenting is like Christmas Lights

A couple weeks go I began another semester of college and I have whole heartedly decided in the weeks since how much easier it would have been to finish my degree earlier. Life moved forward though and I needed to be willing to go. Since that time there have been many things I have learned about parenting. I'm not a perfect parent but really who is? It was in the last couple weeks that I learned something about parenting that I wish I would have known when I had my first child.

The thought was connected to this parenting pyramid done by "The Arbinger Company". The pyramid looks like the food pyramid but with parenting practices. At the top and in the smallest space is "Correction", then "Teaching", followed by "Parent/Child Relationship", next "Husband/Wife Relationship" and at the base is "Personal Way of Being". It has fascinated me and occupied a good portion of my brain since reading this. I'll see my children act out and I'll try and understand why or what's happening for them. When they don't respond to some type of correction I'm giving them I wonder to myself if have I really taught this to my children. It has been in those moments when I'm a little frustrated that I have a thought come to mind to ask if they understand what I'm telling them to do or not to do. It's so interesting because that thought almost immediately dispels the frustration I was once feeling. A common response from my kids was no. They didn't understand. So, I teach them again. If that doesn't work I move to my relationship with the child.

With each area that doesn't seem to be getting across to them I work my way toward the bottom of the pyramid from where we are experiencing a short in this system that doesn't seem to be working. It kind of makes me think about how putting up Christmas lights is similar to parenting. When we go to put up Christmas lights we have this ideal in our minds of how nice the lights are going to look like, and where we will put each strand of lights. This is similar to the way we view what it will be like to have kids and how we hope they will turn out.

Then we start going through the lights and realize over the last year that some of the strands have completely stopped working or are only marginally working. Kind of like some parenting practices. So, we sit down with each strand seeing if there is a way we can get them to work. We keep doing what we have been doing as parents even if it's only kind of working.

On one strand we try every single bulb to make sure it's all working, as we put an extra bulb in and out of every socket. It still doesn't work. Those are parenting practices that you can let go. You've tried it every way you can think of and it still doesn't work. Toss the strand and toss that strategy. No use keeping it around to take up physical or mental space.

Then you have another strand that is only partially working. You think you can justify keeping it around because half of it works, just not the whole thing. An example of this could be, "Well, half of the bedtime routine seems to be working where we read them a story. They love that part, but they really fight us about the time." You can either just throw out the strand and this technique for something that may work better. Or you could keep trying that extra bulb into each of the sockets that aren't working. As you have probably experienced sometimes all the effort pays off. The bulb finally makes the rest of the strand work. Patience and persistence in finding the part of the equation that will work for you and your family makes everyone happy. Other times even after all your effort it still didn't work. It's okay to throw it out and try for something else. I usually work through the lights with my kids and it's either full cooperation or some cooperation with a few episodes of complaining.

Once you have the strands working you have your spouse help you or whoever it is that is helping you hang the lights. This is quite an ordeal at my house because my husband is afraid of heights. So, sometimes it is him hanging the lights and other times it's me. We discuss and go over what we just did. Sometimes we take them back off because we don't like how they looked. No matter how you do them there is usually a discussion in the process. Just as with parenting there is discussion or there should be and it takes working together to make your ideas come together.

Once they are up we think I want to see how great all this work I've been doing looks. We flip the switch and it either works or it doesn't. I've had both experiences. We are the power source to the lights just as the switch or the plug is for the lights. If there is no plug and power to the lights, it doesn't matter how wonderful the light strands look across your roof and throughout your yard. They won't work. If we aren't aware of the good in ourselves and see that we as parents are capable and know our children, our families won't have power. When there is power and the lights light up we have a similar experience like is show in the photo below from the movie, "National Lampoons Christmas Vacation". As parents when some parenting practice we have done works it reminds me of the expression on his face. He is blown away! As a parent we either power our family to be successful and happy or to not be by how we feel about ourselves, just like the plug supplies the power.



I realized that I had many shortcomings in how I viewed myself that was affecting my parenting style. I was keeping strands that didn't work, and working my tale off to get a half broken strand to work. What ultimately was happening though was I was forgetting to plug in the cord and turn on the power switch. This doesn't mean as a parent we need to be selfish but it does mean that we need to take care of ourselves in the process. If you feel like you are worthless that attitude may come out in your parenting. Our children are smart and will pick up on those beliefs. If you know you are a good person that will roll into each part of the parenting pyramid.

So, the next time you find yourself struggling with a child not responding to your correction, or blowing off what you are teaching them, take a closer look. Work your way down the pyramid to find the answer. I can take all the lights off my house when they don't light up or I can look at the source. Parenting is hard but each one of us are capable of making changes that allow us to let go of what doesn't work and to incorporate into our families what will work for us! We can do this!

Accepting the In-law

Over the last couple months I have been taking two different classes on family and marriage. There have been many similarities in these classes and things I have read that have made a big difference in my family. One of those things was a chapter we read from the book "Helping and Healing our Families". I was really excited to read this as I had used this book in a different class taught by Julie Haupt ,who is the managing editor of the book. I have pulled this book out often over the last 8 years and looked through it's teachings to help me. I would recommend getting a copy of this book if you have a family, are part of a family, or want your own family. Seriously everyone should read it.

As I was reading about the importance of extended family I kept thinking about the kind of in-law I wanted to be someday and future grandparent. I want to be involved in my children's lives, but not to the point of being over-bearing. I want to be able to visit my kids and their spouses. I want to have a close family but have wondered how to do this with a large family. My husband and I both come from big families and we have seen how difficult it is for our parents to be involved in our lives. It seems to be much easier to be involved in your children's lives when they live near you. So, what do we do to keep our children close, yet let them live their own lives? How do you show love and acceptance even when the relationships aren't good? Is there hope for troubled in-law relationships?

Something that stood out to me in answering these questions was the importance of accepting your children's choices and spouses. We need to be happy with whoever our children are going to marry and realize they are not going to be just like us. They will be different so we need to reestablish our expectations. James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen said, "A more realistic expectation is that children-in-law will bring new perspectives into the family, and the family can learn from these differences and be complemented by them ... Parents who can work toward inclusion of a new son- or daughter-in-law and who show increased love and support have the best relationship with their married children and more influence in the lives of their grandchildren."(Helping and Healing our Families, p.330) I think when we show acceptance we find greater happiness in those in-law relationships. We keep our children close by acknowledging that they can make good choices and then supporting them as they choose what to do with their lives.

Another thing I found interesting was how parent-in-laws should work on building relationships with their children's spouses. Harper and Olsen said, "It is important for parents-in-law to find ways to personally build relationships with their children-in-law as individuals. Often interactions are with the newly married couple or the larger family group rather than with the individual."(Helping and Healing our Families, p.331) Coming from a large family I understand this situation of usually being in a large family group instead of individually. I think my Dad did a really good job of this for the short time he was alive after my husband and I married. He would stay with us on his way passing through for work and got to know my husband in a setting free from other family members. Many times he took my husband with him for hours to go help him with his work. They had a good relationship because they were able to talk. My Dad got to know just him without the opinions of my brothers, sisters, my sibling's spouses, or my mom. My Dad loved my husband and cherished the relationship they had.

Harper and Olsen said, "The burden of acceptance rests with parents-in-law in these situations. Children-in-law want nothing more than to be accepted and respected."(Helping and Healing our Families, p.331) I have learned that as a parent I need to be the one reaching out. I need to teach my children the importance of making good choices, then I need to trust those choices that they make. Since they are different from me they will pick someone different than maybe I would have picked for them. As I take the time to listen and be understanding I can show greater love to my child and their future spouse. I think this is one of the ways I will be able to be involved in my children and grandchildren's lives.

Now I don't have any children close to marriage age yet, but preparing for those moments is something I want to do. I need to learn to be more accepting of others and their differences. I don't need to be scared of those things because they will add perspective to my family. If you already have children-in-law look at the quality of those relationships. Maybe they are already great with just the right amount of communication and mutual acceptance, respect and love. Way to go!

If they aren't, there are a few things one can do to improve those relationships. You can find ways to be with your child and child-in-law away from the rest of the family. Harper and Olsen suggest that if the relationship is strained that forgiveness is probably necessary. They said, "Forgiveness means you let go of consuming feelings of animosity, bitterness, and hatred. Improved relationships will require time, effort, patience, and a willingness to communicate about issues and past offenses with love and concern ... Trusting in Christ and His timetable will help each prepare to do all they can do to mend troubled relationships." I know that this statement is true. I have seen it in my life and the lives of others. Forgiveness and the Savior can change our hearts and mend our relationships! 

Our families are important and so are our extended families. If we can work on being more accepting and showing greater love to those in our families we could do a lot of good for the world. This week think about your in-law relationships whether you are the child-in-law, the parent-in-law, or the future-in-law and do what you can do now to prepare your heart to show an increase of love, respect, and acceptance. I think this is one of those things that matters most!

The Power of Family Councils

I don't know if you like Sundays, but over the last 5 months I have come to love Sunday more than any other day. I have always liked it but we added something into our Sunday routine that has made a big impact on our family. We decided to begin officially holding Family Councils. We use to just talk and see how things were going when a difficult situation would arise, but felt that we needed to change it up a little bit. On a typical Sunday after we get home from church we gather our children together to discuss our upcoming week. We talk about what we learned. We ask them if they have any questions. We may talk about something that is going well. Usually my husband or I talk about a challenge we are having as a family and we discuss what we can do to improve in that area.

On the first Sunday of the month though we do something extra special. Our children probably love this Sunday the most, as do my husband and I! As a couple we do interviews with each of our kids. We pull them aside and talk to them about what their goals are Socially, Spiritually, Physically and Intellectually. It is really neat to see them talk about what they are learning or what we can do to help them. Sometimes they tell us they want to change their goal because it's not working out. So, we discuss and help them so they can be successful in accomplishing their goals. We begin this time together with having them say a prayer and we end it by my husband or I praying for them. We express lots of love and care for our children.

It has been a neat experience to take the time to talk to each of our children with just one of them and us. It has helped me feel greater love and appreciation for their unique gifts and abilities. Something I felt to do after becoming a certified mentor a year ago, was to take notes from each of those interviews. Those notes have been so valuable in helping us remember the important things they are telling us, and to help us remember to follow up with our children. I can go back to any interview and see the progress my children are making. I can see where they are struggling and be reminded of what I need to pray for concerning them. I'm also able to note funny things they say. Like this month my son was telling me what he wanted for Christmas and there was a specific treat he wanted. He said he hadn't had it in so long, probably like 244 years. He's 5, so it was really funny. My husband and I have our own folder as well for when we have our counseling time together. By keeping notes we can strengthen our marriage and family. It reminds me of a quote by James E. Faust. He said, "Revelation recorded is revelation received." I feel like what we are talking about in these times together is revelation for me in how to best help my family. 

As my husband and I have implemented these councils into our family we have tried what Richard B. Miller, a professor in the School of Family Life at BYU, talked about when he talked about power relationships in families. He said, "Parents work together in their leadership in the family ... It is vital that parents support each other in the presence of their children." We have found that as we work together and are united in our efforts that we have greater love in our marriage and family. Miller goes on to say, "happy relationships are most likely to occur in marriages where the couple shares power and has a true partnership." This is exactly what we have found. We have been able to share power in our relationship and we have an equal relationship where we can support each other in raising a righteous and happy family.

If you are looking for ways to strengthen your family, look towards starting a family council in your home. If you live with roommates, than find a way to sit down and talk to them in a spirit of love as you discuss the challenges that may be happening for each of you. If it's just you and your spouse coming together I think it allows your hearts to soften and deepen the love you have for each other. Taking the time for our marriages, our families and our relationships helps us have greater peace and love in those relationships that matter most. Make the time and you'll be glad you did. If you don't have a great experience the first time or the second time, keep at it. It will happen! Rome wasn't built in a day and neither are great family relationship built in one family council! 

Staying Emotionally Connected

I read an article this week that has really had me thinking about the emotional strength of my marriage. I think that in our day it's easy to be more emotionally distracted from our spouses with all the social media platforms, movie streaming services, and the distraction of focusing on ourselves. I have seen it with some friends and others who are just mere acquaintances. The distraction and lure of being emotionally fulfilled outside of our marriages seems to be something we can easily justify away. In the article, "Fidelity in Marriage", Kenneth W. Matheson shared a story that illustrated this point and it really struck me. This woman had become friends with a male coworker. They began casually conversing and pretty soon they started having lunch together. She'd spend her breaks with him and they conversed through email and texts. Her spouse wasn't good at conversation but her coworker was. She found herself talking to him more than her husband since her coworker was such a good listener. She justified the relationship away, saying they were just friends. She finally realized there was a problem after her sister asked some questions. She was experiencing emotional infidelity.   
I don't think we really think of emotionally infidelity as being a problem or even realize that it happens. It seems to be that often times it's the physical infidelity we hear about, but as I read this week I realized that it starts with emotional infidelity. Matheson said, "Emotional infidelity, doesn't usually happen suddenly; rather, it occurs gradually- often imperceptibly at first." Most people don't just go have a physical affair to start with. It starts slowly and innocently at first but gradually it becomes something much more than an innocent association.

I have noticed this in my own life in a somewhat similar way. I love to read, and good clean romance novels are some of my favorites. I especially love regency romance novels. Well, over the summer I read a lot of books. I would read while my kids were playing and while I was feeding my baby. I easily read over 100 books in a matter of a few months. I found that it was a good escape from the every day life. I started reading even when my husband would get home from work. I would eat dinner with my family and then go sit back down to read my book. I became emotionally distant from my spouse. He would try and tell me something about work and I would find myself still reading while he was talking. My books had become more important to me than connecting with my spouse. It wasn't that I didn't love him. I just felt a sense of romance in the novels that I wasn't experiencing in my own marriage. I was developing unrealistic expectations for ways I wanted my spouse to treat me and to feel towards me.

Since I have been in school the last couple months I haven't been able to read as much and it has been really hard. A few weeks ago as I was sitting in church I was thinking about what I needed to change in my life and I had the thought come that I needed to stop reading my romance novels. When I told my husband about this I was crying and so sad. I was devastated to lose this "relationship". It wasn't until I was reading this article this week that I realized that I wasn't being emotional present in my own marriage. It had started as a small book, and little by little it became an obsession of reading as much as I could. I would easily read a book a day and I was neglecting my relationship with my spouse. So, even though it was really hard to stop reading these books, I'm extremely glad I had the prompting to stop reading them. I'm even more grateful that I have come to understand at least one reason why I needed to stop, so I could have emotional fidelity with my spouse.

This may seem like a silly example of emotional infidelity but to me it has been a big thing. No, it wasn't with someone else in particular but it was putting me emotionally out of touch with my spouse. Matheson said, "Emotional infidelity, which occurs when emotions or thoughts are focused on someone other than a spouse, is an insidious threat that can weaken the trust between a couple and shatter peace of mind."(Fidelity in Marriage) I think emotional disconnect can happen in many ways as I noticed it happening in my marriage. H. Wallace Goddard said, "The Lord says in no uncertain terms: "Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else' ... when the Lord says all thy heart, it allows for no sharing nor dividing nor depriving .. The words none else eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse becomes preeminent ... and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse." I had allowed my books to take precedence over my relationship with my spouse. I wasn't cleaving to my spouse and none else. I was sitting next to my spouse while holding onto my book. That's not what the Lord had commanded me to do.

So, now I want you to think for just a minute about what may be taking precedence over your spouse. Is it your cell phone, Facebook, video games, work, church calling, children's sporting activities, hunting, working out, etc.? Is there something you are putting more emotional effort into than your marriage? If so, it's time to prioritize what matters most. Our marriages matter most and being emotionally present with our spouses. President Ezra Taft Benson put it very well when he said, "What does it mean to love someone with all your heart? It means to love with all your emotional feelings and with all your devotion." So that you can love with all your emotional feeing and devotion take the time to ask what you may need to change in your marriage and life. When I did, it opened my eyes and prepared me to hear what I needed to. It helped me to see that I needed to give up something I really enjoy for someone I love far more! I hope you can see ways to improve the emotional fidelity of your relationships and draw closer together through the Lord's help!

Pray for Charity

I've been looking over my last couple posts and something that has stood out is the importance of working on changing our hearts and having forgiveness in our marriages and towards others. I think those things happen by having charity. When I hear the word charity I think of love for others. As I was reading my scriptures recently I read that charity is God's love for us, and that He can help us feel this love for others. So, if we want charity we need to pray and ask to love others as God loves them.

I had an experience like this right after I started on my mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I was receiving training before heading to Florida where I was going to serve. I didn't get along great with my companion I was assigned to be with and we were having some difficulties. My teacher pulled me aside and asked me if I would pray to love this sister. I began praying for her every day that I would see her as God did and be able to feel His love for her. It was pretty neat to feel the difference it made in my heart. We were able to finish our time together on better terms and it strengthened me to feel God's love for someone else. So, even if you aren't married you have co-workers, roommates, family members, neighbors, and lots of other people you can strengthen your relationships with by praying to see them as God does. Maybe you have had an experience like this that has helped you see someone in a new light.

Another experience I had towards the end of my mission was as missionaries we were praying for all these people we were working with, specifically on how we could help them. We prayed for them morning and night. As we prayed for them, Heavenly Father would teach us what we needed to teach them and help them with because Heavenly Father loves all of his children. All the people we were praying for, and us missionaries had so many miracles happen in our lives. It was amazing! I think the important thing I learned here was the importance of being specific in our prayers. If I'm having a hard time with someone don't just pray that it will go away or that whatever needs to happen to fix it will work out. I need to pray specifically like we did for all these people. 

In the book "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage", H. Wallace Goddard gave an example about a woman who was trying to find love again for her spouse. She was miserable. She tried for a couple weeks with sincere effort to change and nothing did. He then shared, "She begged God to change her husband. God invited her to change herself. ... She began trying to see her husband as Jesus saw him, And she felt invited to look for the good in him." Her heart changed and she finally felt love for him again. Maybe your experience isn't as dire as this or maybe it is, the big thing is that we look to change ourselves. As we work on ourselves it's easier to find in one another the things that are good. If you have a hard time finding the good in one of your relationships, take a minute or two and write down something that's good about the other person. Maybe they have really good hygiene, or they work hard. Maybe they have a great smile and they use it often when telling people hello. Start small if that's all you can think of and grow your list from there on the good you find in the other person. I think you'll see a big improvement and you'll draw closer together by rebuilding that friendship that started the relationship in the first place. 

I came across this quote by Marvin J. Ashton in Goddard's book that I think ties into looking for the good in each other. He said, "The greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don't judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone's differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down."

As I read this quote I had the thought, that I could implement these teaching on charity into my prayers and pray for my husband, children and others more specifically. I could learn to be more accepting of their weaknesses and look for their good. I could pray to love them as God does and to see them as He does. Goddard said, "As we feel the love from Him and for Him, we naturally love like Him." As I have been doing this over the last couple days I have felt a difference in my marriage. The relationships with my kids has been better. The relationships with those I have struggled with has improved. It has been really neat and I have loved having this experience! I'm definitely going to continue to do this in my life and to teach my children to do this in their lives. 

As we each look at our own unique relationships I hope we can realize the importance of charity. Having love for your spouse or others allows you to see both sides when conflicts arise. It brings hope and belief when you are making big decisions. It helps us bear and endure all things when we are trying to manage challenges that happen. It enhances all our relationships and gives them added strength. Through charity we learn to be kind and think of others. We can see our spouses and others as God sees them because He loves us! I hope you can see those in your life through new eyes this week and evaluate how you can have greater charity in those relationships that matter most to you!

Turn to Him

I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness this week as I've been reading from John Gottman's book, "the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work". He was talking about the two types of conflicts we have in marriage which are the solvable problems or the perpetual problems, or in other words you can resolve them or you won't. When he talked about the perpetual problems he said that the "majority of marital conflicts fall into this category - 69 percent to be exact". I just kept thinking that seems really high. I wondered if it would really be that high if we allowed Jesus Christ to be part of our marriages. I know that He helps us to change individually, so why wouldn't He help our marriages too.

As I was reading I kept thinking about Jesus Christ and how He is the Master Healer. He suffered in a garden for us and died on a cross, so that He could help. He performed the Atonement, so our hearts could be changed and made whole as we repent. He can heal our hearts so that struggles we have had previously and presently are no longer problems. It doesn't matter whether the conflict we are having is in our marriage, with our parents, our family, a friend, co-worker, neighbor, stranger, or anyone else; because of Jesus Christ our hearts can change. HE will soften what was once hard and we will become clay in HIS hands, so that HE can mold us into becoming WHO we can Become! In the Bible in Jeremiah 18:6 the Lord says, "As the clay is in the potter's hand, so are ye in mine hand." When we are humble in our relationships, we can become clay in our Savior's hands. He will help heal our hearts and mend our conflicts. He will make us more than we could ever be without Him!






To receive His help, we need to be humble. I love the definition of the word humble. It means to bring down the pride of or to reduce someone to a lower state. A potter shows us how this work when working with clay. He takes a block of clay that is hard in his hands, but by working with it, it slowly becomes softer and workable. The potter is able to sculpt beautiful creations because it is able to soften in the master's hands. When our hearts are softened we can be made into something great. Our marriages and our other relationships can grow because we are softening our hearts. It takes diligent effort and the skill of someone who is a master to make a beautiful creation.




This reminds me of an experience I had a number of years ago. I went on a group date to a friend's house where we used his mother's potting wheel. We all attempted to sculpt bowls and cups, but they were nothing anyone would have wanted to buy. We weren't even sure if they would have held any water without leaking. They weren't beautiful creations, but we gave it our best. In contrast his mother's work was really amazing. They had beautiful vases, bowls, and cups in their home. She was more of a master. I think this illustrates how when we try to make something of ourselves, our marriages, and our relationships on our own, we may sometimes only produce something that was considered okay. We may even wonder at the work we have produced, but when we turn our lives/relationships "our clay" over to the Master, He makes beautiful creations. He makes us and our relationships better than we ever could have made them on our own!



H. Wallace Goddard said, "in our marriage, we give gladly and wholeheartedly. We give everything we have and are. And we ask God to increase our capacity so we can give yet more."(Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage) I know when we give our best, there is still more we can give. We can give our hearts in prayer to God. We can ask for His help to increase our ability to forgive our spouse, our family, and others. As we do this I think we become more spiritually mature. Goddard said, "When we become more spiritually mature, we are more likely to enjoy our partner as a total package." I would insert there that we would also enjoy our family and those around us more.

Like I have mentioned in previous posts being prideful is the opposite of humility. When we are prideful we become set in our ways, our hearts are hard just as the clay in the potter's hands. It takes a lot of work to soften. Pride in any relationship is a great stumbling block to having better relationships. So, when we experience conflict in our relationships we can choose to make those problems solvable by being humble and involving the Savior in the process. You may not like how your spouse, parent, or anyone else treats you but by taking those concerns to HIM who knows you and your heart, you can receive help. We in turn can learn how to consecrate ourselves to the Lord and to our relationships.

H. Wallace Goddard said, " Consecration in marriage is... about becoming qualified for the life we will presumably be living there(heaven). This requires a transformation of character. In serving and giving to those within our family stewardship as well as demonstrating patience and continually forgiving our spouses for all the ways they might not meet our expectations, we have the opportunity to emulate Christ, thus transforming ourselves."(Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage)

We need to forgive in our conflicts! If you are having a hard time forgiving, turn to Jesus Christ, who is the Master. Try an experiment in trusting Him. Goddard said, "He will answer every experiment with the same result: love, joy and peace are the fruits of trusting Him." Take a look at your relationships. Are there any where forgiveness could take place? Could the perpetual problems in your marriage or relationships be taken to the Savior? Turn to Him and He will mend your hearts!

To Counsel or Not

The other day I was reading the Book of Mormon, which is another testament of Jesus Christ. There were two verses in Alma 37:36-37 that really stood out to me.

36 Yea, and cry unto God for all thy support; yea, let all thy doings be unto the Lord, and whithersoever thou goest let it be in the Lord; yea, let all thy thoughts be directed unto the Lord; yea, let the affections of thy heart be placed upon the Lord forever.

37 Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for good; yea, when thou liest down at night lie down unto the Lord, that he may watch over you in your sleep; and when thou risest in the morning let thy heart be full of thanks unto God; and if ye do these things, ye shall be lifted up at the last day.

The point that stood out to me was the importance of counseling with the Lord and heeding the directions that He gives us. It reminded me of a chapter I read in John Gottman's book, which I have mentioned in previous posts. His book is called, "the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work". He talked about how accepting the influence of your spouse shows "love and esteem" for them. I think by listening to the counsel that the Lord gives us, shows Him our love and esteem for Him as well.

When we accept the influence of our spouse Gottmans says, "We make them a partner in decision making. We respect and honor each other and their opinions and feelings. We understand that for our marriages to thrive, we have to share the driver seat." There have been many times my husband and I have had this experience of learning how to be partners in our decisions. We have lived in many different states and cities, and each time we have needed to listen to each other as we have made decisions. I haven't felt pushed into one of these decision as we have had many in-depth discussions and talked about the pros and cons. When we have made a choice, we then counsel with the Lord. We have learned to accept each other's influence. One point to make here Gottman says is, "Accepting influence doesn't mean never expressing negative emotions toward your partner."  When we make each other's feelings and opinions an important part of our marriages, then we can be honest with each other even if some of our feelings are negative.

There have been times when I have been irritated with a certain decision we are trying to make because I'm sure that I'm right. I'm sure all of us have experienced this type of situation in our marriages or other relationships when we know we are right. Something that H. Wallace Goddard said is, "We must set aside our provincial view of the world (and of our spouses) and be open to our partner's perspective. We must invite truth, the heavenly perspective."(Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage) I would add in here that we also need to be open to our Heavenly Father's perspective as well. As I shared before it's important that we are counseling with Him too, so He can direct us. 

There are times when we don't listen or acknowledge our spouses thoughts and feelings. Moments like this can lead to pride. Pride is costly to our peace. President Ezra Taft Benson (a previous Prophet for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) said, "Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves ... Selfishness is one of the more common faces of pride. ...The antidote for pride is humility. ... God will have a humble people. Either we can choose to be humble or we can be compelled to be humble. ... Let us choose to be humble."(Beware of Pride) So, even though pride is very destructive in marriages, we can change. We can choose to be humble. We can counsel with our spouses and with the Lord.

I learned this lesson the hard way. My husband and I were making a decision about some further schooling. I didn't really feel like we should do it. My husband on the other hand thought we should. We discussed it at lengths many times. My Dad talked to us about it when we counseled with him and he didn't think it was the best option. We didn't know what else to do. I took it to Heavenly Father in my prayers and had an impression come to go somewhere else. I didn't want to do it. I was very against the counsel I had received and I was so against it, I never even told my husband. We didn't receive further direction, so we ended up making the decision to go on to this additional schooling. 

Half way through that schooling we were praying about where to go when we got done. I received the same answer I had previously. I once again didn't want to tell my husband. I didn't for a couple weeks until I realized that I wasn't heeding the counsel I was given. I finally told my husband. We ended up going there and doing what we would have done before the additional schooling and cost. Neither of us liked it what he was doing. We had spent a lot of money to go to school to do something he didn't like. I was devastated that my pride had gotten in the way of us following Heavenly Father's counsel. He had tried to help us learn without the high cost, but we didn't listen. I constantly look to this experience now every time my pride starts getting in the way when we are making decisions.

In our marriages, if we don't listen to our spouses and accept their influence there are high costs too. Gottman said specifically speaking about husbands, "When a man is not willing to share power with his partner there is an 81 percent chance that his marriage will self-destruct." This isn't saying that women shouldn't listen and accept their spouse's influence as well. It takes practice and being willing to talk to each other. It's okay if you aren't great at accepting the influence of your spouse right now because we can always get better. Goddard says, "When we humbly turn our minds, our lives, and our purposes over to God, He will refine us. We begin to see with new eyes. We feel with new warmth and goodness." 

Take the time to look at your marriage or relationship. Are you listening to each other's opinions and feelings? When you disagree with each other are you still respectful? Do you feel you have influence in your relationship? Do you easily get irritated with each other? Notice I framed these questions to look at yourself, not anyone else.

When we are humble and not prideful we can listen with respect to each other and receive counsel from God! This is a happy path!